Clash Of The Made-For-TV Movies

The major television networks are locked in an eternal battle, producing sitcoms, reality shows and medical/crime dramas to match up against nearly identical programs with varying levels of sass on other networks. The battlefield shifts in favor of one side or another on a nightly basis, but no one ever comes close to total victory or defeat. For fans of conflict and good analogies, it's underwhelming.

Thankfully, a full scale nuclear holocaust has broken out on cable. Desperate to get their hands on advertising dollars from get-rich-quick real estate schemes and adult hotlines, USA and Sci-Fi have been pitting their very best original movies against one another late at night.

If you're reading this website, it's pretty safe to assume that you don't have a job to report to on weekday mornings or a significant other to lure you away from the television. Why not take a look at this week's programming and take part in the atrocities before they're over?

Monday, July 28th - 1:00 A.M.

Killflash Summary: When a CIA operative (Steven Seagal) goes rogue to find his partner's murderers, he stumbles across a terrorist plot to derail into the White House, then detonate a nuclear bomb. Highlight: Dressed in black, Steven Seagal stands still as a procession of terrorists kick and punch at his upraised forearms until he counterattacks with a lazy karate chop.

Dragon Conflict: Mars Zone Summary: It's 2098. Our first off-world colony has been established on Mars. We think we're alone... until the dragons attack! Highlight: The main characters (a chauvinist hotshot, an attractive woman, and a heroic nerd) wander around aimlessly as a red-tinted monster cam teases a dragon attack that doesn't come until the last five minutes of the movie. When said attack finally happens, it's just a cgi dragon that lunges at the camera followed by a shot of someone falling down.

Tuesday, July 29th - 11:30 P.M.

Dead Cold Summary: When a Canadian mountie (Steven Seagal) goes rogue to find a gang of caribou rustlers, he stumbles across a terrorist plot to kill his partner. Highlight: Dressed in black mountie gear, Steven Seagal lumbers toward a group of uzi-wielding terrorists who forget to shoot at him, then pushes them down on the ground one by one.

Gorgonzola Meltdown Summary: A group of U.S. border patrol agents are in for more than they bargained for when Mexicans begin to rise from the dead and shamble toward America, hungering for our brains and jobs. Highlight: Dennis Hopper's cameo as a palm reader who tells a zombie customer, "According to this line, you died two weeks ag-AAAAAH!"

Wednesday, July 30th - 2:30 A.M.

Attack Force Summary: When a strike force commander (Steven Seagal) loses his entire squad to a seemingly random attack, he stumbles on a curb and falls down. Highlight: Dressed in black, Steven Seagal sits in a shadowy car and stares straight ahead for half the film while other people advance the plot.

Heatstroke Summary: She's an ex-model. He's an elite commando. They're going to solve global warming - by stopping the aliens who are causing it! Highlight: The explanation of the aliens' master plan, lifted word-for-word from The Arrival but spoken by a robotic dog.

Thursday, July 31st - 1:00 A.M.

Justice Mercenary Summary: When a cop who plays by his own rules (Steven Seagal) discovers that his partner has committed suicide, he embarks on a journey to kill every ghost in the world. Highlight: Dressed in black, Steven Seagal punches and kicks the ghost of Anne Frank as an abandoned factory explodes around them.

Tremors 5: Spaceshock Summary: Just when the residents of Perfection, Nevada think it's safe to walk on surfaces other than solid rock, a Graboid from the past burrows a time-space wormhole under their town, creating an interdimensional gateway for Graboids from other time periods and universes to invade the present. Highlight: Michael J. Fox stepping through the wormhole in his classic Back To The Future outfit, lifting his shades and immediately being eaten by a Graboid.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)