I am sick and tired of this goddamn PC culture that's gonna tell our men in the armed forces they gotta serve alongside these newfangled gender monsters. Used to be when a man put on a dress you either laughed him out of the dance hall or you put him in a loony bin.
Nowadays, because of millennials, we're supposed to salute and say thank you to a man growing tits. You've seen 'em. Yeah, sure they are full on titties. They have shots that can juice 'em up and fill out a blouse with completely soft and natural breasts. They're gorgeous.
And that's supposed to make us happy? Those titties cost a fortune!
Look, my grandpa didn't die screaming in a rice paddy in Phong Loc, covered in his own napalm, so that some twisted sister with glorious danglers could jam a wheel chock on a C-130. That man used to pray to god three times a day, morning, noon, and night, that he would get to incinerate gooks. He used to call them Ho Chi Minh candles and talk about their heads popping off on fire and shooting into the air. "Best fireworks this side of Fourth of July" he used to say, lookin' off in the distance like he could still see them going up.
They don't make 'em like grandpa anymore. Built his own canoe. Never once used a smartphone. He used to machine gun kids from a helicopter. He carried around a bag of teeth he took out of dead Vietcong.
He was a hero to me. A man's man. The sort of guy who cracked open beers before 9 AM, beat his dog with a hose, and caught every STD possible for a human to catch while on duty. That man was a patriot. He took a sniper bullet to the fuel tank of his flamethrower and walked around melting in terrible agony. They said when they found him they had to identify him by the bag of teeth. He gave his last full measure to this country.
And I don't think, as he was burning up, grandpa was saying to himself, "I sure hope that I die fighting for my country in a French colony in Southeast Asia so a genderbender can shoot the world's greatest terrorist in the face."
No, as he was melting down, he was thinking about red-blooded American male patriots roasting Vietnamese alive in their huts for the free market. Men, women, and children who might've otherwise turned commie got to burn with dignity. He thought of nothing else, because he was hero.
When was the last time you even saw a flamethrower? Do you think they let our brave men incinerate Muslims? Yeah, right, they probably hardly even drop napalm on mosques.
Now these idiots are going to try to tell us that in this day and age we gotta stop flamethrowering the gooks and instead have a trans air traffic controller. If they can't control their dang gender, how can they direct a jet to the taxiway? It don't add up.
That's why I'm thanking MY president for honoring my grandpa's sacrifice. Less "Chelsea" Manning surgeries and more $$$ for flamethrowers for our troops on the front lines.
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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