State Og Update: 07.02.05

State Og

Interesting and entertaining lead-ins are overrated, screw it. Special thanks this week go to: Matt "Coco13" Rock and Don "Motorcycle" Jolly.

Internal Memo

It has recently come to management's attention that a portion of State OG employees are violating a loophole in our floozy policy. While the rule does specifically say that "No employee may enter the underwater lair dressed as a floozy," it is also inferred that once inside, our employees stay un-floozied. We've received a number of complaints that employees will come into work dressed normally, then change into floozy attire. This does not promote a safe work environment. We ask that, unless you have filled the proper request forms to floozy yourself for a period of time, you refrain from dressing like a floozy. We've noticed our numbers have dropped sharply in correlation to high floozying, and while our analysts are still working on the analysis preliminary reports have suggested that this isn't good.

State Og's Guide To Surviving Steak

Summer's here, or as we call it "grilling season." While not a widely recognized name, many people will understand the logic behind the name after explaining that grilling season is meant as a neat nickname for summer.

But with any new name for summer there's plenty of dangers abound, and grilling can pose it's own share of problems. That's why State OG has decided to start a 7 month long series of safety tips, and our inaugural issue is all about steaks.

- Steaks, while mostly delicious, do contain various bones. Do not confuse them with your own bones, your pets bones, or any of your guests bones. Doing so could cause death, public humiliation, or a publicly humiliating death.

- Steaks are not harvested from vampire cows. They are usually taken from normal cows and some cowboys who succumbed to peer pressure and fell into the herd.

- When grilling steaks, do not be confused by performing the act of preparing food. This is one of the few times women aren't allowed to cook. If the woman insists on grilling, allow her. Then push her into the flames. Explain that, if the woman were to attempt pushing the man into the fire, she couldn't because women are not strong. If she doesn't understand the foolproof logic, say it slower.

- Nothing is sadder than a bachelor grilling one steak. If this sounds like your afternoon plans, don't worry. Roll stock footage from the Vietnam war. This way, if someone stops by, they can compare the two sights and say, "While this man is a loser, at least he isn't a senseless and horrible conflict that tore our country apart during the better part of the 1970s." Unless you're grilling a T-bone.

- Charcoal or gas? No matter which one you pick, it seems that everyone that shows up to abuse your free food will bitch about this trivial matter. In order to be ahead of the curve, late one night, visit everyone's backyards to see which kind they have. Wear all black to disguise yourself as a charcoal, so when people see you they'll know what you're doing.

- If you're a vegetarian who's invited to a cook-out, don't worry about being pressured into eating meat. I've already talked to the hosts, and they totally switch the menu over to the vegan stuff that tastes exactly like meat. But you can't tell anyone.

- Dude, I totally didn't. I tricked that vegetarian into eating meat! High fives.

With these safety tips about grilling, now everyone who comes to your cookout can leave in one piece. Unless a lot of people want seconds.

Og Body Spray Commercial #1

Fade In :

INT. DOG KENNEL – EVENING A buxom young woman in a revealing white shirt and black pants is giving food to a wall of yapping, hungry dogs. She suddenly stops – she smells something. The dogs, one by one, go quiet. Frightened, the woman peeks in one of the cages – and finds the dog cowering in a corner. It emits a chilling WHINE.

WOMAN
Hello?

There is a burst of movement. A shadowy figure BURSTS from the gloom, jumping on the woman. There is the HISS of an aerosol can. We zoom in to reveal that the figure is spraying the young woman with OG Body Spray. The woman collapses to the floor.

Frightened, the dogs continue yapping. The shadowy figure – revealed to be a man – breathes heavily and unzips his jeans.

NARRATOR
Feeling lucky?

Cut to black.

NARRATOR
OG Body Spray. Why smell good, when you can just knock them out?

Congratulations Winner!

As you may know, our Death Valley office has recently been forced by the federal government to conform to certain points of the Americans With Disabilities Act. As the government prescribed, we have installed ramps, access bars and other architectural options that allow our crippled friends a full range of movement.

There’s only one problem. We don’t have any cripples working for us to test out all this boss stuff! To correct this problem, we have selected 200 random employees to be permanently crippled by our caring HR staff.

And you’ve been selected! Please report the HR department, and don’t forget your appendages!

- The Management