April 8, 2014

Got pretty embarrassed at the party last night. Totally looked like I peed my pants 'cuz I spilled my glass of pee into my lap

— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) August 21, 2013

i only eat cured meats i don't want any meats that still have meat aids

— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) April 1, 2014

Happy birthday to my cousin Shelly. I hope you have a great day! APRIL FOOLS! I hope you get diarrhea, Shelly.

— Alissa O. (@alissaisok) April 2, 2014

Excited to announce my latest investment; this two dollar scratch it card.

— Amber Karmel (@McNorfin) April 2, 2014

nonono im not an alcoholic im a craft beer nerd. the labels are much more colourful and it costs 3x as much

— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) April 3, 2014

I got a 12 hour ban from facebook because some guy was complaining about cyberbullying and I uploaded a photoshop of his head in a toilet

— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) April 3, 2014

Michael Jackson wasn't murdered by a doctor. @lowtax banned him and he was so embarrassed he stopped moving forever

— amanda (@onlyprettysure) April 3, 2014

Headed into my 2nd hour of trying to turn on the lamp in my hotel room.

— billy eichner (@billyeichner) April 4, 2014

[wakes up in a cold sweat] I ALMOST FORGOT TO CORRECT SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET!

— brendle what (@brendlewhat) April 4, 2014

do you think we see trippy euro images on drugs because surrealism is so ingrained in culture? or do you think we should..Kick John V's Ass?

— John V (@wettbutt) April 4, 2014

Me seeing a guy with a goiter: hey man I think you have an ingrown dreadlock Me reading about goiter pamphlet: Man I am sooo sorry

— Mikey Nicegood (@DinkMagic) April 4, 2014

*does michael jackson lip bite head shake leg kick 2 seconds before getting knocked out in a street fight*

— Brent (@murrman5) April 5, 2014

these plants better hire a better ad agency pic.twitter.com/IVzdjIsBmv

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) April 5, 2014

Just accidentally jacked off to http://t.co/yFy9dEw3OY and ordered khakis from You Porn.

— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) April 5, 2014

I just earned the "You're Drinking Miller Lite And You Deserve To Die" badge (Level 1) on untappd.

— Michele Catalano (@inthefade) April 5, 2014

[grainy videotape footage zooming in on me out in a big field beating the shit out of and head butting a dumpster on fire]

— andrulius (@Peeglass) April 5, 2014

I put the :/ in http:/

— catherine carroll (@catscarlett) April 6, 2014

Going to Target, anyone need anything nicer than what you'd buy at Walmart but not as nice as you'd hoped to afford at this stage in life?

— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) April 6, 2014

2014 has been huge for brands. Enormous even. i don't want to see what 2015 has in store for us. i want to be killed before then

— Pal (@sickpal) April 6, 2014

Tried this line "hi I'm the horniest" one guy said he knew a hornier girl I was like doubt it & one guy's wife said step off bitch I said ok

— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) April 6, 2014

Brought a shopping bag full of loose peanuts to the jays game yesterday. every game im gonna bring a grosser food & see where the line is

— Mikey Nicegood (@DinkMagic) April 6, 2014

I am a man but I have large tits, larger than some of the women i lust after

— Hermit Thrush (@_Hermit_Thrush_) April 7, 2014

Today is the 20th anniversary of the genocide in Rwanda, but first... let me take a selfie.

— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) April 7, 2014

big food is in bed with the natural gas companies. "you should cook fish and eggs before you eat them or youll get sick" Find another sucker

— Michael Hale (@dogboner) April 7, 2014

He died doing what he loved: innovating brands

— Ed Zitron (@edzitron) April 7, 2014

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)