Stealth Toilet Tactics!

Given all the sophisticated wit showcased on the SA Forums, it's no wonder our site is known as "the McSweeney's of the Internet." But sometimes the Goons give the highbrow humor a rest in order to satisfy a primal human urge -- the desire to make crude drawings of genitalia! This time the art serves an important purpose, as Frank Horrigan and friends illustrate the proper way to urinate without alerting roommates/co-workers/some eavesdropping weirdo who's holding a cup to the door.

Frank Horrigan

Let's talk about stealth pissing for a few minutes. You know how it goes; you're on vacation, maybe you live in an apartment building, perhaps your roommates are nosy. Either way, you've found yourself in a situation where someone may be listening to you pee. Regardless of how you got in this situation, you're in it and there's no way out. Somebody wants to hear you bleed the main vein, and they're going to do their goddamned best to make sure that happens. I'd like to take this opportunity to share some methods I've discovered that can help ensure that the sound of your piss remains a secret to the world.

Method 1: Rimshot

Most people are familiar with this method. It gets the job done, but there are a couple drawbacks. For one thing It's a bitch and a half to aim unless you have a very steady hand, so you're pretty much guaranteed to piss on the floor eventually. Additionally, piss droplets. They get everywhere, maybe even on your toothbrush! That's gross.

Method 2: The Thirsty Bird

Don't do this. Ever.

Method 3: The Crouch

This slightly advanced method will require some explanation. First of all, crouch down on one knee. Next, place your penis into the toilet. DO NOT TOUCH THE SIDE OF THE BOWL! That's super gross.

Now that you're in position, piss against the rim of the bowl at a very shallow angle. Done correctly, your pee will spiral silently into the water, and the people listening outside the bathroom door will be none the wiser!

I hope this information helps someone avoid the terminal embarrassment of having someone hear them tinkle. If you have your own stealth piss methods, please share them below!

Noyemi K

I dunno man tried the thirsty bird today and it went pretty well, nobody heard or anything but somehow the toilet water went UP and INTO my URETHRA

Frank Horrigan

Please don't do the Thirsty Bird, I'm pretty sure that's how herpes was originally created.

Otto Von Jizzmark

I used to like peeing on the toilet paper in public restrooms. Just imagining some dude in there taking a shit reaching for the tp and realizing someone pissed on it cracked me up.

Frank Horrigan

This thread is for stealth pissing, not whatever the fuck this is.

a hole-y ghost

just carry around water balloons and piss into those. they can hold a lot of piss.

gary oldmans diary