BY JEFF K.

OK, now last article I wrote about the best card to see your games, now I am writing about the best card to HERE you games. There is nothing like hearing your enemys fall into the lava in QUake2 and hear them screem and you stand over them and bind a key to "BURN YOU LPB FAGOT CHEATER!!!!" and you type it over and over and then you get kicked of the server but you come back ojnto the server as a kewl different name that's kewl like "l337 d00d"! HA people probably dont lknow what that means! The cards I bought (I warezed them from an l337 haX0r ) were the Creative Labs Sound Balaster Live! and the Diamond Monster Sound MX300. If you would remember the AWFUL card that Diamond made last time and I reveiwed, the VOODOO2 (DO NOT BUY DO NOT BUY), you'll see in this article that I try not to hold that against them. Just because they made one piece of shit doesnt mean that this will be bad to, we will see!!!

Oh, BTW my clan 40 OUNSCE is still rooking, we have moved up 2 PLACES on the national Quake2 ladder up to #8694, we have beat the clans "ROBOTS OF DESTRUCTION" (fagot cheaters) and "DEAD DEATH KILLAHZ" (lpb fukers)!!! I have let a new member in, his name is "sYk0 b17cH" and look for him cause he will kill you HE IS GOOD but not as good AS ME! He once shot a guy with a railgun and it hit the guy in the ASS!!! IT WAS FUNNY I HAVE THE MOVIE IF YOU WANT TO SEE IT.

OK, back to the card. The monstersound card box has a pic of a hot chick screaming on the front of it, she has her mouth open like she wants something in it, HA HAHHA!!! My girlfriend is hot like her too, we have sex every day and my parents dont' find out cuzz we do it in the basement not in my bedroom! it's not that bad down there because I move the boxes and all the oil soaked rags and you get HIGH on the fumes down there cause they just sprayed for millipedes and my girlfriend looks EVEN HOTTER then but she normallyy is really hot I posted a picture of her below this look at her!. All my friends at school are jealous of me Y=yOU CAN ASK THEM! So I put in the card into my computer (my brother was in town and he helped me unscrew the computer case becsause my dad didnt want me opening it) and we put the card in. I wanted to compare the sound of the monstersound with my 8 bit sound balaster card I had in there, so I put one card above the other. Next I shut the case and put headphones on both sound jacks on both cards so I could hear them both OK? I turned on my coimputer and it WON'T FUCKING BOOT! WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT CARD IT FUCKED UP MY FUCKING COMPUTER! But then I found out that the power cord was out I plugged it in. OK, this computer boots now but NO SOUND! I hate DIAMOND so much. My brother opens up a "Contrrol Panel" on the Windows97 (I dont know what that is, hje is more of a haX0r than me) and there is yellow explanation marks by the sound cards saying they have a IRQ conflict or something! WHAT THE FUCK!?!? So I call up Diamond and wait on fucking hold for fucking 10 yEARS and then I never get to talk to a tech representative and so I go to diamond's website and write an email to them demanding the come over here right now and FIX IT and I sent the mesage 50 times. I am going to crash there server! I have said this once, and I WILL say this again:

DIAMOND SUCCKS THEYRE MOMS DICKS!!!

OK, so the other card is a Creative Labs Sound Balaster Live! (I don't like typing that long name in, I will call it the CLSBLSSL!) OK, the CLSBSL was in a nice box with a guy and some waves on it and a trumpet or some fucking instrucment, ok. Since I didnt' want to have two sound balaster cards in my computer, I tooked out the SB8 card and put the CLSBLSS in that slot. I turned on trhe computer (it powers up) and it detects the card!!! I put in the CDRAM drivers (I remembered from last time about the drivers on the disk) and everything goes OK! I install the software and that asks me to reboot my computer and OK I do! So I checked out the neat software and there's this program called "Talking Parrot" or something and whateever I type in the parrot talks that! It's so funny! I typed in "I AM A BIG FAGOT AND I CAMP AND I AM A LPB FAGOT FUKER" and the bird said it! HAHAHAHAHAAaaa that's funny. then I typed in "I WORK FOR DIAMOND MONSTER SOUND AND I LIKE TO FUCK GOATS IN THEIR BUTTWHOLE" and it said that too!!!!! TOO FUNNY! But now for the test... QUAKE 2@! I run quaek2 and it sounds EXACTLY THE SAME!!! GODDAMMIT! So I hacked the filez on q2 like I did last time and I made a prog that cracks the code and runs quake2 at 16 bit sound!!! It sounds aLOT better now it is so cool I have played qwuake2 13hours straight today. I will post my final score on a map here, I only died once! OK now for some benchmarks

As you can see by this benchmakk, the CLMSSL card was MUCH better and louder than the stupid fagot Die-Mond (HA HA) Monstersound. And the CLSMMTLMS card was even LOUDER when I turned up the volume. THis made is the superior card by far. It even beat my 8 bit card I had in there because QUAKE@ sound a lot better with it FORREAL!

OK, this next benchmark is what each card tasted like. I had my dog lick them too, but my dog can't talk about what they tasted like because he cant talk you stupid fagot! GOD YOU ARE SO DUMB. But I tasted the cards and this is what they tasted like:

So that is why the CLSLSBL!! card is the best. Is has sound that is MUCH bettter than the stupid monstertrancesound (NO SOUND FAGOT) and better sound that my 8-bit sound balaster card. You should warez one when you can. OH I just played a game of QUAKE2 and I didnt' get into the negatives this time, I killed 4 people and only fell into the lava 3 times!!! I think that it was becuase I could hear the lava this time and not fall into it, the sound card is better and makes me play better too! And if you dont belive me you are probably some stupid shithead who plays unreal and camps and you cant change weapons like me on quake2. Oh yeah, what is that red lasre beam people shoot on quake2 that makes em fly? IS THAT a gun or something? I think they;re cheating!!! THe y probably own the server or something. FAGOT CHEATERS DONT HAVE ANY TALENT> if you can tell me how to shoot the red beam, I will send you some warez filezz. EMALE ME nOW AND SEND IT! Oh, and here is the pic of me ALMOST winning at quake2, I WOULDVE won but all the lpbs beat me and they cheated, you can tell, but I only lost by 2!!!!!!!

-JEFF K. (aka |<R3/\/\! 311\</4)

HERE IS MY SITE! CLICK HERE FAGOT!!!