The Black Lives Matter has created an absolute frenzy of people suddenly deciding they, too, must share the things they feel matter. And those things are most always stupid. Some shit site called "Flagwix" decided to pop up and cash in on the "THINGS MATTER" and "DIFFERENT FLAGS" craze. Prepare yourselves for 50 of Flagwix's greatest and most influential American flags.

01 - America Doesn't Support Shit

Remember the Vietnam War that America didn't AT ALL support? The US soldiers just kinda fucken appeared on the Vietnam battleground with M-50s and chemical weapons and said, "hey, nobody's gonna give us any support when we return (which I guess is true), so let's just do our shit here and fly helicopters in front of the green Easter egg riding the galactic moth."


02 - Recursive Flag Syndrome Case Number 09348478


The reason I put this flag here is to prepare you for the upcoming onslaught of recursive flags. When you stare in the flag, the flag stares back at you. By the way, this flag is for America.


03 - Violently-Low IQ Government Employee Suckling Teat


A tiny, green version of the American flag held gently by Master and Misses Hand. A bunch of acupuncture needles stuck in them. Let's follow this with a shitload of Fans Only-style federal worker worship. Combine all and you've got yourself something that screams, "THE BULLET IS STILL LODGED IN MY SKULL." Unfortunately for NURSE, somebody stabbed her name, exposing her flag guts. Kids, cover your eyes.


04 - Michigan: Home of the Gluttonous Cowards


When I think "Michigan," I naturally think "home of Little Caeser's Crazy Bread." That's what I think. I think that. Because I'm fucking stupid.


05 - My Birds and Flowers Storye


My storey began with heavy levels of Agent Orange in my blood.


07 - "MISSOURI DAY!!!!" * FIRES GUN *


As a current Missouri resident (it says so in the incident reports), I wake up ever single day with a violin in one hand and a live catfish in my other, and I just think nonstop about flowers and frogs and shit. Note the bottom middle green box:


Missouri is apparently famous for Missouri Day, the day where Missouri can finally be Missouri and stop being something else, like uh a mummy or table chair or whatever.


08 - Where Are All My Flags, Have You Seen All My Flags


I actually zoomed in on this image and discovered over 16,000 individual American flags inside the primary American flag host. We got flags running vertical to flags inside eagles with shields on their dick to god knows fuck. Oh, and of course the famous fireman quote everybody knows and loves them of: "KEEP BACK 200 FT." Because firemen smell like shit.


09 - Crab's Running the Race


Jerry Garcia's gigantic furious crab qualifies for NASCAR.


10 - That Bird's Puking Again, Joel


In an absolutely genius move of recycling, Big Brown Bird is just absolutely hurling the past several hundred dishes he consumed, which gravity somehow forces to circle around and then fly directly up his own ass. The One-Bird Human Centipede.


11 - Merry Christmas, Happy 58,479 Dead


Remember that scene from "Apocalypse Now" where the brave soldiers, purely composed of toilet paper rolls, got lost in the Christmas Tree? I do, but that's because I abuse narcotics.


12 - Those Motherfucking Deer Are Burning the Flag


A red wad of a flag seems to be attacking the woods with pure flame. The deer give no fuck. Go deer.


13 - Hell is Hummingbirds


Phoenix Hummingbird is birth from the loins of Our Father, thereby rendering an era of America's flag line logs. Fuck you.


14 - Runaway Loyal American Horse Mildly Reassures Us All


Gaze upon a horse disintegrating before our very eyes, fleeing to placate us by announcing "EVERYTHING WILL BE OK" in his dying breath. Just okay? You're breaking into atoms and tiny American flags. That's like if somebody took okay and then made the opposite of it and then said it out loud and, fuck I don't know, somebody wrote it down somewhere.


15 - My Mailbox Is Puking Bricks Onto America


One in a very large series of "the Goatse hand stretching upon the flag to reveal the free prize inside." Also one in an elaborately arbitrary collection of bizarre postal worker worship. I mean, I got nothing against postal workers, but at the same time, I've got nothing for them. I'm not going to tear off an American flag to free an upchucking mailbox. I learned that lesson the hard way. It was the night I woke up in the ravine


16 - If You Like Flowers, You'll Like This Flag


A very touching tribute to the majestic state of Sunflower.


17 - Hot Sauce and Incest


Nothing quite like purchasing something that screams "we do FAMILY." That is illegal, I think. Some kind of fucked up bird like a stupid stork or whatever the fuck he is, acting like a cock and welcoming you to the home that does itself. Fancy a drink of "Bour bon" with your life-scarring sexual depravity?


18 - Pharmaceutical Jesus


Not only are the breathtakingly Christian words all completely upside down, but we're privy to Jesus's vitals, which should be protected by HIPPA but isn't so thanks a lot Obama. Good job bunching up the "19" real close because the mongoloid asshole flag-creating duncecap ran out of flag lines and knew if he fucked up another flag, the boss in his Chinese sweatshop would dock his pay from zero dollars to zero dollars.


19 - The United States of Gumby Tossing Down Invitations to His Quinceanera


You know who I really appreciate now, in our time of national crisis? The fucken Christian postal worker. That's the guy I absolutely feel for, man. Always on the front lines. A real motherfucker.


20 - Rosie the Postal Worker Roadie


"POSTAL WORKER? I CAN DO EM"


21 - FOR GOD'S SAKE JUST QUIT YOUR FLAG MAKING JOB AND WORK FOR THE POST OFFICE, YOUR SHIT WASN'T REALLY THAT GOOD TO BEGIN WITH, JOEL


Space mailbox is here to eat your postcards and... uh... paper airplane, as a hula hoop drools ramen. The middle postcard is upside-down, while the "POSTAL WORKER" text somehow survives and orients itself correctly. That's some bonus round shit of fucking up.


22 - The Twin Towers Appear Slightly Taller Than I Recall


Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the Twin Towers from the evil alien invaders? High score so far is 9,112,001.


23 - Paws to Check Out This Abomination


I DROPPED MY DACHSHUND FROM A BELL AH-1G COBRA CHOPPER SOMEWHERE IN THE AREA OF FREE DOG VECTOR ART PLAINS.


24 -ALL GAVE SOME TO ALL SOME


I cannot discern whether I'm looking at camouflage or the illuminated interior of a pickle's asshole. It must be the pickle, because I wouldn't be able to see the camouflage due to its inherent viewable properties. Much like this flag, I, too am a female veteran; did three tours and survived.


25 - Actually No, The Dog Does Not Like It When You Do That


Somebody needs to tattoo another flag on his tongue, I don't see why his internal organs need not suffer the same fate as his coat. And why is that dog not licking America? IS HE A TRAITOR? IS HE A HOMOSEXUAL MUSLIM? IS HE A PORTLAND RESIDENT?!?


26 - Put the Police In Jail, Where They Belong


Looks like finally stumbled into common sense and began to place police officers into jail cells, where they rightly belong. Or their badges at least. Also apparently the police jail bars have a set of metal handcuffed to them by their chain links(?). That's up there near the least effective ways to ever handcuff anybody anywhere. Might as well hurl the handcuffs directly at their head.


27 - That Scene From "The Godfather," Except Instead With a Cow's Head


I just realized that, holy shit, I actually want to buy this.


28 - Dog Cowboy Bandit Smells America


I truly appreciate the interior border of this flag, as it insinuates somebody, perhaps repeatedly, attempted to set it on fire. Perhaps the guy working in quality control, his American brother walked in and saw this rectangle of incoherence being printed and he's screaming "TURN OFF THE PRESS ZHANG WEI, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Then they sold it anyway.


29 - We're Hiding Bales of Weed Inside American Flags, Do Not Declare Them In Customs


Those are, of course, the three most famous strains of marijuana: indica, sativa, and... uh sperm.


30 - Science Finally Classified As "Real"


Let me try to read the bottom. Here we go. "BLACK? NO LIVES! HUMAN MATTER IS ILLEGAL!" A dire warning printed on a reel of film. The war on Christmas was a resounding success!


31 - A Basic Child Could Do Better Than This


Welcome to the United States of Guns and Snakes. If you are a rapper, please considering beginning a song with those lyrics. Rotate-A-Snake is pointing due north, in order to aid the weary travelers searching for home. Wait, maybe the white things are really long bones? The land of Rotate Snakes and Bones?!?


32 - The House of the Kid You Do Not Want to Be Friends With In Grade School


Oh wow, I just totally caught this major plot hole in my theory; if the flag is being hung where it is designed for, then it would be outside the front door. Now they're asking for the people who are offended to enter, which is good and cool. No hold on, that's a paradox because then the place wouldn't be doing that Santa's list of 1960's white chunkhead nuclear family home dickshit. I don't fucken know. All I know is where's the door.


33 - You Got Cross All Over My America


The primary reason I included this flag was because, upon first glance, I swore it said "I STAND FOR THE HAG," and I was all like PURCHASE PURCHASE PURCHASE PURCHASE. But now I hate it. Fuck this terrible flag.


34 - The Ol' "Assault Rifle In the Vagina" Trick


Until today, I possessed absolutely zero knowledge of a female veteran, so I proceeded to read this handy FAQ before posting. According to the Great Flag In the Sky, they're a lot of shit that I stopped reading on like word three or less. Note that one of their primary descriptors reads that they "WROTE A BLANK CHECK MADE PAYAPLE." Payaple? Pay Apple? Paypal? Answers please, ladies.


35 - The United Snakes of Snakes


I AM PISS SNAKE SAUSAGE CREATURE


36 - No, Joel, No That's Not Right


PROS:

  • The thirteen original colonies have been replaced with several thousand new ones.
  • Could possibly be a large barcode.
CONS:
  • America incorrectly identified as being founded in the year 197,619,761,976 AD.


37 - Where's The Ring?!?


Frankenflag, the result of several hundred drunk people launching stars and stripes from paintball cannons into the side of an abandoned Men's Wearhouse. But what's that noise? SURPRISE! It's a press conference.


38 - Betsy Ross Has Man Hands


CAN WE SEE WHAT'S BEHIND THE CURTAINS ON NUMBER ONE? OH LOOK, IT'S A STATE CONTAINING A LOT OF THINGS THAT ARE NOT GOOD.


39 - This is For Welders, I Swear to God It's Seriously For Welders


I don't know.


40 - Viva the Christopher Walken Trio


Back in '78 I saw Walken Trio live and got autographs from Blood, Sweat, and Tears, it fucken ruled. That's when I got herpes from a psychic's card table.


41 - Rotate Those I-Blocks If You Want to Beat Tetris You Idiot


Without rotating your head 90 degrees, this flag resembles a couple of cigarettes puking oil into the mouth of the American flag. I guess that could be a metaphor for something, possibly Epstein-related.


42 - This Product Lacks Any Possible Purpose, Both Professionally and Recreationally


Fuck you.


43 - Vaginal State


Alternate title: "Somebody Shot This Man In the Sternum With a Weapon That Fires Out Texases."


44 - Trippin Balls With My Dog


This house will give out the absolute greatest candy for Halloween.


45 - HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA


AAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAA


46 - Why Are You Doing This To Us, Bigfoot


Motherfucker Bigfoot think he the shit cause he can walk on the tops of trees and easily escape with our American flag. And oh here's the ol' Union Jack and, naturally, the French flag because of course there is and why wouldn't there be these things here.


47 - Algorithms Were Forced at Gunpoint to Create Another Flag


Ah yes, the world famous Puerto Rican police force. Absolute fucken no way even people in Puerto Rico fly this rancid garbage mess. They'd probably use it for humanitarian aid, and eat it.


48 - Your Dog's Ass Just Exploded On My Flag


The capitol of France is Hawaii, it's true, I saw it on the UK flag.


49 - The Technicians Will Arrive Soon to Examine the Myriad of Problems With Our New Printer


"Yes, we're the house with the Polynesian steampunk French UK flag. No, it's exactly what we wanted and ordered and came out just as we expected. It's signifies the strong relationship between... the uh... I mean..." (trails off)


50 - "How Can We Possibly Fuck This Up More?"


Big props to the flag's designer, the CEO's two-year old daughter, for, um, combining things with arbitrarily different things. Happy Spumoni Day, everybody.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)

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