A Harrowing Account of One Man's... (Part 1)

I tossed the floral bed sheets aside and sprung out of bed like a slinky in reverse, looking down, I saw that I was still wearing my wear pants and favorite tee shirt from the day before.

"Those really needed to be washed" Starlight said from the other side of the room as she puled her taz' tee shirt over her head and tossed it into a clothes hamper. "Maria starts at 10 and I'll have her do the laundry first thing"

I averted my gaze from her disrobed body to my own clothes. Rumpled, wrinkled, specks of dry blood and streaks of bird feces. Across my chest was a random spattering of the silly-putty like material that I recognized as the remnants of Matt's face.

"Hurry up silly, the kids wanted to cook us breakfast this morning so we better get down there before they set off the smoke detector"

I looked back at her in time to see her attaching the various articles of women's underwear to her body parts. I was unable to move a muscle or shift my gaze from her as she quickly dressed, pulling on a pair of shorts that looked like the kind people wear when they play sports, and a tee shirt of a band that wasn't PoD.

After giving me one final affectionate smile and a knowing shake of the head, she left the room.

I slithered out of my own clothes and then approached our walk-in closet. It took me a moment to find the section that belonged to me, and I was glad to find all my familiar clothing hanging there.

I ripped down a fresh pair of sweatpants and my favorite Game of Thrones tee and put them on as fast as I could even though my newly acquired hands impeded me every step of the way, twitching and jerking, never doing what I wanted.

"This must be what it is like to use an Apple product" I mused

Then I walked downstairs.

Allow me to preface this next section by saying that breakfast is very important to me. In fact, in my opinion, it is the most important meal of the day.

I make sure my breakfast has the fuel I need for the day ahead. Of course it consists of one glass of Tang, four 'Smores Poptarts, a tube of Gogurt, and a Dr. Pepper.

To deviate from this meal plan would be years of research wasted, I know precisely the amount of sugars and calories I need to make it to my mid-morning refuel at 10:00.

When you lead an active lifestyle like I do, meals become strategic.

So it stands to reason that I was more than a little hesitant about this so-called "breakfast" our children were making for me.

My new family sat at the table around me. Two young children sat to my right, I was unsure of their ages, but they appeared to be between the ages of Finn the Human and Finn the Human as a baby. Each youngling had a smile plastered on their faces and they were looking at me expectantly.

My wife, Starlight, sat down to my left, the chair creaking beneath her sturdy frame. "Wow kids!" She said, rubbing her hands together the way people do when they are cold and other times as well, "This looks dee-lish!"

I stared in dismay at the disappointing plate in front of me. I began mentally preparing my speech regarding the seven problems I had already identified when Starlight interrupted my thoughts.

"Honey, please say grace"

My children and wife all bowed their heads waited. I looked down at my plate, unsure and confused. The plate of various meats and scrambled eggs steamed on the plate in front of me. The eggs billowing their pungent aroma of a bowel movement into my nostrils.

I looked up to see my family still bowing, eyes shut, hands clasped together. Starlight reverse-winked one eye open and peeked up at me with her eyebrow making an arch shape above her open eye.

I cleared my throat. "Thank you for... Richard Dawkins, and open source software... Amen" I said.

"Although to clarify, there probably is no god."

We ate breakfast.

Starlight and the kids talked about various things such as various things that I didn't listen to.

I pushed the food around on my plate, but first I placed the scrambled eggs into my napkin and balled them up. "I will not be eating this" I said, pointing to the napkin.

I gained better control of my hands, I was able to adequately grasp a fork and negotiate pieces of bacon into my mouth with minimal amounts dropped.

Life began to make sense again, here we were, a family. A happy family. A wife, kids... I counted them... two kids. A house, a large house. We even had a pantry with a frosted glass door.

I nodded silently to myself, yes, this was right, this is how it was supposed to be. The morning sun shone cheerfully in through large, picture windows. Outside, the ground black with an endless sea of motionless birds, each and every one silently staring directly at me.