Remember "HELLO THIS IS I R S"? That was me. How about "I'm calling from the Windows 10 Technical Team. Your computer has a virus. Would you like me to walk you through how to fix it, now?" Also me.
People ask me if it's difficult to do so many different accents, but that's easy. The difficult part is dialing all the numbers.
I remember one time a potential customer referred to me as a "robot". First week on the job. I was a nervous wreck, sweating to the point where I kept a fan closer to me than I did the phone. It became my trademark, I became a robot
I spent over six months living with a real Nigerian prince to learn the details of how he spoke.
Dads Dip Cup
"I'm calling from the Windows 10 Technical Team. Your computer has a virus. Would you like me to walk you through how to fix it, now? *pause*
Haha, Windows 10 is the virus, yes, very funny sir" *hand twitches as fingers hover over the soundboard in between "foghorn fart noise" and "cats screeching in aluminum garbage can" buttons]
Young people come up to me all the time and ask how they can break into the spam game, but when I give them a list of the classes I took a Juilliard, all of a sudden they decide they want to do something else with their lives.
"Hi, Grandpa, happy birthday!"
"... HELLO. Thank you ... TOMMY ... for your warm wishes."
Car Salesman: So, do you want to buy this here 2016 Honda Civic or the 2017 Mazda 6?
Me: Hmmm. This is a tough decision. Please hold while I talk to my supervisor.
Me (talking in normal voice): Hello, I would like a Bud Light.
Guys at the bar: It's the spam guy, let's get him!
Me (indian accent): Actually, make it a Kingfisher.
Guys at the bar: ....where did he go??
Dads Dip Cup
ahhh, my first day on the job *puts on headset as number is dialed*
me : *reading from teleprompter* "hello this is [name] from the [brand] company and I would like to"
me : "....huh?"
: "name from the brand company?" *click*
me : *looking at teleprompter again* oh now I get it, I used to love these. let's see... name... brand... *scribbles on note paper*
*dialing next number*
me : "hello this is BRUCE WAYNE from the 100% CRUNK JUICE company and I would like t" *click* "hello? sir, hello?"
"Hello sir mr Daniel, I am a wealthy Nigerian prince."
"Sir today I have an amazing opportunity for you. My cousin was recently deposed from being the vice-president of Nigeria and has left to me his entire fortune of one trillion CS:GO skins and I need to transfer them out of the country. If you give me your steam account details you can take half."
"That sounds like a deal!"
2 days later
"No, this can't be! These aren't CS:GO skins, this is half a trillion Magic:Duels cards! Nooooo!!"
Dads Dip Cup
Dear Sir or Madam, this is Mr. Oliver Closeoff and I respectfully request that you and/or the company you represent cease contacting bars and other establishments asking if anyone has seen me
*I get down on one knee*
Janet, will you marry me. And also consider changing your insurance to GFE, they have the lowest deductibles in the country and the sign up process is a snap. Do you mind if this conversation is recorded for training and quality control purposes?
Director: Ok, now in this scene, you're really concerned that there's something wrong with a credit card account belonging to the person you're calling, and you can't fix it without the card number. And the security code, the billing address, so on and so on, you know the drill. Anytime.
Me: (reading from script) "Hello, I'm calling in regards to your Visa account. We've noticed that..." Wait, what's my motivation here? I don't understand the character.
Director: You're a guy who wants to commit identity theft.
Me: But why? What made me this way? Childhood trauma? A woman who broke my heart? What's my backstory? What drives me?
Director: Look, you don't need a backstory, just read the damn--
Me: I can't work in these conditions. I'll be in my trailer. Come and get me when you've found some real writers.
City of Glompton
I'm sorry, I'm not sure I can work with this script. What's my motivation? I'm finding it difficult to believe that I am supposed to be proactive tech support. That just doesn't ring true with my experience.
Me: Hello Mr. Whitmore, my name is David calling from Prudential Insurance about your coverage plan. May I have a few minutes of your time?
Me: I'll just need your credit card number to verify your identity.
Guy: Ok, but-- actually I recently switched to Liberty Mutual. They've got a much lower premium and my deductible is less than half what it was with Prudential.
Me: ...really? Wow, that sounds like a pretty good deal.
Guy: Yeah, a friend of mine is an agent there and he got me some great prices with coverage that I didn't even consider when I was younger. Say, I could sign you up if you're interested. I'm meeting him later today. Just gimme your credit card number and we can get started.
Me: Yeah... yeah! That sounds good! Ok, my card number is.....
*2 hours later, during coffee break*
Me: .... ....shit.
Dads Dip Cup
one thing I have learned as a freelance refridgerator repairman actively seeking work is that people can be downright rude over the phone for no good reason, I don't envy you folks one bit
After years of being misunderstood, I had hoped we finally had "our" story. I was wrong.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.