You're looking for a ship that's a little on the chunky side. A chassis with more battle scars than functional engines. Mismatched panels salvaged from other ships and hastily bashed in place with a hydrospanner under a hail of blaster fire. A ship everyone in the galaxy will call an eyesore, despite the fact that it is objectively rad by any measure.
Avoid: Brand new models, ships that look even remotely like any craft out there, a vessel that has been completely blown up
As a smuggler you'd think that more cargo space would be better. Nothing could be further from the truth. The trick is to move relatively small high-value items without being detected. What you need is a cramped cargo hold that is an absolute pain in the ass to use. We're talking about a dusty half-closet that forces you to rearrange your entire collection of vests and striped pants to make room for a single crate of iridium jizz flutes.
Ideally your cargo area will contain at least one flashing emergency light and the annoyed growling of a mysterious creature that is never seen.
Avoid: Storage holds that allow you to turn in any direction without hitting your elbow on a loose wall panel, basic securing devices such as hooks and straps
Shit should never work.
If everything ran all the time, what would you and your companion bicker about?
Avoid: Anything that starts up the first time its button is pressed, instrument panels that don't randomly dim as they emit sparks and feeble dying sounds
Scoundreling is a time-consuming job that sends you criss-crossing the galaxy. You need to sleep some time, so make sure your quarters are suitably inviting. We recommend a pair of beige plastic bunk beds sadly dangling from a moldy wall.
Avoid: Comfort, cleanliness, privacy
Which blaster cannon is the space equivalent of a half-hearted punch that leaves the puncher winded and nursing a dislocated shoulder? That's the one you want.
Only a psycho would get the job done with sheer firepower. You want to barely hold the enemy off until the last moment, saving yourself by committing to an outrageous near-suicidal plan.
Avoid: Shields that can withstand more than a single shot from a handheld blaster set to "annoy"
Haha, no. You're not exchanging credits for a ship like some sort of non-scoundrel. The retail price is irrelevant.
Here's how you're doing to get your very own smuggling ship. You're going to win in it in a sketchy bet that aggrieves multiple parties. Or you're going to hot-wire a random junker to escape from a facility you weren't authorized to visit in the first place.
If you absolutely must buy the ship with currency, take out a loan with unusual conditions that will be impossible to fulfill.
Avoid: Any deal that would be recorded on the books, a receipt, a warranty
Dissatisfied Star Wars fans have taken the women out of the Last Jedi with a new fan edit. They won't stop there.
The fifth phase of the week is upon us. Shops close, bars open, and we are free from the Bosses once more. But They Who Were Before Time await our tribute...
We'd like to thank Mr. Elba for taking the time to make this possible.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.