Inside the Oval Office, the epicenter of
freedom in the known world...
Mr. President, you wanted to see me?
You're darn right I did! I want you to meet
my new teen sidekick, The Inaugural Kid!
Teen sidekick!?
Sure am! I'm democratizing up a storm with
the President!
He's quite a handful as you can see! Me
and the Inaugural Kid are going to be a
crime fighting duo when we aren't running
the country. We're gonna take back America's
streets once and for all! But first me and
the Kid are gonna go for a balloon ride!
Just thought I'd let you know in case you
need me, #86/68!
What about us, sir? Aren't we a crime fighting
duo?
With playoff season coming up, you had better
focus on the bigger picture of winning the
Super Bowl! Leave the adventuring to me
and my sidekick. Besides, don't you have
an evil doppelganger to take care of?
Well, funny story about that, sir!
I love funny stories, but it will have to
wait until later!
Don't worry, Mr. #86/68, we'll keep the
world safe. You just concentrate on scoring
in your game!
HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HIKE! Now listen
here, young man, the world--
It's okay, #86/68. He's well qualified.
You better get back to practice! Me and
the Kid have a balloon ride to go on!
Moments later The President and the Inaugural
Kid are enjoying a balloon ride!
This sure is fun, Mr. President! It sure
is, Kid!
Watching from the White House lawn...
Oh no! Now that the President has The Inaugural
Kid, what's to become of me?
ACT II
On board a stolen freighter
somewhere in the Pacific!
You thugs are about to learn the true nature
of "The War on Drugs!"
The Inaugural Kid is ready
to deliver the straight dope to these drug
dealing terrorists!
You think you can smuggle drugs into the
United States of America? Well think again!
The drug smugglers aren't
going down without a fight!
Ja? You gringos think you can stop us? Just
try it!
The Presidential Duo are fighting
the drug dealers!
Thunk! Kaplow! Biff! Swooooop!
We're unstoppable! These creeps don't stand
a chance! I feel so powerful!
Don't get too cocky, kid! Here comes some
more of them!
The heroes don't back down
from any challenge!
Plunk! Swam! Ka-Lee! Pow-Iacocca!
Woohoo! We're the strongest and the best!
Sure, Kid, sure! We saved a lot of lives
today by stopping these drugs.
Some people just can't handle drugs. Not
like you or me. We can handle anything!
You've got a can-do attitude, but caution
is a virtue one cannot live without, my
faithful ward! Now to alert the authorities
to come clean up all these drugs. We can't
let them fall into the wrong hands.
The President is right! Those
crates full of drugs need to be disposed
of properly!
But perhaps The Inaugural
Kid has his other ideas?
Heh...
What's this? Is #86/68 spying
on our two heroes?
Oh no, Kid!
INTERMISSION
GET OFF MY DESK!
ACT III
The next day the President
patently waits for The Inaugural Kid to
report for duty in the Oval Office!
Kid, where have you been? You were supposed
to be here hours ago!
Jesus Christ! Relax, old man! I overslept,
okay?
If you ever blasphemy in the Oval Office
again, I will you have your hide! Now let's
get to work! We've got to thwart some narcoterrorists
smuggling cocaine into America and then
go out for ice cream with William F. Buckley!
Sounds like my kind of mission. Let's just
say I have a sweet tooth.
Hours later the Presidential
Powerhouse is cracking skulls in a rundown
warehouse!
Let's play this one by the book! We don't
want to take any chances with these creeps!
This isn't a library, Mr. President! This
is a beatdown! I feel like I could beat
up a thousand drug dealers and then a thousand
more!
Bam! Whack-smear! Thud! Bang-Wilhelm-Stock-Sound-Effect!
That's the spirit kid, but don't burn yourself
out!
Me? I'm unstoppable! Let's smash these fiends!
It's the Kid and the President! Let's get
out of here!
They're retreating! Wait a minute, there's
their leader!
It's Roger Troutman! And he's
incredibly tall from taking PCP!
I'll put the zapp on you meddling buffoons!
You can't stop these drugs from hittin'
the streets!
I'll take Troutman, Kid! You go stop his
thugs before they escape onto the streets!
We'll meet at the ice cream parlor in one
hour!
You got it, Mr. President! I'll see how
high they can get on concrete!
With The Inaugural Kid chasing
after the drug dealers, the President sizes
up the kingpin!
It's on, Troutman!
It's on fire is what it is! I'm gonna burn
you down!
The President is fighting
Roger Troutman!
Zapp! Thunk! Plunk! Wham-pow!
The Leader of the Free World
easily claims victory over the fallen musician-turned-drug
dealer.
Now to meet up with the Kid for some ice
cream!
One hour later, at the ice
cream parlor.
Is something wrong? You've hardly touched
your cone, Mr. President.
Where on earth is the Inaugural Kid? I'm
getting worried!
That's the youth for you, always ablaze
with curiosity and excitement.
ACT IV
In the brutal streets of Washington,
D.C. the Inaugural Kid dishes out a different
kind of justice!
All right you pieces of crap, prepare for
justice! There's a new kid in town!
The gangs are looking for
a fight!
Bring it, punk! We'll mess you up!
It's a brawl for the record books as The
Inaugural Kid wages a war on the streets
against the forces of crime!
Thwack! Slam! Thunk! Kerblammo!
Oh no! One of the gang members
has a legally licensed firearm!
I'm going to shoot you! Bang!
The kid takes a hit!
Ouch! How did things ever get this far?
What's this? A real hero arrives
on the scene!
Kid! Kid are you okay! What have you gotten
yourself into?
-#86/68 is fighting the shooter!
Splat-thoom! Ker-crack!
Heh... I should have known you'd show up.
You always were the real deal.
We've gotta get you to a hospital! HUT HUT
HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT
HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HELP!
I guess you can't stop death. 110% doesn't
work against nothing.
Oh, Kid, how could you? How could you get
yourself into this mess?
"You wouldn't
understand. It comes so easy for you. You
just go out there and do it. For me it was
harder, and the temptations were stronger.
Once I had a taste I couldn't stop. The
drugs had a hold on me. They were as much
a part of me as I was of them."
Oh, Kid, anyone can stop! you just have
to put the HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT
HUT BREAKS ON! Tackle your addiction into
the ground!
"It was different though.
It was a new world far beyond this one.
I could hear a voice calling out from beyond
reality's thin veil and I wanted to answer
it. I wanted to take the hand of that ultrasonic
voice and feel its vibrations!"
#86/68 is quick to apply reason
to the situation!
I hear a voice just like that. Her name
is Democracy and she's the sweetest lady
I've ever met. All day long she sings me
songs about HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT APPLE PIE
AND BASEBALL! FOOTBALL!! I MEANT FOOTBALL!
HUT HUT hut huh...
I guess it was sort of like
how you tasted success and couldn't get
enough. I can already feel the end. You
shouldn't cry for me. I see now how foolish
I was. How I couldn't even give 100%.
C'mon kid, don't be silly! You've still
got life in you, so you've still got fight
in you! It's not too late to shape up and
hop aboard that wonderful train that rides
upon the straight and narrow! HUT HUT HUT
HUT AND JESUS IS THE CONDUCTOR! ALL ABOARD
HIKE!
It is not for me... you wouldn't understand.
Don't cry for me, don't feel sorry for me.
I can see the best has yet to come for me.
I'll be at peace... so peaceful...
No! Kid! Come back! Come back!
Later a demoralized #86/68
arrives at the ice cream parlor.
Mr. President, Mr. Buckley, I'm afraid I
have some bad news.
What is it?
The Inaugural Kid is dead. I tried to save
him, but I was too late.
How? But how did he die!?
#86/68 is in a tough spot,
seeing how important The Inaugural Kid was
to the President and knowing how much the
Kid let the President down!
He... He died saving my life. I was in trouble
and he came to my aid, like a true blue
American hero.
That sounds just like him. He was like that.
He was a true blue American hero! *sniff*
If you're not going to finish that ice cream
cone, Mr. President, I would be happy to
take it off your hands.
EPILOGUE
Somewhere peaceful, blanketed
by a gentle rain storm and an American flag.
We gather here today to bid farewell to
The Inaugural Kid. He was like the flame
of youth, burning so bright, yet extinguished
so soon...
"I just don't know if
I can do it anymore, #86/68. Looking at
that coffin and knowing I put the nail in
it..."
Don't beat yourself up too hard, Mr. President.
But it's my fault, #86/68. It's all my fault!
He was a good soldier in a greater war.
He knew the risks involved. HUT HUT HUT
HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HIKE!!
Excuse me?
Sorry, father. Lost myself there!
He knew, #86/68, but did he understand?
Do any of us understand? HUT HUT HUT HUT
HUT HUT HIKE! Life isn't fair, but democracy
is. All we can do is strive to bring democracy
to life.
I hope it's all worth it. I hope it's all
worth it in the end.
Ashes to ash, dust to dust...
THE END
