I continue to welcome and am fully cooperating with the Office of Inspector General (OIG) review of processes and procedures related to my official sensual pleasure which I receive as part of my duty as Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). In my radiant pleasuredrome created in Washington, D.C. I have been serviced by a cadre of eunuchs, the finest and most shorn harlots of Paris, a mermaid, several large girls who tickle me with a feather, and my special throne which provides me with additional pleasure.
As I have previously stated, all of this sensual pleasure was approved by legal and a giggling duke wearing a powdered wig and coat tails. In no way was this an example of a known insider trader being given a government job only to loot its coffers for his own extravagant pleasures.
There is nothing extravagant about these pleasures! These are medically necessary and directly related to the work I do as the head of HHS. How could I meet with the head of the Nebraska Department of Health unless I welcome her into my golden breast-shaped pleasuredrome. She spoke in words and I spoke in the ancient language of Tantric bliss. After orgasming together for over seven hours, we managed to figure out a way to get almost 75,000 people off healthcare in Nebraska. Do you think we could have achieved such savings to the taxpayers had we not woven our sexual energy together creating a cage of pleasure for our souls?
No, is the answer to that. The same goes for when we had our wounded warriors come to the pleasuredrome to be dressed as Disney princesses. Have any of you stopped to think about how hard it is to make a man with one arm and no legs into a convincing Jasmine? No, you didn't, is the answer to that.
Despite this, I regret the concerns this has raised regarding the use of taxpayer dollars. All of my political career I have attempted to ensure no normal person benefits from services offered by the government. Somehow, I forgot that even though I have hundreds of millions of dollars, I am a normal person and sensual pleasure can be a service from the government.
I have let myself down and for this I deeply apologize to myself. I know as well as anyone that the American people want to know that their hard-earned dollars created a magnificent sculpture of two maidens intertwined made entirely out of cocaine. And that the cocaine was very, very pure.
To make sure everyone knows that I understand and appreciate this, and to make sure everyone knows that this will never happen again, I am taking the following steps:
I have spent forty years as a pleasure mad hedonist addicted to all the finer things in life, which I have enjoyed throughout my career and at great personal sacrifice. Did you know I had myself baked into a giant cake and then paid a fat woman to sit on the cake with me inside it? No, you never bothered to ask. It has been my personal honor to serve the American people, and to be jacked off by various American people and people from other countries, to be bathed in oil and have my hocks whipped by ladies from Brazil.
It is my hope that this controversy can die down and I can get my throne back. As mentioned, it is medically necessary.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
To celebrate this week's announcement of Mega Man 11 - the first Mega Man game since Mega Man 6 on the NES - let's remember all the terrific bosses we've faced in this beloved series!
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
Buy three Epic Loot Crates for only $7.99, get a free fourth loot crate for only $2.99!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.