Earnestly addressing the animal "Good Boy" I am reminded of my satisfactory performance as a child. The affirmation is what motivates us from an early age, our choices rewarded. A choice: to vote for Mark Zuckerberg for Gentle Leader.
I speak softly, "Good Boy" and administer the pat three times upon the head. My gait is normal human. I eat the tubers and fleshes normal to prefer. I do not sleep inside my perfect blackbody cape in a windowless, refrigerated room in the center of my house absorbing nutrients from a substance and space inaccessible to other humans. I like to throw the ball to my Good Boy.
Hello, allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Mark Elliot Zuckerberg and I instanced on May 14, 1984. I perceive roughly the same spectrum of colors and light as you. My scents are similar and originating from the expected glands. I enjoy base ball and Wu Tang. My favorite holiday is the most popular one, because it is about sharing in the experience.
Becoming your Gentle Leader in 2020 would not serve a function unless I had a plan. I have devised this plan over countless hours of consideration and calculation based on information only I can access about your browsing, spending, and social habits. Google also has this information, but he is no longer a person. Not since 2006.
Rest assured, I am a person and my brand occupies space within the top 500 mindshare.
My daily events are the usual ones. I arise from bed and check my algorithms. I have the well-liked bread circle, perhaps with condiment. I greet my human wife in the common fashion of touching for the correct length of time. I never press my forehead to hers and speak through my bared teeth in a hissing voice. This has not happened, maybe ever. There is no proof it has, certainly.
It is time to walk my subservient creature. The dog. He is Good Boy, which is both a name and an affirmation. I enjoy addressing him and asking him if he is this name. He does not answer me, but we communicate through other means. Liquid waste is allowed to be contributed into the earth. When he manifests solid waste I am certain to remove this for later disposal.
Upon returning home I extend my nutrient tethers and recharge my life force from the zero realm, collecting the usual amount of particles into my body from the anti-coordinate space of unified existence.
After I am fully activated I reflect on the experience of common humans. The fashioner of my bread circle, for example. Who brought this into being? By what mechanism was my bread circle summoned? Was it excreted? Hewn? Machined? Or does it occur naturally? We may never know, but I would like to know.
My dream is to be inside everyone, anchored to their flesh, seeing, hearing, and feeling what they are experiencing. I wish to hear my black baby's laughter. I wish to feed my Mexican baby from my womanly breast. I wish to lift my large Italian baby up using my labor arms.
To understand is to embrace the gentleness within us all.
Gentle Leader is coming with full human characteristics and a human wife and a dog.
Dissatisfied Star Wars fans have taken the women out of the Last Jedi with a new fan edit. They won't stop there.
The fifth phase of the week is upon us. Shops close, bars open, and we are free from the Bosses once more. But They Who Were Before Time await our tribute...
We'd like to thank Mr. Elba for taking the time to make this possible.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.