Never Too Young to Die

Corruthers watches the house, while Cliff scopes out some good fly fishing. That's real helpful, there, Cliff.Lance, Cliff, and Danja meet with Corruthers and some old guy who seems to be the commanding officer. Cliff explains that he has the disk. They could destroy it, ending the whole ordeal, but Corruthers has a better idea, and by "better" I mean "stupid and obviously concocted by the villain." He wants to use Lance and Danja as bait, hoping that Ragnar will attack them, giving whatever organization they all work for the chance to nail him. So, Lance and Danja wait at the farmhouse, and the mystery organization watches them at all times through binoculars from a base that they set up roughly fifty feet away. Lance mentions to Danja that he thinks Corruthers is working for Ragnar. Let me explain that another way. Lance, the college student who had to use incredibly complex cheating technology to pass his biology test, figured out that Corruthers was a traitor before Danja, the secret agent who is supposed to suspect everyone at all times. Danja decides that Lance is right, but they stay at the house anyway. It's been a while since the last time, so Lance accuses Danja of sleeping with his father, and she tells Lance that she loves him. It just proves what I've always said - accusing women of sleeping with your father turns them on.

Meanwhile, Corruthers and Cliff watch the house. A dumb, dumb soldier tells Cliff that there's a crack in his bike, and Cliff does a piss poor job of covering it up. The camera zooms in on Corruthers looking suspicious, but we already know he's evil, so there's really no point. Back at the house, a highly erotic scene ensues in which Danja seduces Lance and he responds by getting stuff from the kitchen:

The international sign for "goddamnit, I didn't sleep with your father, now have sex with me!"

1. Danja strips down to her unmentionables.
2. Lance gets a drink from the kitchen.
3. Danja rubs lotion on her legs.
4. Lance drops his drink.
5. Danja rubs lotion on her breasts.
6. Lance gets an apple from the kitchen.
7. Danja takes off her top.
8. Lance drops the apple and goes into the kitchen.
9. Danja hoses herself down, completely topless.
10. Lance, back from the kitchen, throws his peach away.
11. Sex.

Lance finally gets the hint, and they go inside for a healthy dose of horribly edited intercourse. Corruthers, who was watching them the whole time and obviously saw them go inside, decides that they've been out of sight too long. No one questions this, because the entire organization is comprised of idiots, and Corruthers takes a helicopter over to the house. That's right, he takes a helicopter to a house that's clearly within sight. That's like hopping a bus to go to the bathroom. Corruthers and a few of Ragnar's henchmen burst into the house, capture Lance and Danja, and replace them with doubles. Ragnar, like all good villains, has a large supply of clones of all of his possible enemies. Once the lot of them are back in the helicopter, Corruthers takes off his sunglasses, revealing that he's wearing eyeshadow. You know, evil eyeshadow. He then pulls off his entire face, making the eyeshadow totally pointless, and showing Lance and Danja that he is actually Ragnar! That's right, Corruthers was really Velvet von Ragnar the entire time. You might ask, how did Ragnar have time to organize an army and a complicated scheme while posing as Corruthers and carrying out his duties within the mystery organization? Shut up, that's how.

Bear with me, now, because it goes downhill from here. At his base, Ragnar gives a thoroughly unnecessary speech to his army of mutants. Danja and Lance are brought in in chains. Sure, they're ridiculously long chains that don't prohibit movement at all, but chains all the same. Pyramid rides in on Cliff's bike, and produces the disk. It's over. Ragnar has won. Danja tries to appeal to the Corruthers side of Ragnar's personality, but it's no use, because, as you may remember from the previous paragraph, THERE NEVER WAS A CORRUTHERS AND SHE'S A GODDAMN IDIOT FOR TRYING! Sorry, I got carried away, there. I didn't mean to IS SHE RETARDED OR JUST AN IDIOT? OF COURSE IT DIDN'T WORK! Whoa, sorry, I really just lost WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE THINKING? COME ON! 

Alright, I think that's out of my system. Ragnar gives the order for his army to kill Lance and Danja, but at the last moment, Lance challenges Pyramid to a one-on-one fight. Ragnar lets them go at it, because he's a dumb hermaphrodite. Some of the mutants take off Lance's chains. As soon as the fight starts, he just grabs a gun from one of the closest mutants and shoots Pyramid. Stamos - 1, Pyramid - 0. Now it's just Lance with a gun and Danja, who is still in chains, against a massive horde of gun-toting PCP fiends. I won't tell you exactly what happens, but it takes about a minute and both John and Danja appear in later scenes, so figure it out, Poindexter. Ragnar escapes (yes, he has to escape from this situation) in a truck, carrying a briefcase that contains a computer capable of releasing the toxic waste into the water. Cliff shows up and gives Danja the Fireblazer, only now he calls it the Fireblaster. Way to be, Cliff. Way to be. Danja gets into a helicopter, and Lance takes off after Ragnar on a motorcycle.

The flowers! Evil, thy name is Velvet.

At the Diablo Canyon dam, Ragnar activates the computer. Naturally, there is a long, drawn out countdown. No villain in the history of the world has ever been able to design a computer system that performs its function immediately upon activation. In the meantime, Ragnar takes some daisies from a flowerpot. Wow. As Lance approaches, Ragnar jams a crowbar in the wheel of his motorcycle. Lance gets off in the nick of time. The two of them have an infuriatingly long debate over who's better - someone who's half-man, half-woman, or someone who's all man. They grapple a little bit, ending up with Ragnar on top. Lance gets out by biting his man/woman boob. One more time: Uncle Jesse bites Gene Simmons' boob. My brain is on fire. Ragnar cries for forgiveness, and Lance makes fun of him for crying and tells him to deprogram the computer. Ragnar says that he can't, then grabs Lance and hurls him over the side with the strength of a six year old girl. Lance flies roughly four inches, and easily grabs the side of the dam. He tricks Ragnar into giving him his hand by telling him that he (Lance) always thought that he (Ragnar) was beautiful. Ragnar buys it, because he's a stupid hermaphrodite, and Lance stabs him in the neck with his own fingernail. Ragnar falls over the side. Danja tosses Lance the Fireblazer/blaster from the helicopter. He tries to use it to blow up the computer, but it breaks. So, he throws the Fireblazer/blaster and the computer over the side of the canyon. Somehow, they collide with one another from opposite directions and explode, saving the day. As Lance, Danja, and Cliff drive off together, Danja asks if Lance ever saw Ragnar's body, leaving it open for a sequel.

To be honest, the first two thirds of "Never Too Young to Die" wasn't that bad. Sure, there was plenty of bad acting, bad directing, bad writing, bad cinematography, and bad editing, but none of it was colon-cancer-causing bad. The last third, however, just smacked of failure. The final showdown between Ragnar and Lance was one of the most sexist things I've ever witnessed. I feel like a bad person just for having a common chromosome with either of them. My guess is that Gil Bettman was running short on time and money, so he just said, "Screw it. I'm making a movie with Gene Simmons as a hermaphrodite and Uncle freaking Jesse as a secret agent. There's no way this can be good." And truth be told, he was right.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Ben "Greasnin" Platt