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#86/68 in
NEVER BE STILL, FOR LIFE IS A GAME
ACT I
Our Nation's Capitol, Washington, D.C.
 
Welcome to the Oval Office, #86/68!
It's America's tackling tornado, that whirlwind of
patriotism on and off the field!
Thank you, Mr. President! Might I add, HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT
HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT
HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT, that's a dandy still
life arrangement you've got there!
Thank you, #86/68! I don't know quite where it came from,
but it certainly brightens the room!
Yes sir, Mr. President!
It really is some fine still life. Anyway, are you all set
to go trick or treating?
HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT
HUT TRICK OR TREAT HIKE!!!!!
Great, let's go get some candy!
Moments later the President of the United States and
star football player #86/68 are trick or treating! In
fact, they have just rung the doorbell of their first
house!
TRICK OR TREAT!
Good grief, this must be Henry Kissinger's house!
WHAT? WHAT DO YOU KIDS WANT FROM ME! I'M A BUSY MAN, CAN'T
YOU SEE?
Just some candy, Mr. Kissinger! It's Halloween!
Bah! Candy is much too important a commodity to be left in
the hands of children! Now go away!
Kissinger slams the door on our trick-or-treating
heroes!
Damn! This is not going well at all!
I know it, HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT! The clock is running
out and our bags our empty! We need a good play to get us
back on top, HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HIKE!!
I guess all we can do is keep trying.
Say, Mr. President, how come you brought that table of
still life with you?
Great Lincoln's ghost! I thought you brought it along! How
on earth did it follow us here?
I don't know, but I don't like this!
Me neither. I smell a large trouble sandwich with all the
fixings! Quickly, #86/68, we must get to CIA headquarters!
ACT II
The President of the United States and America's
favorite football all-star arrive at CIA headquarters in
mere minutes!
Gentlemen, we've got a problem! We're dealing with some
still life that can't stand still!
It's gaining yards like an offense with unstoppable
momentum! HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT STILL LIFE!!
So where is this still life now, Mr. President?
The President is taken off guard!
It's… WELL IT WAS HERE A MINUTE AGO!
HUT HUT HUT FUMBLED! Slipped through our fingers like a
buttered football!
I see, Mr. President. How has work been? Are you under a
lot of stress?
Henry Kissinger wouldn't give us any candy! HUT HUT HUT
HUT HUT HALLOWEEN HEARTACHE!
No, #86/68, that's not what he was asking. He doesn't
believe us.
I'll tell you what, you bring me that still life and I'll
have a look on it. Until then, maybe you should take it
easy and relax.
Outside of CIA headquarters, our heroes discuss their
plan of action.
I don't know if it's safe for me to return to the White
House! That still life could be waiting for me back in the
Oval Office!
Don't worry, Mr. President, I've got your back! I'll stay
the night with you.
Well, I appreciate it. With you on hand, that still life
won't stay lively for long!
HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT NO SIR! TOP BUNK!!!
Damn!
ACT III
After saying his nightly prayers, the President
prepares to join #86/68 in the Oval Office bunk bed!
No sign of that dreadful still life anywhere in the White
House. I think we can rest easy, #86/68!
I'll sleep with one eye open just in case! HUT HUT HUT HUT
HUT HUT BEDTIME HIKE!
Goodnight, Mr. President! Sweet dreams, #86/68!
Hours later, a terrible rumbling is heard! Our heroes
are awakened!
It's the still life! It's back! And it's got a knife!
The President is right - THAT STILL LIFE ARRANGEMENT IS
ARMED!
Your days are numbered, still life! I'M GOING TO PAINT
YOUR DOOM ALL OVER MY ASTROTURF CANVAS!!!!
OH NO, THE STILL LIFE IS FLEEING!
DON'T LET THAT STILL LIFE ARRANGEMENT GET AWAY, #86/68!
Don't worry, Mr. President! It won't get far!
ACT IV
#86/68 chases the mysterious still life arrangement to
Munich, Germany, cornering it in an alley!
You've made it far, still life, but the game is over!
Hah! But the game has only begun, my hard tackling,
football grappling all-star patriot friend! My Nazi
smiting, wrong righting champion of justice! My gregarious
man of touchdowns, my white Anglo-Saxon, muscle taxin'
vision of perfection!
You're even fruiter than you look, HUT HUT HUT HUT HIKE!
WAIT A MINUTE, I RECOGNIZE THAT VOICE!
THE STILL LIFE REVEALS ITSELF!
That's right, #86/68! My logic deducting, always cognizant
hero! Only in America could a man as powerful and wise as
you be bred!
Cut the flattery, you punk! Why?! Why would you try to
kill the President?
That's where you're wrong, my helmet wearing,
hamstring-tearing friend! It was you I was after! Don King
represents champions, and you are a champion. But you
refuse to let me represent you! I have no choice but to
vindicate my good name by eradicating yours! I may not
represent you, but I represent a dynamical duo of
conflagrant champions sure to give you a monumental
struggle!
Cut the horseplay, King! You're going to jail!
 
Tell that to this steroid-powered,
all-semblance-of-humanity-devoured Nightmare banned from
the NFL! And tell that to my Oscar quaking, Golden Globe
shaking acting talent extraordinaire, the Richard Gerewolf!
ROAAARRRRHHHHHH! AHHHHHRRRROOOOOOOO!!!
I'm in over my head here! But I'm not about to go down
without a fight! HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HIKE!
LOOK OUT INJUSTICE - IT'S SHERIFF JOHN BUNNELL!!!
I've got your back, #86/68! These crime-crazed fiends
won't last long against a double dose of L-A-W!
We've only got one chance! THE TOTEM POLE OFFENSE!
#86/68 and Sheriff John Bunnell combine their crime
fighting talents into a monolith of justice!
Come and get us, you half-pint hoodlums!
THE FIGHT IS ON!
Pow! Ka-thud! Kaaazaaakaaastan!!
The Totem Pole Offense wins the day!
And now, Don King, you face the cold bars of prison! Your
adrenaline-fueled race against the law has careened head
on with the harsh justice of #86/68 and myself! You won't
be endangering any innocent civilians when you're locked
away!
You both know well that no prison can hold a man of such braggadocios
proportions! Don King will be out on the street before
sundown! Only in America!
Not in my America! Meet the judge and jury of my
fists, hair parade!
The fight is on once more!!
Thunk! Wham-Constantinople! Ker-sizzle!
Wait! Stop! You can't kill him, #86/68! You'll be no more
than him: a vicious criminal high on the intoxicating
fumes of dangerous behavior!
Don King survives this fight, but barely!
Never… Never be still, for life… is… a game…
EPILOGUE
The Oval Office, Washington, D.C.
Good work, #86/68 and Sheriff John Bunnell! You've done
this nation a great service.
I am worried, though. What if Don King was right?
Have faith in the legal system, #86/68! That crime drunk
fool isn't going to be getting out of prison anytime soon,
not with steel bars shackling him from committing any more
reckless assaults on our peaceful way of life!
Besides, there is no one out there skilled enough to break
into a prison as secure as the one he's in! No one
on the side of wrong, that is!
I hope you're right, Sheriff John Bunnell. I hope you're
right! HUT HUT HUT HIKE!
Cheer up, #86/68! I had federal agents seize all of
Henry Kissinger's candy for us! That was one knock
on the door that was most certainly trick!
HOORAY! HUT HUT HUT TREAT 32 HIKE!!
Meanwhile, on CNN…
Caller from Washington, D.C. state penitentiary, go ahead…
My dear sweet brother! My talk show hosting, celebrity
toasting, suspender coasting brother! It's your flesh and
blood here, Larry! I need you to help a brother out!
Don, you know I'd do anything for family. Just tell me
what has to be done…
THE END
Or is it?
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