Walter Shapiro from Politics Daily imagined the first 100 days under President John McCain. Ross Douthat, newly of the New York Times, pondered the potential of a Dick Cheney run for the Presidency in 2008. With the world wrapped up in Obama hagiography, the natural conclusion of Mr. Shapiro's and Mr. Douthat's magical thinking is to envision the grandeur of the first 100 days of Dick Cheney's White House.

The Cheney White House isn't buying into the 100-day measure of the success of the newly-minted administration, but they're more than happy to talk up the President's accomplishments.

White House press secretary Charles Krauthammer described the 100-day metric as a "lie" at a press briefing Tuesday.

"Measurements of time are a liberal lie designed to undermine the sanctity and security of the State of Israel," Krauthammer explained.

Even so, a senior official in the Cheney White House spoke to us on the condition of anonymity. "These are trying times and the President is often swimming upstream against a do-nothing democrat party. That's not an excuse. President Cheney has done more in the first 100 days of his administration than any other president, and under difficult circumstances."

So how has President Cheney fared? What are his accomplishments? The unnamed official afforded us with a list inscribed on scrolled vellum and sealed with wax bearing the impression of the Presidential Signet.

  • Cheney's most embarrassing moment? A London visit nearly turned bad when Cheney reached for the Queen's hand, forgetting his subdermal venom injectors. Ordering the doubling of Guantanamo Bay and the construction of Guantanamo Nights and Guantanamo 3D Experience in Florida and California respectively. Increased capacity on Wild Water Board, Enhanced Interrogation Tunnel, the Crazy Caterpillar, and the Shrek 3 Vertebral-Braced Non-Concussive Wall Explorateerium.
  • Setting a timetable for the withdrawal of all US combat forces from Iraq and the handover of total authority to the Iraqi government. 50,000 troops are expected to return home by the summer of 2010 and all troops will be moved to Iran by no later than 2011.
  • Canceled the new presidential helicopters, saving the taxpayers over $15 billion. Announced plans for a presidential nuclear submarine, a presidential rocket ice sled, a presidential dirigible, and a presidential star gate. The cost is classified, therefore it does not count.
  • Passed the Fair Tax, setting all brackets at a flat 15% tax rate.
  • Passed the Fairer Tax, reducing the top two tax brackets to 10%.
  • Passed the Unbelievably Awesome and Excellently Fair Superior Tax for Hero Patriots of America, which reduced the tax rate of the top 1% of income earners to, "The amount in silver dollars that can be grasped in a child's hand."
  • Helped craft the Freedom Hands Act, which will remove all children's hands by 2012 and stimulate the economy by employing some 80,000 new limb technicians. It may also prevent them from grasping at precious silver coins earned by honest adult men through hard toil in the pharmaceutical lobbying and gray projects development industries.
  • President Cheney and Senator Nelson (R-NE) marvel at these fat little hands that must have hid in pockets to not be free.Saved the US financial system from peril caused by Clinton era policies and the failure of congressional democrats to provide oversight of home lenders Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. President Cheney must now approve all home loans personally. Applicants must provide a hank of hair or a few drops of blood, a favorite piece of jewelry or clothing, and their full true name. Misrepresenting any piece of information results in time in the scourge sphere.
  • Protected the US automakers from insolvency by purchasing all automaker stock with a holding corporation and overseeing the streamlining of their operations during the economic downturn. The holding corporation, REDACTED, has currently employed almost 200,000 people in Kyrgyzstan to build popular American brands like The Corbette, Plymouth Vonager, The Cark, Diesel Cark, and new Green Cark Hybrex. General Morors Toyota Carby and Adult Van will be available soon with factories in REDACTED tribal region.
  • Passed the largest economic stimulus package in US history based entirely on human organ harvesting and bullets.
  • Lifted the ban on federal funding of stem cell research and redirected all funds and stem cell scientists to a secret medical project based in the Nevada desert. Terrible screams can be heard for many miles in the cold, starry night.
  • Resisted the urge and did not invade any new countries, California.

Vector Team Crimson apprehend suspects for interrogation during Operation Franken.Many critics of the administration, particularly those who have had family members mysteriously disappear recently, were quick to add to the list of Cheney's achievements. MSNBC's Chuck Todd, shaking slightly and with the left side of his face paralyzed by a stroke he suffered during a marathon nine hour interview with CIA analysts, offered President Cheney's handling of Somali pirates earlier in the month.

Four Somali pirates hijacked the ship Maersk Alabama, taking her captain hostage and escaping to a lifeboat. An American warship soon arrived on the scene, only to find the four pirates had been garroted and the captain was only lightly wounded in both legs and his lesser neck area by envenomed crystal shards fired from some sort of bio gun. It was later revealed that President Cheney ordered the daring rescue be carried out by Vector Team Crimson, the most elite of the Vector Teams.

As if to underscore the extraordinary nature of President Cheney's first 100 days in office, Democratic Senator Ben Nelson of Nebraska announced that he would be switching to the Republican Party. Citing "ideological differences" and the recent disappearances of more than 57 Democratic congressmen and women, Senator Nelson wept with what we are told was joy. Some suspect the switch may have been finally prompted by the arrest of longtime friend Joseph Biden (D-DE) for his violations of the Addington-Bybee Act forbidding eye contact with the President.

Whether you think the President is doing a great job or you are one of the critics who believes President Cheney is doing a very good job, you can rest assured that the next 100 days will be as eventful as the first.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful