February 26, 2013

I wish I cared about anything as much as Subway cares about putting avocados in their stupid fucking subs

— Matt Oswalt (@Puddinstrip) February 19, 2013

live your life in a way that when people find out the freaky sex shit you're into they're just like "haha yeah that definitely makes sense"

— acidic jew (@subtle_violence) February 19, 2013

theres 2 rival communities on twitter: hollywood celebs and adult men who wear diapers and make turds in them. i'll pick sides later

— deg (@degg) February 21, 2013

workin hard or hardly workin? i dont know you tell me Ass Hole...which is the one that describes me haveing a boner at the office

— rad milk (@rad_milk) February 21, 2013

My best pick up line, "Now's your chance to get in on the ground floor of something special," is more effective when I'm not drunk at noon.

— Rob Hoffman (@Rob_Hoffman) February 21, 2013

Hey so this is awkward considering we broke up two years ago, but this love coupon does say "expires: never" soooo can I get that foot rub?

— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) February 21, 2013

ok so i just saw a bar named 'spirited away' and my car screeched to a raging halt #anime #alcoholism (?)

— Hot Mini Donuts (@diaper_wolf) February 21, 2013

"yeah this movie is a real tearjerker" - me holding a dvd of Crying Masturbating Men 7

— stefan(@boring_as_heck) February 21, 2013

you're telling me a chicken fried this rice?

— Tami Cruickshank (@TamiCruickshank) February 22, 2013

Vanilla ice . Com

— Vanilla Ice (@vanillaice) February 23, 2013

the sun begins to set into the ocean. the wind billows through my white linen shirt. i play a sensuous sax solo wearing my google glasses

— GraeyDave (@graeyalien) February 23, 2013

*mega huge tampon falls out of my pocket* oh damn how'd this get here ;)

— beebles (@beebles) February 23, 2013

You know how the store keeps cilantro and parsley separate so people don't confuse them? Hollywood does that with me and Val Kilmer.

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) February 24, 2013

BTW I am nominated for Sound Editing for Les Miserables for my ability to quickly hit “mute” whenever Russell Crowe sings

— Andy Levy (@andylevy) February 25, 2013

just parted my hair down the exact middle like a total piece of shit

— GARBAGE (@PierreMenard) February 25, 2013

Not a great time for those of us who regularly search "onion cunt" as the query seems to be filled with drama of some sort

— jerry cat aol.com (@dogboner) February 25, 2013

i have a plunger with a horizontal handle but it's only big enough for one hand. i want one that's like a dynamite plunger from looney toons

— tinybaby (@tinybaby) February 25, 2013

review: koala kare diaper station with the fuckin bear on it. awful. sorry im not some size 0 model who can use this without it snapping off

— wint (@dril) February 25, 2013

I just read that the onion was in hot water but how did the world know I was making soup?! #Technology #InformationAge #RobotApocalypse

— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 25, 2013

I told my grandpa that it was all going to be okay since The Onion apologized and he said "Son, you are not makin' a lick of sense"

— matt (@biorhythmist) February 25, 2013

MAYBE THE IKEA MONKEY WAS RUNNING AWAY FROM THE HORSE MEAT, WOW WHAT A C-WORD, OPPA GANGNAM STYLE, THIS IS A TOILET WEBSITE #HARLEMSHAKE

— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) February 25, 2013

100% real, this is what my phone pocket typed in my gym shorts today instagr.am/p/WK4eE9yx-z/

— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) February 25, 2013

Can you say you're drowning in pussy if it's just yours

— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) February 26, 2013

The week after I shared about my abandonment issues with my psychiatrist he quit, but he'll be back, right?I'll be better, I promise.

— Tricia (@Im_Tricia) February 26, 2013

cant sleep due to constantly putting figure fours on my persecutors in dream. doc says i have wrestles leg syndrome. i just want relief.

— Greg (@weedguy420boner) February 26, 2013

How about this: I'm willing to let this horse meat mistake slidesdale?

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 26, 2013

Let me explain why I don't use abbreviations (abbreves for short):

— KATORYN REVY (@butthugs) February 26, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)