The world is a complex, scary place. What can you do to survive? I'll tell you - hands off that pecker. Thanks to BYOB for showing me the light.
"been noticing a whole lot of stuff since I stopped touching my genitals"
theres an arrow in the FedEx logo
my guitar instructor couldn't believe my improvement recently.
stopped touching my genitals and I noticed i've actually been living in a wolf den and have been raised by wolves since birth
me (pecker in palm): I'm going to drive my car on the parkway until I reach my house, where I will park it in the driveway
me (three months since pud-touch): women think my medal is sexy, the medal Merriam Webster gave me for fixing the English language
a bunch of my peers wearing backwards baseball caps and t-shirts with emojis and the word "swag" printed on them: come jack off with us
me: no thanks I am going to write some poetry instead
i use to be an ineffectual craigslister always requesting shady j/o seshs, now that I've put a stop to that i've become a powerful craigslist scammer
now that ive stopped touching my genitals, i've realized that there are four other senses, so my next goal is to stop smelling, tasting, seeing, and hearing them
I've touched things other than my genitals for the first time today.
Like a blind person being granted sight, the experience was at first shocking. I cut my hands on knives as I tried to grab them like I did my genitals. I touched my face for the first time, groping at open holes and feeling the strange texture of the hair on my head, so unlike my previous experience.
free Trapt CD
yesterday i reread 'flowers for algernon', this time with two hands. and you know what i noticed? not really sexy, not at all. and that's not all i noticed. and then i thought, "you can, too." welcome to my new self-help book, 'boners for algernon'
i'm tryign to imagine how perceptive i'lll be once i stop looking at my genitals but the only thing i can currently imagine is my genitals.
now hear me out
what if we all just went with a buddy system and touched each other's genitals?
The world is too bright, loud, and scary. Some days I just feel like retreating to the comfort of touching my genitals and shut the whole world out
since i stopped constantly touching my junk I have come to the somewhat shocknig realization that I have two arms and hands to interact with the world
like I can hold something in one hand and manipulate it with the other
freakin bananas man, I have finally cracked the mystery
Me on stage about to perform at a comedy club: "Oh don't worry about me being not funny, you see, I've stopped touching my genitals, allowing me to notice a whole lot more stuff than a normal genital toucher."
*audience laughs uncomfortably*
my distant wife: why won't you make love to me anymore
me: the clouds in Super Mario Bros. are the same as the bushes
After years of being misunderstood, I had hoped we finally had "our" story. I was wrong.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.