I'm Tired of All the Goddamn Panda Sex!

...and this is why we can't have nice things! Look at those two, they don't even have any idea how to have panda sex! The head doesn't go there, dumbass!

Before I begin this article, let me clarify that subject line: I am not tired of having sex with panda bears, but rather I am tired of reading about panda bears having sex with each other. If I routinely engaged in sexual intercourse with panda bears then yes, I probably would be tired of panda sex. I suppose it would have to depend on how good the panda is in bed and if it can do that twirling nipple tassel thing I saw on a Cinemax movie about these guys who had sex with the erotic mermaids of the Baltic Sea. Additionally, the panda would have to promise to not bite through my jugular, as my doctor told me I need it to live. All this bestiality is getting me off track though; today I'd like to address my utter contempt with panda-on-panda sex.

Celebrity panda leaves China for love - Celebrity giant panda Gaogao, a television star in China, has left his homeland for a U.S. zoo that hopes he will mate with a female called Baiyun, or White Cloud, the official Xinhua news agency has reported.

If anybody out there remembers the 1980s, and by God I really pray you don't, you'll recall the nonstop concern our great nation of chiropractors and Scientologists had with forcing two panda bears to rape each other and produce tinier panda bears which would eventually be forced to rape others. This is what nature scientist people refer to as "The Great Panda Rape Chain of Life," and they will encourage this kind of activity until there are billions of panda bears scattered throughout the globe, willingly raping each other without the aid of human technology. Celebrity pandas are considered rare not only because there are around 1,000 of them left, but the remaining few lack the stage presence and raw charisma of "Gaogao." For example, during one episode of the Chinese show that Gaogao hosts, "You Wake Up In This Pit of Real Love," he is able to drive around one of those silly red cars while juggling snowballs and mocking the Chinese contestants who were thrown into "The Forgiving Bucket" full of eels and hypodermic needles. Out of the 1,000 remaining pandas, I can't name a single one that even has a valid driver's license, so that should demonstrate just how valuable this Gaogao creature is. If he weighed over 900 pounds, I would claim he's worth his weight in gold.

Despite the lure of golden pandas raping each other in red cars, I can't help but feel sick and tired of panda sex. Honestly now, what function do panda bears serve in our society? When is the last time you commented, "you know, this (PRODUCT NAME) is good, but I can't help but think it would be better with a live panda bear!" You've probably never spoken that because who the hell says "PRODUCT NAME," especially in all capital letters? I don't even know how that's possible. All I know is that my life has never been affected by a panda bear in any way whatsoever and I intend on keeping it this way for the foreseeable future. Pandas aren't even important enough to rank on the Great Food Chain ™, and hell, everything is on that damn thing. The Great Food Chain ™ is some astronomically huge list of every living thing on the Earth, what it eats, and what eats it, like a gigantic game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" only the scissors can EAT YOU. Now there's a disturbing thought for you to obsess over! Here's the short version of the Great Food Chain ™ in case you need to write it down on your hand for future reference:

ATOM gets eaten by MOLECULE gets eaten by AMOEBA gets eaten by GRASS gets eaten by WORM gets eaten by BEETLE gets eaten by SQUIRREL gets eaten by CAT gets eaten by EAGLE gets eaten by MONGOOSE gets eaten by SNAKE gets eaten by VERY LARGE ATOM WITH SHARP TEETH gets eaten by DOLPHIN gets eaten by DOLPHIN KING gets eaten by GIANT TROUT gets eaten by WHALE gets eaten by HUMAN gets eaten by AIDS gets eaten by ATOMS

This is a very good yet very overused image displaying where a panda bear belongs: behind the driver's wheel!

It is this moebius strip of life which keeps us all from spontaneously combusting or falling off the Earth or whatever horrible thing would happen if bugs couldn't be eaten by squirrels. You'll note that the entry of "PANDA BEAR" is not located in the Great Food Chain ™. Why is this? Simply put, nobody gives a shit about panda bears enough to eat them. Hell, they don't even eat objects composed of meat, they eat crap like bamboo or pears or mud or whatever. Yet despite all this, scientists insist on forcefully shoving male panda parts into female panda parts in the futile pursuit to create new pandas. Why? What's the lure of these fat raccoons? I did a little research and came upon this page which claims the following:

In the Han dynasty (206 BC-AC 24) the emperor's garden in the then capital Xian held nearly 40 rare animal specials, of which the panda was the most highly treasured, and the poet Bai Juyi (AD 772-846) credited the panda with the power to prevent disease and exorcise evil spirits.

Naturally, they decided that the disease prevention and evil exorcising forces of the panda bear could be best utilized by killing as many as possible and draping their flesh across walls. People would travel long and far to stab pandas in the head with spears, thereby protecting them from evil spirits for three years or 30,000 miles, whichever came first. Thanks to their ignorance and lack of foresight, the world now suffers from a severe panda shortage, highly affecting the thirteen weird college professors who actually care about panda bears. However, the news media still won't shut the hell up after 20 years of panda bear sex coverage, so once again we find ourselves in the midst of Panda Penetration Pregnancy Problem '03, our hopes and dreams riding on the back of animal semen like a really weird cowboy. Luckily, we here at Something Awful have been brainstorming solutions to this really annoying crisis in the hope that some day, perhaps in the future, we'll finally be able to overcome the impenetrable wall of panda impregnation.

OPTION #1: Genetically engineer NeuPandas. As the doctors once said to Ted "The Million Dollar Man" Dibiase, "we can rebuild him. We have the technology." That horribly scarred woman / man scientist creature at Clone-Aid claims they successfully cloned a human baby, leading the way to the current baby-spewing machine they've got set up to pump out a couple hundred thousand cloned kids for eagerly anticipating lesbian couples. If a private organization, one run by a woman who is the result of Yeti crossbreeding, is able to clone and produce these genetically modified humans, then why can't we do the same for a couple stupid panda bears? We'll just frame them for a crime they didn't commit, take them into the booking station, and swipe some of their DNA... you know, for "the records." We'll ship that puppy off the nearest Clone-A-Rama and bam, before you know it we'll have so many panda bears that all evil spirits and disease will be completely eradicated from the face of the planet. However, we can take this one step further.

When genetic tinkering with panda DNA goes wrong. HORRIBLY wrong.

As a famous scientist who has studied the effect of panda bears on Satan for years, I have volumes of research proving that panda bears prevent disease and exorcise evil spirits. Of course my research paperwork consists solely of the quote "the poet Bai Juyi (AD 772-846) credited the panda with the power to prevent disease and exorcise evil spirits" printed 140,000 times with the words "BY RICHARD KYANKA, FAMOUS SCIENTIST" stamped on the front, but that's still a lot more than you got going for you in the way of science, pal. According to my computer, and keep in mind that computers never lie, two panda bears would cure twice as much disease and evil as one. And three would cure three times as much. Once you get past four, I lose track, but you see where this is heading. I propose that we clone not one simple panda, but a NeuPanda that consists of over 70 billion pandas. I've seen zip files which compress an uncanny amount of data into a tiny space, so why can't we do the same with panda DNA? Of course this project runs the risk of destroying us all and causing the universe to implode into itself, but that's the chance you must take when dealing with pandas and evil spirits.

OPTION #2: Dress up shitty animals as pandas. For every cute and cuddly panda in existence, there are at least 50 stupid and ugly animals that we'd extinguish cigarettes on their eyes if we had the chance, like Carol Channing or squid. Nobody, not even a drunken sea captain, would think that squid are anything but stupid, slimy, repulsive monsters who feast on our Lovecraftian nightmares. Squid are worthless in almost every possible aspect, and serve no purpose except to fatten people who like the taste of used condoms. Combine the amount of ugly animals with the quantity of online furries who would jump at the chance to sew together a panda bear costume so they might possibly rape it, and you've got a winning combination that can't be beat. Just zip up the squid inside their panda fursuits and soon we'll have really elongated panda bears swimming freely throughout the ocean, falling to the bottom, and ultimately dying due to their lack of swimming ability inside a costume. This may sound like a negative thing, but think about it: during that time there will be thousands of ejaculating furries swimming into the middle of the ocean to mate with panda squid, only to gradually sink to their deaths! The ocean will be lined with the corpses of furries from across the globe and mankind's eternal goal will finally be reached: a world without people who are turned on by humanoid shaped naked foxes.

OPTION #3: Mandatory panda sentencing for criminals. I think everybody is well aware of China's tough stance on crime and the criminals who cause the aforementioned crimes. For example, the punishment for murder is a state-sponsored execution. Also, people accused of rape are executed as well. Oh yeah, and they'll also kill you if you steal something, threaten government officials, give away plot spoilers from a movie, or fail to leave a sufficient tip after dinner. As a result, the International Whining Committee bitches and complains that China commits all kinds of "mean" and "atrocious" civil rights violations just because it loves to kill its own citizens. By encouraging a mandatory panda sentencing for criminals, China will not only silence the incessant bickering of human rights organizations while producing a bountiful supply of panda bears. Criminals, after found guilty by some guy who's kind of related to the King of China or whoever runs the joint, will be sentenced to "become a panda" for 30 years. They will be thrown into a cell located inside a state sanctioned "Panda Zoo" and given a cute name like "Ling Long 8391-8761-0092-6352." The prisoners will not be given panda suits or anything; they'll simply be labeled "pandas" and will be forced to copulate with real, living pandas. Sure the forced sex will end up with no positive results except possibly a death in the process, but since China would eventually kill the fool anyway, it's no big loss.

Wow, with all these exciting ideas and innovations, you really have to wonder why the news media is still obsessing over panda sex. Our technology, combined with our lack of moral guidance and good judgment, can produce a limitless supply of those worthless panda bears or at least something slightly resembling something which might resemble a panda bear if it looked completely different. I don't really care at this point as long as it results in CNN shutting the hell up about panda sex for a few days.

Set Sail for Romance!

Zack "Geist on Golf" Parsons here with a brand new SA Story Time. This week we have a genre crushing piece entitled "The Oiled Chest of the Scarlet Buccaneer" and oh my God am I turned on!

Despite her comment to the contrary the effect of contact-friction on his body's surface temperature was negligible and his caress was at best tepid. At last the length of his erect mizzenmast was revealed to her, swaying slightly in the drafty air. Before she could comment on it he sent his battering ram plunging into the depths of her fortress stronghold, where it quickly pushed aside the portcullis of her innocence and ran amok through the subterranean passages of her lust. He rode her like a goblin riding a broomstick and yelled out his every pleasure as though he were the town crier reading a list of words banned by the constabulary. Holly's cheeks were flushed and her face locked in an expression that fused pleasure and concern for her internal organs.

I hope your will power is strong or you are completely shameless, because this edition of SA Story Time is going to command you to drop trow. Money talks and bullshit walks, so head on over and check it out!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)