Star Trek Toys

Star Trek made $72 million over the weekend, and many of those moviegoers rushed to the Internet in hopes of finding collectibles such as "Green-skinned slut roommate doll" or "Keenser plush doll, with 'little person' insert." Star Trek Toys, the first Google hit for "Star Trek action figures," sends visitors on an Abrams-esque flashback to the mid-'90s, with enough spinning GIFs and loud graphics to asphyxiate any browser, even if you select the "can not supports the frame" option. Site operators Hardy and Karen van Niersen also warn "Your browser must be set to except cookies or the shopping cart will not work," advice that only perpetuates the failure if followed as stated.

The confused Web traffic that comes here in search of any acknowledgment of the new film will leave disappointed, though they might appreciate the time-warp effect catalyzed by the hideous design.

You will always be a child of two worlds, and fully capable of deciding your own destiny. The question you face is: which path will you choose?

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller