#86/68 IN

The Oval Office, Washington, D.C.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Greetings #86/68.  Have you ever seen this man, the general, or myself?

Yes sir, on numerous occasions!

Well forget you have, because we're about to send you on a secret mission, one unlike any other we've ever sent you on.

Sir, I'm afraid I don't follow you.  Why all the secrecy?

One of our own has gone bad, #86/68.  And you're the only man qualified to take him out.

Gone bad, sir?

Following the presidential elections and his subsequent defeat, Ralph Nader went mad.  He began acting irrational.  We tried desperately to bring him back, but he was too far gone to save. 

He disappeared out of the public light, but we've been keeping tabs on him.  He's resurfaced again…

He's deep in the heart of Appalachia.  Worse, he's out there playing god amongst the natives.

You must understand, #86/68, that if word of any of this ever got out, it would destroy people's faith in Democracy.  Ralph Nader was a famous American, but he's not acting as an American anymore.  I don't enjoy giving you this mission, but I believe you of all people will understand most…

I understand! You want me to bring him in.  HUT HUT HUT!  I can do that!

He must be stopped at all cost.  He won't let you bring him in alive. You're going to have to tackle him hard.

Tackle him… with extreme prejudice.

#86/68 arrives at Ralph Nader's compound, cleverly disguised as a campaign headquarters!

It's all right!  It's all been approved!  Come on in, #86/68!

Who are you and why are you all bug-eyed like a hippy, son?

My name is Thom Yorke and I'm a musician!

You're pushing it son!  Where's Nader?

Someone like you could do a lot of good!  With your reputation of excellence and good deeds, you could really provide a voice for the people of this region!  They've dealt with horrible poverty!  Then after that, you could be a voice against corporate abuse and for debt relief!

You just pushed it too far, kid!




Now to deal with Nader!

Hello #86/68!  It's nice of you to stop by my campaign headquarters! Are you here to provide me with your endorsement?

Not even close, Nader!

I see... Then you're here because they sent you.

That's right.  I'm here to put an end to this madness.

Madness?  Madness?  Madness is a two party system that gives the choice between the same two shades of gray with different names!  Americans are ready for a Green Party president!  I'm going to prove it!

You've gone mad! I have no choice but to take you down!

You don't have to be their errand boy, #86/68!  You know right and wrong better than anyone!

I know madness when I see it.

Maybe you're right.  Maybe I'm too old for this.  Yes... Yes!  You!  You!  You will be the one!  I'm too old for this, but you... YOU!  You can do this!  You can go all the way and you can be the president!  The first Green Party president!

The only green I'll run for is Astroturf! I'm sorry for what I have to do, but it is necessary! HUT HUT HUT!

Don't kill me now!  I've made progress! These people, they believe in me!  And they believe in you, too!

It ends here!




It ends here...

Later that week, #86/68 has a talk with the Coach

#86/68, son, you did the right thing.  The two parties provide enough choice for all Americans.  From what you describe, the only thing he was offering was a lot of malarkey anyway.  

But what could have driven him to such madness?

Well, I don't think Nader was all there to begin with.  Otherwise he wouldn't have run under that crazy Green Party in the first place.  He probably gave 110%, like you always do.  Unlike you, he failed.  When a fellow invests a lot into something and fails, it has a way of tormenting him.  If you're a weaker man, that is. The bottom line is that democracy didn't fail him, he failed democracy.

You're right, Coach! Now how's about we discuss strategy for the big game tonight?

Now that's what I wanted to hear!





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