Last fall I journeyed to Whitebrook Elementary in Chicago’s north suburbs to speak with Mrs. Klinger’s class of precocious 3rd grade students. Over the course of two articles they offered their ingenious and often surprising responses to the questions I posed.
Even though Mrs. Klinger makes no secret of the fact that she finds my questions disruptive to her class she allowed me to return in early January and launch a whole new volley of interrogatives. Her exceptionally bright students did not disappoint with their thoughtful responses.
In your face once again, Bill Cosby.
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 | "As many fit coloreds as possible to finally turn this cotton plantation to profit. " |
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| "I want to buy a unicorn, a real Pikachu, and a Cayman Islands tax shelter." |  |
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 | "A ticket out of this white bread town." |
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| "A new hotter-looking mommy from Russia." |  |
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 | "A million dollars worth of whatever can make my bone cancer go away. I’m just kidding I don’t have cancer and I definitely wouldn’t waste a million dollars curing my sister." |
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| "My daddy said the United Nations is nothing but meddling cowards so I think we should invade them first." |
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| "The United States should invade whoever will make him popular among his peer group." | |
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| "Iran reminds me of soccer because I ran at soccer practice yesterday. So yes, definitely, we should crush them like ants and leave their civilization in ruins if that’s what it takes to check the advances of the pan-national Islamic caliphate." |
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| "I’m sort of mad because last year the president said we were going to invade Mars and I bet that would be a cooler war." | |
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| "I think there are still a few fire fighters that need to be avenged." |
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| "I will always treasure the five dollar bill my aunt gave me on my seventh birthday." |
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| "The cloud dragon that told me everything would be alright when I flat-lined for three minutes after aspirating water at my pool party last year." | |
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| "An endocrine system." |
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| "A Tantric massage from an 11 year old Thai boy. I thought being in Thailand on a family vacation for my birthday would suck. It did but not in the way I had imagined." | |
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| "Every day I savor the gift of my ancestor’s participation in the systematic liquidation of International Jewry." |
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| "A man being hit in the testicles by a football signed by Brian Piccolo." |
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| "My dad pooping his pants. I found out later he was pooping because he was dead, but it was hilarious at the time." | |
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| "The American Enterprise Institute’s ridiculous whitepaper on instability in Syria." |
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| "My mommy looks pretty scary when she is drinking but the stuff she says is absolutely hilarious. ‘I want to die, baby!’ Hahaha, yeah right mom!" | |
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| "Probably my sister being born. When the doctor said ‘Sea Section’ I thought there would be dolphins in mommy but the truth was a lot funnier!" |
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| "I am not allowed to use the Internet because mommy is afraid I will read something negative about the glorious People’s Republic of China." |
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| "My single greatest passion is opening email attachments from unknown senders in Outlook Express." | |
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| "The Internet is great for keeping me up to date on the names and locations of registered sex offenders in my area that I might want to hang around and trust as an authority figure." |
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| "I love the Internet. I spend hours every day enjoying the amazing original material produced by ebaum’s world." | |
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| "My daddy doesn’t like me using the Internet ever since I told him that docking isn’t just for ships anymore." |
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| "It doesn’t matter what we eat as long as it is hot, wet, and regurgitated directly from mommy’s mouth down my gullet." |
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| "Iron rations fortify me for the adventure ahead!" | |
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| "I think I would like to go to Chuck-E-Cheese because it’s in a really upscale neighborhood with an implied ‘whites only’ policy." |
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| "The best meal I ever ate was with Bill the policeman and he took me to McDonalds because my mommy was injecting anti-freeze and making me sleep in a box of used diapers." | |
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| "I only eat things that I track and kill with my sling. Yesterday I did fling true and fell three Hot Pockets and a Spiderman Lunchable." |
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| "I love the Bible because its pages are very non-abrasive and do not aggravate my daddy’s hemorrhoids." |
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| "I’m only halfway through it but 'I Am Charlotte Simmons' proves that Tom Wolfe still has his finger to the pulse of a youth culture that exists only in his imagination." | |
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| "I read transcripts of NBC’s 'Nightline' in a falsetto and pretend that Ted Koppel is a dashing Russian spy come to take me away from the drudgery of my life as a bored housewife. " |
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| "The novelization of 'Club Dread' perfectly captures the pathos of Broken Lizard’s sophomore masterpiece." | |
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| "I exclusively read propaganda leaflets dropped over my apartment block. My favorite is the one with the cartoon showing me how to surrender to a helicopter." |
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| "Unless all of television is exaggerating things I’m fairly certain that mankind faces total annihilation by tsunamis at any moment." |
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| "The tragic dearth of new ‘Mucha Lucha’ episodes." | |
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| "Elvis Presley’s lurid gyrations might agitate sex-addled teens to the point of rebellion." |
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| "I’m not sure who it is now but SOMEONE is taking our jobs." | |
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| "Black magic and how it might be harnessed to power our cities." |
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I hope you have enjoyed the wisdom of these wisecracking kids. Hopefully I will be able to convince Mrs. Klinger to let me stop by again soon.
– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)
