Although many people are not aware, the world passed through a devastating crisis in the mid-80s, one so severe that it threatened to destroy the very fabric of humanity itself. Many government officials attempted to cover up this catastrophe, often responding to apocalyptic questions with brazen lies such as "huh?" and "what the fuck are you talking about?" Fortunately, the news media was able to penetrate the seemingly air-tight government cover up, scooping each and every fact from their tightly-clenched bureaucratic fists. The brave men and women then fled with this invaluable information, cowering away in the dark recesses of various Chinese film studios while carefully orchestrating their next move. Through the grace of god and the help of a not-so-wealthy film distributor, these folks were able to spread the news of this global government conspiracy by the most effective method possible - a movie - which is in circulation to this very day. In a world full of thieves, liars, druggies, and Scientologists, this film reminds us that there is still one hero that can protect us no matter how desperate times become. This man is Master Cheung and this movie is "Evil Cat."
When some random Chinese construction workers accidentally dig into a giant rock slab which had been imprisoning the ghost of "Evil Cat" for the past 400 years, Master Cheung decides to leave a sixth grade Halloween play to prepare for the ultimate battle with this evil force. You see, Master Cheung's family had been fighting Evil Cat for the past 400 years, defeating it in combat and then patiently waiting for it to rise from its grave every 50 years so they could kill it again and strip away another of its nine lives away. This being its ninth anniversary, Cheung knows defeating Evil Cat one last time will kill it for good, and then he can go back to paying small children nickels to remove the horrible black growth on his forehead. It does not take long before Evil Cat flies out of his stone prison and begins racking up the body count by murdering a bunch of security guards protecting a landlord in an influential business high rise.
Master Cheung gathers his strength and departs for justice, determined to end Evil Cat's reign of terror once and for all. Master Cheung decides to hitch a ride by bolting out into a busy street and getting run over by some guy who was attempting to drive while making out with a girl. Some men like to drive cars. Other men wish to hitchhike. Master Cheung prefers to be run over by strangers in cars, and that's something only a real hero would do. After mysteriously vanishing and instantly teleporting into the back seat of the car, he demands the male driver take him to some indeterminate location, shortly before calling his female companion a "prostitute" and then tying her to a flagpole with tape where they abandon her. When was the last time you heard of Albert Einstein doing something so noble? He just wrote some crap about numbers and explosions or something. Master Cheung called somebody a whore and then dumped them off the shoulder of a highway. Case closed. To show his appreciation for the ride, Master Cheung presents Cheng with a piece of paper that is guaranteed to "ward of this evil." I hope it comes in handy later!
Upon arriving at the high rise murder scene where the security guards were murdered by Evil Cat, Master Cheung is greeted with pure shock and horror.
He begins his in-depth investigation by walking in one direction, then concludes his in-depth investigation by walking in a completely different direction. Siu-Chuen Cheung, the supposedly famous television reporter who also happens to be his daughter, arrives at the scene to cover the multiple murder, but ends up having to fend off sexual advances by the police chief. Master Cheung's "fat doughy guy hitting on my daughter" detector goes off and he warns his daughter of the chief's true intentions, which have something to do with "association." Siu-Chuen Cheung pretends to heed her father's advice, but she does not (and can not) appreciate how wise and intelligent he truly is. The bitch.
Mark Cheng, the driver who previously helped Master Cheung call his passenger a whore and tie her up alongside the interstate, heads home and tries to forget the fact that his boss (the landlord) was almost killed by an evil cat. A noise awakens him so he walks outside, unprepared and shocked to see his boss Mr. Fan clutching a fish in his mouth and making cat-like noises! Unfortunately for Cheng, this cat is of the very evil variety, and Mr. Fan's possessed body leaps and hurls itself at Cheng with reckless abandon. Cornered and out of options, Cheng assumes he will surely fall prey to the clutches of Mr. Fan / Evil Cat... until the Evil Cat recoils in sheer terror! What saved Cheng from a seemingly definite demise? Once again the credit goes to Master Cheung and his incredible foresight which presented Cheng with that little magical piece of anti-Evil Cat paper in the previous scene! Next time somebody gives you a brown receipt which they claim will defeat a satanic 400-year old cat who has possessed a Chinese businessman, you'd better darn well take it!
Cheng escapes and flees to Master Cheung's fortress of solitude, praying that Master Cheung will aid him in his time of need. Of course Master Cheung will help you, Cheng! Master Cheung isn't afraid to put his life on the line for anybody or anything as long as that cause is just and good. Master Cheung engages in a little speech with his daughter which I unfortunately cannot exactly recall because Master Cheung speaks key phrases in code. "Do you really make up ypur mind?" he asks her in a tone of voice only a loving father could. I don't remember exactly how she responds or if her reply was run through spellchecker. I'm guessing "no."
Cheng flees to his mother's apartment, hoping to hide out from the evil Mr. Fan who is possessed by the evil Evil Cat. He explains to his mother that Mr. Fan is "an evil" and she argues that he is "not an evil" and this discussion degenerates into them slapping each other for about five minutes. Suddenly Mr. Fan strolls through the kitchen door and causes Cheng to recoil in pure terror / nervous system disorder! Oddly enough, Mr. Fan is acting normal and cannot recall a single aspect of Cheng's fanciful story. Cheng fears his mind had played tricks on him and made up the entire encounter... until he spies the large uncooked fish his mother was bringing to Mr. Fan! Oh no! The jig is up! Mr. Fan throws Cheng's mother into the kitchen and tries to murder Cheng by causing his chair to float a few inches off the ground. Now THAT'S an evil cat! Mrs. Cheng throws a ceramic Buddha statue at him which explodes and sends him flying out the window. The evil Mr. Fan-cat is gone... or is it?
Meanwhile, Master Cheung prepares his 130-year old muscles for the ultimate showdown with Evil Cat by performing a heroic series of waist-rotation-type thingies. He takes a moment to reflect upon his vow of poverty with his daughter, who responds by calling him an old fool and threatening to send him to a sanatorium. That ignorant hussy! Master Cheung does not belong in a mental ward! He belongs on top of a bronze monument declaring his nobility to millions and millions of people! Siu-Chuen Cheung makes some cryptic comment about "the story of Wisely," which I interpreted to mean, "I'm sorry I'm such a stupid rotten bitch, daddy. I do not deserve somebody as wonderful and awesome as Master Cheung. May god strike me down and make me burn in hell for my sins."
Cheng forces his way into the Cheung home and pleas for the guidance of Master Cheung's wisdom, detailing his struggle with the possessed Mr. Fan whose attitude seemed distinctly different than normal (ie, "more evil cat-like"). Master Cheung correctly interprets this to mean Evil Cat's spirit has infected his boss, turning him into a vile killing machine! Cheng goes on to reveal a few more sordid details of Mr. Fan's transformation, some of which might be too raunchy for the younger viewers out there. Needless to say, Master Cheung is truly up against one of the most nefarious forces ever.
Noting that time is of the essence Master Cheung and Cheng prepare to fight this demonic cat businessman; if Evil Cat is not destroyed by sunrise the next day, it will become immortal! Somehow! I'm not exactly sure why or how this will happen, but Master Cheung said it so I believe it and that's all that matters.
Cheng and Master Cheung conclude they have no choice and must depart at once to vanquish the evil Mr. Fan. After all, they don't want to be called "carzy" by people.
Master Cheung and his trainee arrive at Mr. Fan's office to confront him. Unfortunately, Master Cheung gets beaten up by a bunch of mall security guards and is tossed into an elevator until he decides to summon power from the God of Lightning and shoot electricity at everybody. Meanwhile, Mr. Fan begins viciously mauling Cheng, who cannot find a single way to harm him. Master Cheung bursts through the door in the nick of time and shoots a magic arrow through Mr. Fan's heart, causing a giant soul train of blue ghosts to spew forth and fly drunkenly around the room!
Although they successfully exorcised the demon from Mr. Fan (by murdering him), the Evil Cat spirited escaped its human shell and flew out the window. To make matters worse, a series of random people hustle into the room and place both Master Cheung and Cheng under arrest simply because they murdered a man with an arrow in a crowded business office. The justice system had no idea who they were talking to! Master Cheung is a hero, not a petty criminal, and heroes should get awards for murdering people with arrows, not jail time!
The bonds of Master Cheung and Cheng's friendship begin to unravel in their holding cell, as Cheng threatens to be a "withness" against Master Cheung. He replies by explaining that the police do not need a "withness" and that nobody cares if he's a "withness." The police chief ignorantly offers them a cup of tea, unaware of the horror which is about to grip his station like a heart attack after ingesting a "5 For 5" Arby's combo meal.
While Master Cheung and Cheng patch together their relationship, a hip and popular rock star named "Vincent" belts out a few pop hits in the recording studio. Allow me to transcribe the lyrics to his smash song:
Let the happiness fill yourselves with energy
You'l have a wonderful life forever.
Make you happy, and make you smile.
The mad love'll fill your life with energy.
With the great strenght, I Love You forever.
I shall Love You ever and ever.
Needless to say, he gets murdered by Evil Cat, who had possessed Mr. Fan's hot-to-trot secretary. I am not sure if you can purchase the single of this song, but you can download part of it here.
Evil Cat / Mr. Fan's secretary heads to the police station so she can murder Master Cheung and sever the anti-Evil Cat bloodline once and for all. The police find themselves powerless against her awesome powers of jumping really high and moving her arms in such a fashion so their heads fall off, so they abandon their attempts to "arresy" her. Officers either flee or die fighting the horrible creature, and Master Cheung heads to the evidence room so he may obtain his magic arrow confiscated during the murder of Mr. Fan. Only this arrow can save humanity from the eternal evil of Evil Cat, and it's a race against time for Master Cheung and his young understudy Cheng!
Master Cheung, Cheng, and Evil Cat meet in the prison courtyard for one of the most dramatic showdowns in cinematic history. Will the power of good, represented by the brash young Cheng and his elderly mentor Master Cheung, be able to overpower the pure diabolic villainy of Evil Cat? Will the tag team of Master Cheung and Cheng be able to snuff out Evil Cat's remaining ninth life before the sun rises and his vile soul is rendered immortal? I don't want to ruin the ending for you, ladies and gentlemen, so you must see for yourselves!
Master Cheung was one of the last true heroes to grace our planet, and this movie demonstrates his convictions like no other media can. His courage, intelligence, and ingenuity knew no bounds. He dedicated his life to destroying Evil Cat and ending its ways of terror so innocent civilians like you and I could rest easy at night knowing all is well. Although the government and worldwide authorities tried to cover up the near catastrophe our world was plunged into during the Evil Cat scare of the 1980s, this movie allows Master Cheung's heroic spirit to live on and touch future generations of upstanding citizens. God bless you Master Cheung, wherever you may be (dead probably).
Where is the TomTom Navigator now? 40.7 Latitude, -74 Longitude
Dissatisfied Star Wars fans have taken the women out of the Last Jedi with a new fan edit. They won't stop there.
We'd like to thank Mr. Elba for taking the time to make this possible.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.