A shitbag law firm named "Higbee and Associates" assaults me with a legal threat for "up to $150,000" because somebody on the Something Awful Forums linked to an image of Hitler, a file that is hosted on the third-party site Imgur. No, I am not making this up, and even if I was, I could not come up with something this stupid.
I'll be the first to admit that, during my teenage years, I jacked off while looking at JC Penny's catalogues. Hell, I still do. The absolute only time I can get off anymore is when I force my wife to dress up like a JC Penny's catalogue. She doesn't really enjoy it, but it gives me an excuse to temporarily unchain her from the radiator.
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
Gun violence has grown so uncontrollably that for each individual resident of Chicago, three of them are shot to death every single day, sometimes repeatedly. This is an incredibly unsettling trend that has, in no way, been happening everywhere and growing at a steady rate for the previous six million decades. Fortunately, I know how to solve it.
After years and years of putting up with (and promoting) Jones' shit garbage idiot crap, a few of the tech industry bigwigs got together and said "hey, maybe this person who is objectively the dumbest human being to ever get launched out of a vagina, should not be on our social media platforms." Wow! What a crazy and absolutely revolutionary idea!
WORDS ARE OUTLAWED. COMMUNICATION IS ILLEGAL. ALL OUR THOUGHTS AND IMAGES ARE NOW MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON EATING POPCORN DOT GIF.
Everybody loves lists! Everybody loves articles about how to get a girlfriend and do the dirty things with her! Everybody loves articles about the upcoming new year!
Cernovich "not surprised" and "had no doubt" Cernovich would boldly succeed where all others have failed.
So you've been following this "Bitcoin" craze (otherwise known as cryptozoology), and you've watched the price of your precious Bitcoins rise from $28 to its current price of over $270 trillion. Now you're ready to cash out and live the good life, because as Notch has shown us all, money can easily buy happiness. Also fatness.
Please make this man stop producing comics, because honestly I swear to Christ he is responsible for murdering my goddamn brain.
The highly complex and detailed world of Ben Garrison's political creations are finally broken down for you, the viewers!
Christmas is right around the corner and you know what that means: time to pick out the perfect book of memes for that special someone in your life who will most definitely not immediately sever all contact with you after receiving such a gift.
Get any woman you want, any time you want, by learning these TOP SECRET 100% GUARANTEED TRICKS THAT WILL WORK ON ANY WOMAN EVER!!!
Everybody loves lists and everybody loves staring at crime scene accidents, so let's take a look at the 17 worst games we've played since the last X worst games we've played! We personally guarantee we'll refund 100% of your time and money if these games are not as absolutely awful as described.
The air hangs low, a potent mixture of humidity and the fart cloud that covers every city in this country. Outside my window, a baby shrieks like a raped banshee, drowned out only by the incessant car horns, drowned out only by the sound of glass being hurled toward concrete walls, drowned out only by sirens. If silence is golden, China is pyrite.
A Microsoft Titanfall EA Titanfall guide... THE ONLY Last guide You'll ever need! Strategy! DLC! MS Points! EA! FPS! Ozone! VSTs! FPS!
Lowtax returns to conclude our exploration of the macabre and mysterious artwork of Ray O'Bannon.
Zack and special guest Lowtax take a look at the artwork of an undiscovered master of the macabre.
Health code violations for Leonardo's FunTyme Fried Chicken Playground N' Upscale Italian Bistro
Welcome readers! I am Michael Bloomberg, mayor of glorious New York City, and I am waging a war against the epidemic of obesity. I have established a revolutionary set of policies and laws designed to eradicate this danger, thereby ensuring a brighter future for all our residents. Please take a moment to read it. Thank you.
A Seven-Year Old's Guide to Minecraft (Mindcraft 3?!?)
A questionnaire to determine which RPG video game character you are best suited to be.
Today, Wednesday, August the 17th at 7:00 PM CST, Something Awful will appear in hundreds of movie theaters across America! Soon you will be able to watch two of our unreleased, animated shorts on the exact same movie screens previously used to show legitimately entertaining, professional films!
Yo! So you want to hire a REAL PRO ACTOR for your TV SHOW OR FILM MOVIE? Well look no further! You've tried the rest now mess with THE BEAST!!! I'm a CELEBRITY TV STAR and my STAR IS ON THE RISE LIKE THE MOON! Call me THE MOONMAN!!!
Watching a mother cradle a necromorph baby will NOT haunt my nightmares until I die
I've spent a majority of my free time cursing EA and Dice's lack of quality control in their latest bug-filled mess. A mere few minutes ago, I was forwarded an email from an anonymous tipster working at EA with the details on the upcoming patch!
If you buy only one game this year, make sure it is "Deadly Premonition" for the Xbox 360, one of the greatest video games I have ever played. If you only buy two games this year, then buy two copies of "Deadly Premonition." Also, haha, you're poor.