Mass shootings. Climate chaos. Dysfunctional government. Racial tension. Something along the lines of a super volcano.

This series of words makes me very concerned about the future of my comfortable suburban life. I do not own enough property to dig a hole big enough for me to bury a bus, so I am doing what I can to prepare for the coming crisis. Preparing a "bug out bag" you can grab and go at a moment's notice has given me some hope for the future. When the government collapses into the super volcano's caldera, I will be ready to grab my things and go.

  • Minions Play Tent - Tent goes up in seconds and collapses easily for transport. The durable tent poles can be used to strengthn my heavy pack or as a splint in an emergency.
  • Minions Fart Blaster - Emits loud sounds of flatulence which could be used to dissuade attackers or startle wild animals.
  • Minions Baseball Cap - Excellent sun protection. Fitted for comfortable trail wear.
  • Lifesize Minions Plush - Can be used as a fixed sentry for camping. Discourage pests including birds and rats. Low density construction allows him to be compressed for transport. Doubles as a pillow.
  • Minions Goggles - Oversize goggles confuse the shape of the face and make it difficult for attackers to hit vital spots. Work to keep rain out of the eyes.
  • Minions Fluffy Slippers - Excellent thermal protection in dry conditions. Can double as a pillow when bivouacked.
  • 3 Pounds of Minions Candy Mix - High energy trail food comes in the shape of my favorite Minion characters. Gummies, lolipops, and tart characters. Labeled as "Pinata Filler" but great for filling a hungry survivalist.
  • 2 X .5 liter Minions water bottles - BPA free bottles allow me to easily transport up to 1 liter of water. Can be supplemented with my Minions Camelbak or as much water as I can hold in my mouth.
  • Minions Watch - Reliable timepiece can be used to navigate, track the tide, or simply know the time of day.
  • Minions Flashlight - If usage is kept to a minimum, a flashlight can be an indispensable survivalist tool in dangerous areas. It can startle enemies if shined directly into the eyes, signal friends over long distances, and bring light to a dying world.
  • Minions Antibacterial Bandages - Adhesive bandages are useful for covering or closing small wounds. For anything bigger, use needle and a thread.
  • Minions Mineez Collectors Tin - Can transport up to 100 Minions Mineez in a water-tight case. Tin construction might stop shrapnel or pellets from an air gun.
  • Unknown Minions Item - It might be a soap dispenser. I put it in there because it was laying around the house. Possibly a trade item I can use to get more Minions swag from a cannibal tribe.
  • (Not Pictured) 60 feet of Minions Nerds Rope used to bind equipment and as a belt in my Minions pants. This strong, dual-purpose rope cannot support even a small child's body weight but it can support my life with supplementary energy.

The key to assembling your bug out bag is effectively managing the space in your pack and the weight you will be transporting over long distances. I could have packed pounds of nuts or water purification straws, but instead I boiled it down to high-energy Minions candy and Minions water bottles. Trim things down to the absolute essentials and then maybe you will have space to add a few indulgences like the Minions Slippers or the Unknown Minions Items.

Whatever is coming, we will survive, and we will get through it. I will see you on the other side. Let's build a better world together.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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