Look, Quadrilateral Cowboy is fantastic. It's stylish, challenging, charming, and at least two or three other positive adjectives. I enjoyed every minute. But I can't believe all the big shot video game reviewers failed to mention how inaccurate the game is. What are these people even getting paid for?
In Quadrilateral Cowboy: My body is a box.
In reality: My body is a roughly human-shaped source of shame.
In Quadrilateral Cowboy: I am able to do hacking with computers.
In reality: I can't find Hacking.exe on my PC. Seriously, I looked everywhere. I even checked the button next to "Show hidden files".
In Quadrilateral Cowboy: It's a trippy alternate version of the 1980s with hoverbikes and cats working the cash registers at local shops.
In reality: It's the post-apocalypse.
Using A Computer To Solve Problems
In Quadrilateral Cowboy: I can pretty much do anything. Bypass locked doors, disable security cameras, pull off amazing heists, make a little robot do jumps. It's great.
In reality: The computer gives me horrible news every day. Just the most miserable news possible. I try to escape in computer games, only to realize life has passed me by.
In Quadrilateral Cowboy: I hang out with cool friends all the time. They read interesting books.
In reality: I have driven away all who I once held dear.
In Quadrilateral Cowboy: On multiple occasions I step away from the computer and go outside.
In reality: Does that virtual reality sightseeing part of Valve's Lab thing count?
In Quadrilateral Cowboy: I'm able to nimbly climb up onto ledges that are higher than my knees.
In reality: As long as the top of an elevated surface is at or below my chest I am able to sort of fall forward and wiggle around until I'm on it, crying the entire time.
Every bit as fun to play as it is to say the game's name out loud, which I go out of my way to do, often. 9/10
No Man's Sky
Read our procedurally generated review here. FIVE STARS OUT OF FIVE3
The most fun I've had with virtual fish since the time I was pretty sure that I had played Seaman but then thought about it and realized I was mistaken. 8/10
I Am Setsuna
I Am Generally Impressed But Also Wondering If The Devs Just Got Carried Away When They Found Out There Was A Sale On Snow Textures Or What. 7/10
This game ruined my childhood, which began the moment I started playing and ended when I stopped. 1/10
Picture the music video for Michael Jackson's Bad, but on Mars, in a basement. 7/10
Monster Hunter Generations
I resent these quality titles for occasionally making me search for the above 3DS image tag that I haven't used in months. 8/10
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
To celebrate this week's announcement of Mega Man 11 - the first Mega Man game since Mega Man 6 on the NES - let's remember all the terrific bosses we've faced in this beloved series!
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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