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Timelab Crew of Mild Excitement

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For whatever reason you've decided that you're interested in the folks who work in the background at Timelab. They're definitely not heroes but I guess they each do as much as they can in their small way to contribute to me being a hero and saving the world once again.

Professor Chronos
Blood Type: AB+
Professor Chronos is the brains of Timelab and the inventor of the Time Portal. Sometimes the two of us just sit around and talk about math physics or whatever for hours, he's like the only guy in the whole world who I can speak to on even terms, everyone else I have to dumb it down for big time! Probably the best thing about Professor Chronos is that he's so fat and Scottish that I can hang out with him without worrying about him getting any of the attention from any fine ladies who might see us together. He's a world reknowned quantum whose-its so he's sort of like having a puppy dog around for hot and easy college science chicks. They come up to him to ask him about Venn Diagrams or whatever and then before you know it I'm smoking a cigarette next to them and the sheets smell like tobasco and shrimp. Great guy, killer BO though.

Dareotoid #78 - A lot of people would tell you that when you travel to the year 28,099 you should go with a white flag in case there is a technologically superior army of alien invaders waiting for you on the other side of the time portal. Let me be the first to tell you that a lot of people are wrong. There's no reasoning with those damn aliens, just start shooting as soon as you step out of the time portal any year after about 3650.
Laura Abromowitz
Blood Type: Q or something
Hey, now let me tell you about this broad. You want to talk about hard to get. I've had my eye on Laura since the day we met and man she just wants it so bad, but I think she's Orthodox Jewish or something because she just keeps telling me to get lost. How a woman can resist that patented Armstrong smile I will never be able to understand. Man, she's got legs that won't quit, and her breasts are like supple cantaloupes full of juicy pulp just waiting to be cracked open on a table and drained out into my waiting mouth. It gives me cold shivers just thinking about them. Needs a nose job though, and her attitude is seriously out of whack with her whole "Daring stop pawing at me this instant" this and "Daring don't fiddle with that or you'll irradiate the whole lab" that. Sheesh, it's like I'm in fifth grade or something, but Johnny is hot for teacher!

General Braddock Steeliron
Blood Type: A
According to Professor Chronos the Timelab project is secretly funded by the Pentagon, which I guess gives this crumb bum license to storm around the Timelab pissing me off. He talks like he's subsisted his whole life on brandy, cigars, and rock salt and if his voice is ever lowered below a shout it's because something horrible just happened and he's about to shout even louder than normal. A lot of times after a mission he makes me sit in a room with him while he paces back and forth yelling about how I stepped on a bug or how I didn't step on the right bug and crud like that. He's a serious basket case and he's constantly telling me I'm out of line. You want to talk about bad with the ladies? General Steeliron is like one of those sonic mosquito repellent things only replace sonic with "cigar smoke" and mosquito with "vagina".

Adorable Sidekicks (Deceased)
Blood Type: N/A
What is a hero without a sidekick? Well, I'm pretty much the same only I say "this time it's personal" a lot less. During the days when the Sidekicks Co-op program was running I had a total of three unbelievably cute helpers. There was what's-his-name the huge-eyed Mexican kid that I don't think even spoke English. He got run over by a tank when we traveled back to World War I, or maybe it was World War II. Either way this tank just came out of nowhere and squashed him like a little Mexican bug. Then I yelled "this time it's personal you stupid Krauts!" and I opened the hatch of the tank and it was just like "burratatatatat" and I nailed everyone inside. I think the Mexican kid would have been proud that he helped me in his very tiny way by sacrificing his life like that. Then after we sent that kid home in a box they shipped us that incredibly cute Golden Retriever puppy that Laura named Scraps. On the first mission he went on with me I was supposed to watch him or something but he ran away and then when I found him he had eaten some rat poison. I didn't really get revenge for that one but I'd like to think that leaving the rat poison there will kill a few rats to avenge Scraps.

Finally there was this high tech robot from MIT that General Steeliron insisted I take with me when we went back to prehistoric times. It was called Hugsdroid and hell that thing was annoying. It had these treads like a little tank and it got stuck trying to drive over this rock no bigger than a quarter and just started beeping all sad "help me Daring!". I got sick of that and just left it and when I got back there were just some circuits scattered around. I figured a dinosaur got him or something so I loaded up my shotgun and just mowed down like two hundred dinosaurs. When I got back General Steeliron screamed until veins literally burst out of his forehead and sprayed some blood on me. Professor Chronos said that killing all those dinosaurs caused a disruption in the time continuum and President Christian Einstein, who was the kid of Albert Einstein back before the continuum got disrupted, was never born and instead George W. Bush is president. Whatever, he still funded Timelab and I think he's way nicer than that stupid egghead Einstein.

Blood Type: Windshield washer fluid is what it looks like.
We used to have this stodgy old Doctor in the medical lab of Timelab but he somehow got Hepatitis from taking my temperature and died. Don't know how that happened, but I'm sure glad it did because he was replaced with Sexynursebot. Sexynursebot can be a bit aggressive with the medical treatments, but as long she keeps wearing those low-cut tops of hers that are so tight I can see gears beneath them she can saw off my whatever whenever. Look, I know she's a robot, alright, but when a man travels through time on a weekly basis he has certain needs. Laura Abromowitz refuses to help me with those needs so in the mean time all I have is Sexynursebot. Yes, I could leave Timelab and find a girl, but for God's sake I barely have enough time to do my twirling class with my physical trainer! Dating isn't for heroes, being trapped in life and death situations that cause gorgeous women to have sex with you is for heroes. Sexynursebot is for heroes.

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