Before we introduce the changes and bug fixes in this version of Dead Island, we would like to thank our customers for their patience.

Sure, we accidentally released an old version of the game at launch, then asked everyone to re-download the whole thing only to realize that this time we had uploaded a DVD rip of Robocop 3.

You, however, stuck by us, and we truly appreciate that. It is our sincere belief that Dead Island is now the open world first person zombie action-rpg that we set out to make.

General

  • Time now moves forward.
  • It seems that some players were uncomfortable with the way that female bikini zombies collapsed after death, with their legs spread and their asses raised in the air. We added an apology in fine print to the bikini butthole texture.
  • People really seem to love the color coded loot, so we added the remaining 24 million colors to the random drop system. They do not denote any particular level of quality, but technically speaking they do make each item much more rare.
  • Removed the escape boat which would occasionally spawn off the coast within the first ten minutes, drastically shortening the length of the game.

User Interface

  • Added way more blood splatters to every menu. You can barely see what you’re selecting. It’s great.
  • Reworked inventory management. All weapons are now kept under the Misc tab, all miscellaneous items are kept under the Quest Items tab, and all quest items are now impossible to pick up.
  • Removed an item from the main menu which simply read “Hot Dog Button”. Still not sure how it got there.

Gameplay

  • Driving controls have been simplified and reworked to feel more natural. Pressing the only remaining button will now initiate the warp drive and immediately take you to your destination.
  • Kissing a zombie no longer turns you into a zombie, unless you use tongue.
  • After hacking individual limbs off of zombies, many players were wondering why they couldn’t pick those limbs up and use them as weapons. To remedy this, detached body parts now disappear upon hitting the ground.

Graphics

  • Added water to the environment, making the island an actual island rather than a figurative island. Sheesh, some people just don’t understand subtext.
  • Zombie combat simply wasn’t as visceral and disgusting as we intended. Replaced all zombie models with FMV of medical cadavers being torn apart by lions.

Sound

  • Every single instance of voice acting was terrible. We kept it all in, but overlaid some random unlicensed clips of Nolan North and Steve Blum.

Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine
An insane, genuinely thrilling third person shooter that replaces "stop and hide behind cover" with "barrel into crowds of dudes, punch them in the face, and saw them into pieces to recover health". 8/10

Tropico 4
If you liked Tropico 3 and are willing to pay for a slight graphical update then you are a crazy person, but for everyone else this is a decent way to dive into the series. 6/10

Hard Reset
More money and effort was spent on the insane animated menus and in-game UI than the game's marketing. 7/10

Gears Of War 3
Now I feel bad for saying that Gears Of War 3 was an unnecessary sequel - it's still unnecessary, but it's more god damn fun than a cover-based shooter has the right to be in 2011. 9/10

Dead Island
It's not the fascinating trailer, nor is it a straightforward shooter, but it is broken as fuck and extremely satisfying in spite of itself when it all manages to come together. 8/10

The Gunstringer
The second best use of the Kinect after Dance Central, though to be fair the previous holder of that distinction was Kinectimals. 7/10

Resistance 3
The game that Resistance 2 should have been, which is to say that it's prettier with a marginally less painful forced story, and that you'll forget about it shortly after completion. 6/10

We Dance
The one thing this game had going for it was that it could have been called Wii Dance, and they couldn't even get that right. 3/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

More Video Game Article

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.

  • DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG

    DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG

    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful