Merry Fucking Christmas

You know, I was really hoping to have this Christmas off for a change. I've spent a lot of time on my last couple updates, instead of just copying and pasting the latest Maddox rant about his overpriced socks. My family misses me so, and I promised them this year that I would not let them down and bring home the biggest Christmas ham I could find. My little stillborn baby, Timothy, has never seen snow before, or anything else, because he is a wrinkled dead prune, but I promised that I would be there for him and help him open his gifts. When I asked Lowtax if I could perhaps take Christmas off to spend with my family, he screamed "You asshole!" and told me that Something Awful was my only real family now. He also told me that he holds my soul in a handcrafted clay jar that he wears around his neck and if I cause trouble, he can have me killed with one phone call because Internet webmasters are like Mafia dons but with allergies. So here I am, sitting alone in the Something Awful Internet factory on Christmas day, all alone and hungry. I'm so hungry that all I can think about is food, and as such, I think that will be my topic for today, my very special holiday recipes.

These recipes have been passed down for generations in my family ever since the day my forefathers rose from their archaic underwater kingdom in a queer New England port to breed with the surface folk. Gathering the ingredients may be a hard task for some, especially if you were raised with morals, but the results are well worth the effort. Also I have included a ton of Christmas pictures to pretend that this a cheery time full of mirth instead of a cold, desolate, meaningless existence celebrating an orgy of capitalism, while pretending to be about the birth of a spiritual leader who would denounce Tickle Me Elmo as the 2nd coming of the golden cow. I'm totally raging against the machine in my cubicle over here. Let's make some cookies!

Metrosexual Gingerbread Men

Ingredients:
4 eggs
1 cup of flour
3 tablespoons of sugar
1 cup of milk
2 cups of freshly squeezed semen

With the popularity of gay people these days, it's no wonder that this would be reflected in Christmas recipes. This is an old recipe that has been updated to reflect the changing times of gender roles in our society. Now men are being goaded to drop the macho attitude and use hair gel. These once bland gingerbread men are now brimming with a sassy attitude that says "I have a terrible case of HIV but look fabulous!" But I kid the gay community, they are good folks. These delicious little tarts are perfect for dipping or just for decoration.

Pookiecrisp

Ingredients:
10 large pig ears
2 cups of flour
1 cup of powdered sugar
2 vats of cooking oil
4 grams of PCP
5 nests of suckling shrews
A partridge in a pear tree

Pookiecrisp has been around for generations, and it is said that George Washington himself saved the 10th American regiment from starving to death during the battle of Harrisburg by feeding his men Pookiecrisp. Not only did it fill the stomach, but it emboldened the spirit and turned the men into killing machines, routing the British and winning the war. Too much Pookiecrisp can have an adverse effect on you, so you have to show some restraint when partaking of some on the holidays, unless you are engaged in a life and death struggle and need something to give you an extra edge over your adversary. It may cause you to foam at the mouth and/or devour the flesh of other humans. If you are going to have some Pookiecrisp this holiday, take precautions and chain yourself to a chair while somebody you trust keeps a shotgun trained on you until the effects have passed. But beware, Pookiecrisp also boosts the intellect and it may just be a trick to get you to undo the chains. If you have any doubt, shoot first and ask questions later.

Hellfire Eggnog

Ingredients:
10 eggs
10 nogs
1 bottle of Hot Damn liquor
1 teaspoon of nutmeg
8 habanero green peppers
A bag of pancake mix

This is a very stout eggnog that is not for the weak of heart. Lesser men have tempted the eggnog and have been removed from the gene pool by natural selection. This special holiday eggnog has the zing from south of the border, without all the burning during urination. It is illegal to produce in 48 states, so beware. Also doubles as a drain cleaner.

Internet Soup

Ingredients:
Boiled water
Alphabet noodles
A stillborn fetus

This is a classic homemade recipe that is simple, yet delectable. Internet soup takes the old style “stillborn fetus soup” ingredients, but adds the flair of real letters and numbers, just like the real Internet. This is one of God’s blunders that is not only delicious, but educational. Do not try to plug this into a wall socket, trust me.

The Lonely Man’s Spread

Ingredients:
A case of Papst Blue Ribbon
Sack of 10 White Castle Hamburgers
Box of large Cheez-Its
Box of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes

Are you horribly alone? Have you been scorned by a lover, or are you horribly maimed from Vietnam shrapnel? If so, this is just the recipe for you. Why put all the effort into slaving over an oven if it's just going to be you and the spirits of those you wronged sitting at the dinner table? Run around the town gathering these ingredients, and you will have a Christmas feast fit for a king! Sure, the crushing depression of the holidays is that much harder when you are all alone, with nobody to love you or pour gravy in your mouth, but try to forget all that for just one magical evening of Christmas spirit and sliders. There is nothing like starting a brand new year with a purged colon.

That’s all I have for you folks on this fine Christmas day. If you are reading this right now, you should be ashamed that you are on the Internet on the day baby Jesus was born. One day you will learn the true meaning of Christmas, and that is “Chufflebells”. I better get Easter off or I'm gonna send e-mails to the fair labor commission and PETA. So from all of us here at the Something Awful workshops (except Livestock because he's a satanist), have a Merry Christmas!

– Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz