Paris Hilton "Sweating," "Breathing at a Slightly Increased Rate"
Posted Jun 17th 2007 9:36 AM by DMZ Staff

DMZ has learned from "inside sources" that media sensation-cum-incarcerated prison princess Paris Hilton has been "sweating" and "breathing at a slightly increased rate." What could this possibly mean? We asked our on-staff medical expert Randy Velonhausen.

"She's undoubtedly scared to death. She is hyperventilating from humiliation and abject terror. She realizes she's nothing but an untalented idiot making millions of dollars from other untalented idiots who hate her. It's a well known medical condition called 'bagleaducitis.' The second, and final step in this tragic medical condition is, of course, death."

Prison officials sent us a press release claiming Hilton had finished working out in the exercise room, and she was not, in fact, "dying from 'bagleaducitis,' whatever that may be."

EDITOR'S NOTE: We were unable to locate a photo of Paris Hilton anywhere on the internet, so we instead used a picture of a mule wearing a hat. Please pretend one of his eyes is floating off at an ungodly, horrifying 65-degree angle.

Ain't No Burger Time in Prison!
Posted Jun 17th 2007 9:31 AM by DMZ Staff

Is Paris itching for a good burger in prison? Looks like she picked the wrong place to get tossed into the slammer! DMZ has exclusively obtained this menu from the Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood:

Looks like little Miss Hilton won't be dining on her standard fare of $10,000 quail eggs, solid gold milkshakes, and power bars made out of decommissioned WWII fighter jets. We contacted a famous psychologist and asked him what affect this menu would have on the frightened, horrified Hilton.

"You want me to analyze a menu and predict its effects on a celebrity?" Dr. Raymond Chung asked us, probably because he was jealous we obtained such a hot scoop of incredible information. "This isn't even a menu. It's written on the back of an elementary school math test, which got a 37% grade. Even if this was a real menu, why would anybody care? Do people honestly think about this kind of thing? Who the hell is Paris Hilton anyway?"

After showing him the notorious video of Miss Hilton showering some oral ecstasy upon Rick Salomon, then explaining this is why she's a world-renowned celebrity worth millions of dollars, Chung replied, "this is a nice tape. It's like watching night vision Navy SEAL footage of some deep sea creature attempting to swallow an albino's thumb."

Cleanup on Aisle Spears!
Posted Jun 17th 2007 9:01 AM by DMZ Staff

Looks like party girl Britney Spears didn't even bother trying to cover up her Hollywood sexscapades last night after coming home at a VERY late 6:32 AM! Our spies in the streets spotted this incriminating evidence from her night on the town:

The single mother of two was apparently "slumming it up" with her various friends, described by an eyewitness as "dumb sluts who were acting all rich and shit like they were better than me." But what surprised all of us was the -very- obvious batch of DNA resting on her left shoe! When you're out painting the town red, make sure there's some left over for your shoe when somebody hits you one more time, Brit!

UPDATE: Britney's PR agent has informed us the "white splotch" is simply the reflection of street light. We aren't buying it though... when's the last time a light bulb has appeared on your shoe? This ain't the Virgin Mary for crying out loud!

UPDATE #2: Our expert photo analyst Hank "Penguin Rolls" Martz suggested perhaps the white splotch is bird poop, which begs the question: why are you covering yourself with bird shit and semen, Miss Spears?

Hilton Possibly DEAD?!?
Posted Jun 17th 2007 8:32 AM by DMZ Staff

Is Paris Hilton no more? Decide for yourself after reading this EXCLUSIVE scoop we got from our source inside the Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood:

Last night at 10:00 PM, when we turned off all the lights and made the prisoners go to sleep, I noticed Miss Hilton walk to her bed, go underneath the covers, and place her head on the pillow.

After casually observing her constantly (I made sure not to miss one second of action by taping my eyes open and freely urinating in my pants), I realized Miss Hilton had been laying motionless in bed for over five hours. It is now 3:52 AM and she is still motionless. Has something happened to her? Perhaps her heart, wracked with fear and anguish, simply gave up? I don't know, I'm not a doctor. Actually I am a doctor but I'm just not a very good one so I don't know.

We consulted our on-staff internet doctor and asked if Miss Hilton could possibly be dead. "Definitely," he replied. "There is little to no doubt she is dead. She is showing all the classic symptoms of being very dead, which includes not moving no matter how long somebody stares at you." To demonstrate, our internet doctor showed us a picture of a corpse. It did not move, just like Miss Hilton. We looked at the image for at least two hours, just to make sure. No movement. We even checked the file extension.

We contacted Hilton's PR agent who replied, "to the best of my knowledge, no, she is not dead." After an extensive, 50-minute long grilling session, the PR agent eventually conceded, "I cannot say with 100% certainty that she is not dead, no," which leads us to wonder: how many times Hilton could've possibly died in prison without anybody knowing?

EDITOR'S NOTE: We were unable to locate a photo of Paris Hilton anywhere on the internet, so we instead used a picture of a horse preparing to eat some grass. Pretend the horse is carrying a $1000 handbag and has a face so shiny that radio waves are reflecting off it.

Mysterious Objects Discovered in Lohan's Feces
Posted Jun 17th 2007 8:13 AM by DMZ Staff

After a grueling eight-hour nonstop party at trendy Hollywood nightclub Raspberry's, Lindsay Lohan apparently excused herself to use the restroom. What came out of this self-destructing supernova of cinema stardom will shock you:

As you can plainly see, little loco Lohan apparently got all juiced up and began swallowing her own teeth! The coked up, drunken debutante reportedly ordered one too many hard ciders at Raspberry's, stumbled into the restroom, and returned minus one yellowed tooth!

Don't be shocked though; this isn't anything new to Hollywood claims bigwig celebrity analyst Fredrick Peter Von Meyers. "Celebrities have been eating their own teeth for years now. It all started back in 1976 when Peter Fonda, then filming Futureworld, was kicked in the jaw by an animatronic doctor delivering an animatronic baby from an animatronic vagina. His tooth flew free and he accidentally swallowed it. Well Stuart Margolin saw this and thought Fonda did it on purpose, so during dinner that night, he knocked out one of his molars, placed it inside his coffee, and drank it. And you know what they say in Hollywood: once Stuart Margolin does it, wait 15 minutes and EVERYBODY will be doing it. Toothgulping has continued to be the craze since then, and really, Lohan's behavior doesn't surprise me at all."

Witnesses claim Lohan possessed all visible teeth after the party ended, which leads us to suspect she either broke off one in the back or stole a tooth from a member of her entourage. Vanessa Minnillo, smile for the camera!

Presidential Candidates Address Hilton's Jail Time
Posted Jun 17th 2007 7:42 AM by DMZ Staff

Presidential hopefuls Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama took time out of their busy schedule to share their views on Paris Hilton's incarceration. While waving to the crowd from inside a limousine, our on-the-spot correspondent Mylar Rex shouted "HEY HILLARY I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU AND THAT QUESTION IS ABOUT PARIS HILTON! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT HUH?" Hillary reportedly mouthed a response which we could not hear, as her windows were darkened, rolled up, and she had her head turned away from us. Somebody on the other side of her vehicle was able to read her lips, and he claims Hillary said something along the lines of "this shirt, it feels too big." Was she perhaps claiming Hilton's jail sentence was a bit too harsh? We emailed the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors asking what they would do if President Hillary Clinton were to be elected tomorrow and immediately pardon Hilton. Their response shocked us!

FROM: IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!
SUBJECT: Snooze the up horse amanda woke John 3:16 anal picnic

As for Obama? Our contacts spotted him using a cellphone and speaking the phrase "oh that poor girl" in to it. We do not know who he was speaking to, but it's fairly obvious who he was speaking about! We'll keep our eyes and ears peeled for any further developments.

Hilton for President in 2008!

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