How to Survive in Any RPG

Townspeople: Helpful Hands or Tools of Satan?

In your journeys, you might notice some eerie truths about the inhabitants of the towns you visit. Here's a few things to keep an eye out for when dealing with these backstabbing villians:

Meet Villagers A, B, C, and D.

There must be alot of inbreeding in the fantasy worlds we love so much because all townspeople look remarkably similar, even in faraway towns. Perhaps cloning has somehow been mastered in an age where the most essential advances in technology, like hula hoops or bread machines, haven't been discovered yet.

Towns in RPG games have a 98% jobless rate, as there are only four businesses per town (blacksmith, wizard, item store, bank), and the rest of the town consists of people who stand and stare at bushes, walk to a barn, walk back to the bushes, turn around, and walk back to the barn all day.

Short term memory loss is a widespread problem which affects all. In addition to your main character likely suffering from amnesia which prevents him from remembering he's the most powerful being in the world, every single person you converse with will repeat the last thing they said as if they hadn't said it before.

"Hello, adventurer! I hope someone saves us all from this horrible evil soon!"
*player presses A in an attempt to get more information which could be used to help this person*
"Hello, adventurer! I hope someone saves us all from this horrible evil soon!"

In addition to the widespread amnesia, villagers are additionally always on their "period." That is, all they can do is respond with a series of periods, such as in the following conversation:

TOWNSPERSON #1: "So what did you do today?"
TOWNSPERSON #2: "..."
TOWNSPERSON #1: "Oh really? It was that bad?"
TOWNSPERSON #2: "..."
TOWNSPERSON #1: "Jesus Christ, he got his entire fist up there?!?"

The "..." is a valid form of communication no matter where you go, and can denote anything from surprise to happiness to death.

...

Only important people have names. If there's somebody you need to speak to regarding your quest to find the Ice Ankle Bracelet of Compounding Interest Rates, you should speak to Huzariao Freemont. If you want to find out somebody's opinion of the weather today, you talk to the person named "TOWNSPERSON" wandering aimlessly around the courtyard, staring at the trees and houses.

The vital pieces of information you gain are usually HIGHLIGHTED and IN BOLD, which explains why most RPGs are afraid to include voice acting. Imagine walking into a crowded bar and asking the bartender if he knows where to find the Pantyhose of Dexterity +2, then actually hearing someone try to place emphasis on the key phrases.

Bartender: "If you want the... PANTYHOSE!!!..., I suggest you go... WEST!!!..., to a small ...CAVE!!!"
*player presses A*
Bartender: "Take a LEFT when you hit the SMALL GIRL who is standing in the MIDDLE OF THE FIELD talking about HOW MUCH SHE LIKES HER PET CAT."
*player presses A again*
Bartender: "My LIFE is a LIE. Did you get all that, or should I REPEAT it?"
*player decides going outside and playing baseball might be a good idea afterall*
Bartender: "..."

Beware the married people. If there is a married couple, they will never have any pertinent information to share but they'll be more than willing to talk about each other to you each time you speak to one of them, then the other, and then back to the first one over and over again.

HUSBAND: "Jeez, look at the tits on that barmaid!"
WIFE: "I think my husband has fallen in love with the barmaid!"
HUSBAND: "I think I have fallen in love with the barmaid! I hope my wife doesn't find out!"
WIFE: "I think I have found out my husband has fallen in love with the barmaid!"

Sometimes this couple will have a sidequest involving finding a questionable item that somehow matters a lot to one of them. In this case, finding the woman's missing rolling pin will somehow fix the couple's shaky marriage. In return for the hour of your life you'll spend finding it, you'll be awarded with either a piece of armor you already have, or a completely useless item such as the "Cracked Mirror" or "Stylish Feather." Examining these items will result in wildly insightful information such as "This mirror... it appears to be cracked," or "A feather of stylish origin. It reminds me of something..."