Occasionally some of my older articles generate outraged emails from readers many years after they were originally published. Recently a few readers have been inflamed by an article I wrote way back in 2006 about a girl with extreme birth defects. These irate idiots have kept mostly to email, but occasionally they bleed over to the world of AIM. Beset by complainers, I did the only thing possible. I began replying to all of their pestering with the text messages of disgraced Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick.
My Kwame Kilpatrick text messages routine usually works to annoy people away in a hurry, but DeanR hung in there for way too long.
DeanR: Can't believe you wrote article about her
DeanR: You're a fucking piece of shit
Kwame Kilpatrick: MTG ME SOMEWHERE! YOU NAME I'LL BE THERE IN 1HR.
DeanR: You want to meet? I'll meet. Beat your nerd ass.
DeanR: I'm 6'5 250 pounds buddy
DeanR: I will fuck you up
Kwame Kilpatrick: BE THERE IN 5MINS. CRACK THE DOOR
DeanR: Be where in five minutes??
Kwame Kilpatrick: I WOULD BE MAD AS HELL! STAY WITH LOU. I CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER DUDE.
DeanR: You can't take me? Then why you wanna meet up?
DeanR: Man fuck you
Kwame Kilpatrick: Can't GET YOU OUT OF MY SYSTEM! Don't WANT TO EITHER. HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.
DeanR: What the hell? Dude, you need to fuck off.
DeanR: You are a bad human being.
Kwame Kilpatrick: I'm IN MADISON, WI T US CONF OF MAYORS
DeanR: Madison where? Madison, Wisconsin?
DeanR: Bitch I am in Santa Monica you can fly your ass out here if you want to get beat to pieces.
I'm not sure what "thaiya" is, but according to Google Image Search this woman might be Thaiya and she also might be a man.Kwame Kilpatrick: REAL INTO YOU TODAY. LIKE EVERYDAY. ALL I THINK ABOUT IS HOLDING YOU. IT WAS HARD FOR ME TO MISS YOU TODAY BECAUSE I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU ALL DAMN DAY. IT WAS LIKE YOU WRE THERE!
DeanR: Fuck off
Kwame Kilpatrick: YES. AT THAT TIME I HAD ALREADY CONVINCED MYSELF THAT I WOULD NEVER HAVE YOU. I BELIEVED WITH ALL MY HEART THAT YOU WERE LOU'S WOMAN, AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO!
DeanR: You are one sick fuck
DeanR: No wonder
Kwame Kilpatrick: HELL YEAH! VACATION IS NOT UNTIL AUG 11.
DeanR: Stop sending me that shit, I don't care about your vacation bitch
Kwame Kilpatrick: SHIIIIT. NIGGA SOME THAIYA! 100% GOOD TO THE LAST DROP THAIYA. CAN I, PRETTY PLEASE?
Dean disconnected at that point and I assumed my Kwame spam had driven him away.
After years of being misunderstood, I had hoped we finally had "our" story. I was wrong.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
Our Something Awful ICQ pranks target the worst and most idiotic folks on the Internet. Believe it or not, these ICQ pranks are all - unfortunately - real.