Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time

Maximum Ruler

Hydrogen: King Artard's elite troops are known for their superior choreography and overwhelming suicidal tendencies.

Trillaphon: Somehow his enemies are even more suicidal. How the hell can anyone manage to die to a boulder that's moving at the speed of a geriatric Japanese tourist?

Hydrogen: It's great how this movie delivers so many amazing new hypothetical barbarian match-ups that haven't been covered in other movies, like "barbarian vs. plate glass window", "barbarian vs. entire LAPD precinct" and "barbarian vs. snooty butler". (Hint: the barbarian always wins.)

Trillaphon: How about "guy on horse vs. lack of ability to ride a horse" or "entire army vs. breakdancing boulders"?

Trillaphon: Or the much more disturbing "time-traveling wizard vs. men's fashion sales associate":

Hydrogen: Jesus fuck that is the most punchable human being in the history of the world.

Trillaphon: I'm pretty sure that performance somehow qualifies as a hate crime.

Hydrogen: On the plus side, Arklon trashing the place and threatening to disembowel him is very cathartic. Also using his magic laser pistol as a wind machine to conjure up some female nudity as an apology for the gross Tommy Wiseau impersonator the audience just had to endure.

Hydrogen: Really Arklon seems a little full of himself, but what can you expect from a guy with a shitty plastic knockoff Phantom of the Opera mask who likes to run around literally calling himself "Maximum Ruler".

Trillaphon: Dammit, I knew my business cards were missing something. If people knew I was a Maximum Ruler I could quit this shitty gig and retire to an island made entirely of money and naked women where no one ever watches or talks about shitty movies.

Hydrogen: Or, more likely, you'd be committed to a nuthouse somewhere like Ohio.

Trillaphon: Eh, either way.