Dr. Don J. Grundmann, aka Morpheus

When we are young, we're told that any one of us could one day become President of the United States. We're also told Santa Claus is real, and left to our own devices to establish that this is just a white lie, to make growing up as a kid a little cooler. Unfortunately for Dr. Donald Grundmann, the Herbalist Chiropractor, no one has had the heart to tell him that he has absolutely no chance of being an elected official of anything. That is, unless, you believe in THE MATRIX...

"At this moment I want to greatly encourage you with my highest recommendation if you have not yet done so, to go to see the movie entitled The Matrix. In the paragraphs which follow I may use an analogy or two from the film and as I don't want "to ruin" your movie experience by exposing the plot to you I thus encourage you to stop here, don't read any further, and then come back and visit us after you have had the fun of watching the movie.

With the previous warning and advice given I will begin to describe "The Matrix" of our time via the following factual description of a tragic event in United States history. While it may appear at first that the topic I will discuss has no bearing on the 2 financial scandals which I discussed above please bear with me as I will show that the events are extremely closely tied together."

Beware - Depending upon the extent of your own involvement with "The Matrix" the following information, even though it is completely factual, will be totally new and disturbing. Please be aware of your reaction to it.

So Don's campaign platform involved the Robert Kennedy assassination, home schooling, an IRS conspiracy, all tied together with analogies to a science fiction movie from 9 years ago. From abortion, to Bird Flu, culiminating in the Godfather movie, he explains in detail how he's is prepared to solve these dilemmas that plague America. Oh, and you don't have to pay taxes, too. Just like in the Matrix. Free your mind!

– Caylen "Abraham" Burroughs

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful