How to get Elected in Hong Kong

You can run for election for Chief Executive if...
1. You are pre-approved by the central government

OR

2. You fulfill absolute compliance with all factors below.

In each case, you...

• Must hate olives

• Must have (at least) a vague understanding of Hong Kong's general location on a map
• Must know how Game of Thrones ends but no spoilers please

• Must join the Facebook group "If you can join this, the censorship fell off"
• Must not participate in any counter-censorship efforts
• Must be a registered member of the Pen15 Club
• Must select the correct response from below:

1) "You know, in many ways, there aren't many differences between an algae bloom and a rose blossom. Aside from the massive suffocation of all aquatic plant and animal life, of course."

2) "Everyone calm down. There is nothing to worry about. Algae blooms are harmless to humans unless an individual uses water for cooking, bathing, or drinking or, like, has their livelihood linked to the massively poisonous water that's been totally wrecked due to unchecked pollution."

3) "There are no algae blooms."

• Must not have too much arm hair that it looks gross, but not too little that it looks creepy
• Must bring PJs and a spooky movie to Xi Jinping's weekly slumber party
• Must view civil protest as an act of war
• Must look good in a sleeveless t-shirt
• Must know the Konami Code
• Must have a face that fits within these measurements:

• Must combine and harness the NFL's bold faced deniability and the tobacco lobbyists' bold faced lies
• Must have strong opinions about White Castle despite never eating at White Castles
• Must select the correct response below:

1) "People from certain regions and classes don't have feelings. They're like cockroaches that eat more."

2) "Some people truly like working in windowless factories. They are like the conveyor belt or the uncovered asbestos ventilation. Could you imagine an uncovered asbestos ventilation outside on a sunny day? Of course not. It likes being inside working at a grueling pace."

3) "There are no human rights violations."

• Must register online between 7 - 8:15pm using Netscape Navigator v.4.08
• Must have adult braces, healthy flossing habits, and a minimum of three wisdom teeth present
• Must regularly say "awesome" in a manner that does not sound forced or weird
• Must promise to totally not in any way what so ever in their life even think about getting caught in a corruption scandal
• Must be an avid student to the school of Comcast customer support
• Must have three of the following cool signifiers: leather jacket, the name Gunther, a pack of smokes rolled under sleeve, a knowledge of local fauna, a switch blade, a signature dance
• Must talk in the third person about all self-created, totally avoidable tragedies (example: Accidents were made in regard to the daycare/firecracker factory explosion)
• Must have a cool mom
• Must be pre-approved by the central government

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)