City of Glompton

*furiously polishing roast chicken with a shamwow* Ok kids, get to the table, dinner will be ready in a minute!

DOPE FIEND KILLA G

*carefully dusting the powder sugar off the donut w/ a feather duster for 2 hours before eating*

Starman Super DX

the management now looked on in aghast horror, fully realizing now that the extra wet wipes I had asked for to go with my wings were not for the end of the meal, but rather the beginning

City of Glompton

a detailing vac is a must-have tool for every aspiring cook, allowing you to reach the nooks and crannies of hard-to-clean foods like english muffins

Putty

Even our son can practice clean eating now that we've attached his bottle to the center of a mop head

Gone Fashing

pine sol started appearing in a lot more dishes once they targeted the younger crowd by releasing the avocado scent

bacalou

If you think about it all of the food from Hook the motion picture was germ free bc it was imaginary


City of Glompton

find a farmer who uses a roomba in their field and half the prep work is done for you

Splatmaster

Deleted text from Better Crocker's original recipe book:

Use Q-tips to clean your ears of corn after you shuck them

The word "shuck" was considered too dirty for the time.

Putty

How can I perform a herbal cleanse if the herbs are not clean themselves???

City of Glompton

very disappointed with Costcos polish sausage.

Splatmaster

We find ourselves in a surgically clean operating room, a staff of nurses surround the doctor- all are fully dressed in sterile scrubs. The doctor is sweating profusely, a nurse pats his face with a clean, dry cloth

"Ok, I'm ready" the doctor says. A 2-foot wide round silver tray with a dome shaped cover is revealed when a sterile green sheet is removed. When the domed lid is taken off, a freshly prepared grilled cheese sandwich is there for all to see.

"Lunch time! The doctor announced in a voice muffled by his mask. Everyone else plunked down their germ free lunch containers onto the operating table, fresh out of the autoclave

Eugene V. Dabs

a really crowd-pleasing dish:

4 tbsp. chile powder
1 tbsp. garlic powder
1 tsp. pepper
1/2 tsp. salt
1 large sprig dill, broken
1 gallon kirkland brand dishwashing detergent (NOT dishwasher, V IMPORTANT)
1 whole salmon, head, tails and fin removed, skin on, gutted

blend all dry ingredients gently, then season salmon inside and out, and place dill inside. place in instant pot on saute for 2 minutes each side, just to firm up fish and provide a fond. add entire gallon of kirkland brand dishwashing detergent, switch to low pressure (make sure your steam release is closed!!!!!), and set timer for 3 hours.

walk away, and in 3 hours, you get a delicious, crowd pleasing, HEALTHY and MOST IMPORTANTLY--VERY CLEAN--dish for your family.

City of Glompton

I was excited when Lays accepted my submission for Clorox Lemon Wipes chips, but when they insisted on using artificial flavor...I told them they might as well stop pretending they understand clean eating and do a Febreze flavor chip instead.

LvK

The doctor said I needed more greens in my diet so I've been chowing down on scouring pads on my lunch breaks

Majuju

my hated nemesis has begun scattering the candylike laundry pods in my known haunts. they realize i am nearly powerless against detergent which looks far too much like candy. please, if anyone has a tip, help me.

– David "g0m" Dolan (@g0m)

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2017 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.