Back in May, Comedy Goldmine featured a "Future Timeline" filled with funny happenings, though we have years of waiting before most of those prophecies come to fruition. In fact, the only events scheduled for 2014-16 were "some guy enters therapy," "another guy might clean out his garage," and "the iPhone 7 is invented." But recently the SA Goons made some bold predictions for 2015, so pick up a 50%-off calendar and start preparing for political upheaval and unprecedented products!
a starwar betamax
JAN 1: new twitter goes live
Feb 5th: an amazon delivery drone flips you off??? wth!
MAR 13th: Obama back to his old tricks
APRL 1: april fools day... nothing happens
APRIL2: terrorist strike
MAY 30: new twitter movie rights bought by disney
JUNE 24: new study shows raisins are not actually fat-free
JULY 4th: the troops come home!
AUGUST 5th: 
SEPT 11: dominoes introduces new type of crust..... "it's got ranch!" (R)
TO CLARIFY:
it will be crust that has the ranch on the inside of it... liquid. the dough will have a tube of ranch rolled inside of it, frozen of course, so that when 'za is cooked.... the ranch heats up.
and of course crust part under the toppings area is catacombed with a labrynth of ranch passageways... so when the ranch melts... it flow up under there. irrigating your za with ranch
OCT 30: bill gates gives more money to malaria research and education
NOV 2nd: New twitter has its thousandth twet!
DEC 25th: we forget the raisin
a starwar betamax
JAN 5th:
a starwar betamax
JAN 10th: new cookie monster introduced: Book Monster. he knocks sacred books out of the hands of religeous people and eats them while they cry, at first.... but then learn that their god is dead and the power of athiesm
a starwar betamax
JAN 20th:
a starwar betamax
FEB 2nd:
Nameless_Steve
February 18th: Republican-controlled Senate passes Keystone XL pipeline
February 19th: President Obama vetoes the Keystone XL pipeline
February 20th: Republican-controlled Congress passes a new pipeline bill, one whose route originates in Canada and ends "up the President's butthole"
February 21st: President Obama vetoes new pipeline.
Doctor J Off
March 3rd-9th: indecision clouds your movements. you wonder whether to reconnect with an old flame, or to try and retain a modicum of dignity in your situation. you will elect the latter, but dignity will elude you regardless
This Week on Something Awful...
Pardon Our Dust
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Let's improve landmarks
Landmarks and statues around the world: old, boring and could use an update.
Make Horror Wholesome
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Every Conceivable Way EA Could Screw Up Star Wars: Squadrons
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
About This Column
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.
Previous Articles
- Dr. Who: Future Episodes Revealed!
- The Adventures of Spidatman!
- List of Things in this Pic that are Me
- Carol Channing's Disembodied Head!
- Post-Apocalypse Survival Tips!
