IF YOU DO NOT READ THIS ARTICLE, YOU WILL PROBABLY DIE. EVENTUALLY.
Like any child growing up in the 80s, my parents and schoolteachers taught me the importance of respecting and obeying the Emperor of Mankind, lest I be cast aside to suffer all eternity in the warp. Unfortunately, recent polls have shown that millennials are abandoning these sacred tenets, choosing to lead a life of heresy amongst the xenos.
I don't want to turn off any prospective buyers or Fallout fans, but '76 seems to possess a myriad of questionable decisions that, at best, can hamper certain quests, and at worst, hamper absolutely everything else. I've chosen to list a small number of bugs and poor game design decisions encountered during my exhaustive trip through the wasteland.
A shitbag law firm named "Higbee and Associates" assaults me with a legal threat for "up to $150,000" because somebody on the Something Awful Forums linked to an image of Hitler, a file that is hosted on the third-party site Imgur. No, I am not making this up, and even if I was, I could not come up with something this stupid.
I'll be the first to admit that, during my teenage years, I jacked off while looking at JC Penny's catalogues. Hell, I still do. The absolute only time I can get off anymore is when I force my wife to dress up like a JC Penny's catalogue. She doesn't really enjoy it, but it gives me an excuse to temporarily unchain her from the radiator.
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
Gun violence has grown so uncontrollably that for each individual resident of Chicago, three of them are shot to death every single day, sometimes repeatedly. This is an incredibly unsettling trend that has, in no way, been happening everywhere and growing at a steady rate for the previous six million decades. Fortunately, I know how to solve it.
After years and years of putting up with (and promoting) Jones' shit garbage idiot crap, a few of the tech industry bigwigs got together and said "hey, maybe this person who is objectively the dumbest human being to ever get launched out of a vagina, should not be on our social media platforms." Wow! What a crazy and absolutely revolutionary idea!
WORDS ARE OUTLAWED. COMMUNICATION IS ILLEGAL. ALL OUR THOUGHTS AND IMAGES ARE NOW MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON EATING POPCORN DOT GIF.
What's cooler than spending your hard-earned cash on a bunch of crap with the sole purpose of turning you into a walking website advertisement? NOTHING, THAT'S WHAT.
We were able to recently sit down and interview the men's rights icon, Jordan Peterson, in this exclusive interview.
Everybody loves lists! Everybody loves articles about how to get a girlfriend and do the dirty things with her! Everybody loves articles about the upcoming new year!
Cernovich "not surprised" and "had no doubt" Cernovich would boldly succeed where all others have failed.
So you've been following this "Bitcoin" craze (otherwise known as cryptozoology), and you've watched the price of your precious Bitcoins rise from $28 to its current price of over $270 trillion. Now you're ready to cash out and live the good life, because as Notch has shown us all, money can easily buy happiness. Also fatness.
Please make this man stop producing comics, because honestly I swear to Christ he is responsible for murdering my goddamn brain.
The highly complex and detailed world of Ben Garrison's political creations are finally broken down for you, the viewers!
The hottest new unpopular comedy podcast not sweeping the nation! If you don't listen to this, you're a huge jerk!
There are many requirements planned for Trump's upcoming Mexican / American border wall. Here are some highlights.
In the spirit of the holidays, I naturally sought to purchase 12,000 Chinese glass toilets for employees and relatives. Unfortunately, a man known as "Mr Jerry" let me down.
Christmas is right around the corner and you know what that means: time to pick out the perfect book of memes for that special someone in your life who will most definitely not immediately sever all contact with you after receiving such a gift.
Get any woman you want, any time you want, by learning these TOP SECRET 100% GUARANTEED TRICKS THAT WILL WORK ON ANY WOMAN EVER!!!
MGTOW, "Men Going Their Own Way," is a forum dedicated to fighting against the evil feminist agenda. They do this by being insane.
Could the "Star Marine" module of "Star Citizen" possibly be canceled?
Look at this asshole.
Everybody loves lists and everybody loves staring at crime scene accidents, so let's take a look at the 17 worst games we've played since the last X worst games we've played! We personally guarantee we'll refund 100% of your time and money if these games are not as absolutely awful as described.
The forums are down and I suck.
The air hangs low, a potent mixture of humidity and the fart cloud that covers every city in this country. Outside my window, a baby shrieks like a raped banshee, drowned out only by the incessant car horns, drowned out only by the sound of glass being hurled toward concrete walls, drowned out only by sirens. If silence is golden, China is pyrite.
A Microsoft Titanfall EA Titanfall guide... THE ONLY Last guide You'll ever need! Strategy! DLC! MS Points! EA! FPS! Ozone! VSTs! FPS!
Sometimes games are so bad that they're actually unintentionally entertaining. Here is an article dedicated to 17 of these.
I'm probably now dead, thanks entirely to the Internet. Great job on my murder, this is what I've always wanted.
Nine of the absolute worst PC games to ever be created and pollute the internet. Nightmares and regrets are guaranteed!
Lowtax returns to conclude our exploration of the macabre and mysterious artwork of Ray O'Bannon.
Zack and special guest Lowtax take a look at the artwork of an undiscovered master of the macabre.
Stare in awe at the completely failed attempts to produce clones of Grand Theft Auto. Wonder why they were created. Weep for humanity.
Please enjoy Lowtax's play-through of a game so horrifying, so frightening, so SHOCKING that it bores him ... to death!
A collection of ads from Columbia, the setting of Bioshock: Infinite.
Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka tosses around $5 to see how many people will sell their dignity and lie about a product that makes no sense and does not exist.
Health code violations for Leonardo's FunTyme Fried Chicken Playground N' Upscale Italian Bistro
Welcome readers! I am Michael Bloomberg, mayor of glorious New York City, and I am waging a war against the epidemic of obesity. I have established a revolutionary set of policies and laws designed to eradicate this danger, thereby ensuring a brighter future for all our residents. Please take a moment to read it. Thank you.
A Seven-Year Old's Guide to Minecraft (Mindcraft 3?!?)
At work? Didn't get a copy of Diablo 3? Check out our official gameplay livestream!
An exclusive look at the new maps, skills, and features in Modern Warfare 3's upcoming DLC!
What do the protesters of Occupy Wall Street want?
A questionnaire to determine which RPG video game character you are best suited to be.
Today, Wednesday, August the 17th at 7:00 PM CST, Something Awful will appear in hundreds of movie theaters across America! Soon you will be able to watch two of our unreleased, animated shorts on the exact same movie screens previously used to show legitimately entertaining, professional films!
As a selfless public service for the betterment of mankind, I have created this FAQ to help the ignorant masses by answering the most common questions or concerns regarding this incredible event; the Rapture.
Yo! So you want to hire a REAL PRO ACTOR for your TV SHOW OR FILM MOVIE? Well look no further! You've tried the rest now mess with THE BEAST!!! I'm a CELEBRITY TV STAR and my STAR IS ON THE RISE LIKE THE MOON! Call me THE MOONMAN!!!
Watching a mother cradle a necromorph baby will NOT haunt my nightmares until I die
Use a variety of tools and objects to make something truly awful. Then send it to your friends, who will cherish it for as long as they live.
Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful