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11.09.2000: Jed - HL TFC: "DMcross"
You really shouldn't look at this screenshot unless you're wearing some sort of welding mask or don't mind gouging your eyes out in advance.


Reviewed By: Jed
Game Mode Supported:
Team Fortress, supposedly.
Overuse of Colored Lighting: Yes.
Spelling Errors in Text File: Text file is MIA.
Pain Level:
Flossing with razor wire.

Download Here (51k)

AT A GLANCE: Another horrible, vaguely Team Fortress-related offering from the guy that brought us "Co-op". "DMcross" represents a huge victory for terrible mapping, bad taste, and registered sex offenders all across the globe!

Wow, I never knew brush misalignments could be so oddly arousing!

DESCRIPTION: Just like in SilverPhoenix's previous masterpiece, there's no text file to be found. Chances are there's some info on the map buried somewhere in the guy's listing at Mapfinger but I for one don't feel like digging through 10 pages of his indecipherable scrawlings to find it. If you absolutely must get the full scoop on "DMcross" then by all means head on over to SilverPhoenix's awful Mapfinger column and have a look for yourself. Keep in mind, however, that you may experience a slight headache depending on just how fast your brain liquefies.

THE MAP: "DMcross" is a fun-filled fiesta of small identical rooms, sexy purple hallways, and ramps that take you to new and exciting places like "empty room #3" and "a few feet above the floor of empty room #3". So basically, it's like every other Team Fortress map out there except for the notable inclusion of what has to be the most god-awful display of seizure-inducing colored lighting I've seen since... well, since this guy's last shitty map. This isn't just your everyday, garden variety awful lighting here, folks. It's the kind that can permanently fuse your sunglasses to your skull if you're not careful. The incredible talent for destroying human retinas that SilverPhoenix displays here isn't something one simply acquires over a period of time, it's something that certain people are just born with, much like dyslexia or cerebral palsy, both of which SilverPhoenix also appears to have in spades.

"DMcross": Yet another potentially good Half-Life map ruined by faulty wiring.

GAMEPLAY: Well, it's like a Team Fortress map, except without a few of the bells and whistles like "fortresses", "item placement", and "anything that won't completely scorch your rods and cones in a matter of seconds". Oh yeah, there's also a shitload of tiny brush misalignments waiting to rip you asunder, as is usually the case when complicated structures like "boxes" and "boxes with ramps in them" come into play.

FUN FACTOR: It ain't fun, just like most of the other maps I've played that were created for the sole purpose of fulfilling some 12 year old freak's bizarre colored lighting molestation fantasy.

THE BOTTOM LINE: I would rather go through a few hundred hours of painful childbirth than play this map again.

- Jed

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 7
Gameplay: - 9
Item placement: - 10
Layout: - 6
Detail: - 9
TOTAL: - 41

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).

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