The Many Apologies to Rock Man

Rock Man,
What I said earlier was stupid and I didn't mean it. I am not embarrassed to be your father. I hope you understand how hard it can be for a man when his son looks nothing like him. I don't know why you are made of rock, but I am sure it isn't your fault. This isn't the time or place to be critical of your mother, but I think we both know of her love of drinks and mountain climbing. It is probably her fault. You are and always will be a Rock Man and my Rock Son. Here's three free buy one get one free coupons for blizzards at Dairy Queen. I love you.

Dear Rock Man,
The Nintendo Power team would like to apologize for the 1996 article/strategy guide regarding the second level of Mario 64. In giving tips on how to defeat the boss, we mentioned that "Blockhead's made of rock, so you know he isn't smart." While the comment was meant in good humor, we now realize the anguish and mental damage it caused. Thank you for notifying us, and we hope you accept three free copies of Diddy Kong Racing as our apology.

Dear Rock Man,
After your recent plea, we called an emergency meeting to discuss the numerous points you bought up. It has been decided that you are correct, and we are now removing "Rock" off our list of lower minorities. While we do not approve of your rock-like body and lifestyle, we agree that it is little threat to white supremacy in America. The local KKK Assembly hopes that you accept these three complimentary tickets to the rodeo in regard to the cross that was burnt in your front yard. Thank you and remember to keep the blacks out of the neighborhood.

Mr. R. Man,
It has come to my attention that last week my ground keeping crews accidentally installed you into the stone walkway connecting my guesthouse to my backdoor. In planning the layout, I informed my designer that I wanted the path to be made of the rarest stone available. I do not know how he obtained you nor do I fully understand why you complied, but I want you to know that I in no way support the exploitation of deformed people. I paid good money for you, but you are now free to leave my yard.

Rock Man,
Midwest Rodeo wants to thank you and your father for attending the rodeo last night. We believe the show was one of our best, and we hope you agree. Sorry for the mishap with the bleachers. The thin aluminum was obviously not strong enough to support your stone body. Our medical crew was quick to your rescue, and though you seemed out of it for a few minutes, you recovered very quickly. After you left, your father remained and ended up winning a free t-shirt in a raffle. If you decided to visit the hospital after leaving our facility, please understand that we are not responsible for any bills. To make it up for you, here are three tickets for the monster truck rally. Please notice that they are handicap tickets, so you can stand on the ground.