The major television networks are locked in an eternal battle, producing sitcoms, reality shows and medical/crime dramas to match up against nearly identical programs with varying levels of sass on other networks. The battlefield shifts in favor of one side or another on a nightly basis, but no one ever comes close to total victory or defeat. For fans of conflict and good analogies, it's underwhelming.
Thankfully, a full scale nuclear holocaust has broken out on cable. Desperate to get their hands on advertising dollars from get-rich-quick real estate schemes and adult hotlines, USA and Sci-Fi have been pitting their very best original movies against one another late at night.
If you're reading this website, it's pretty safe to assume that you don't have a job to report to on weekday mornings or a significant other to lure you away from the television. Why not take a look at this week's programming and take part in the atrocities before they're over?
Monday, July 28th - 1:00 A.M.
Killflash
Highlight: Dressed in black, Steven Seagal stands still as a procession of terrorists kick and punch at his upraised forearms until he counterattacks with a lazy karate chop. | ![]() | Dragon Conflict: Mars Zone
Highlight: The main characters (a chauvinist hotshot, an attractive woman, and a heroic nerd) wander around aimlessly as a red-tinted monster cam teases a dragon attack that doesn't come until the last five minutes of the movie. When said attack finally happens, it's just a cgi dragon that lunges at the camera followed by a shot of someone falling down. |
Tuesday, July 29th - 11:30 P.M.
Dead Cold
Highlight: Dressed in black mountie gear, Steven Seagal lumbers toward a group of uzi-wielding terrorists who forget to shoot at him, then pushes them down on the ground one by one. | ![]() | Gorgonzola Meltdown
Highlight: Dennis Hopper's cameo as a palm reader who tells a zombie customer, "According to this line, you died two weeks ag-AAAAAH!" |
Wednesday, July 30th - 2:30 A.M.
Attack Force
Highlight: Dressed in black, Steven Seagal sits in a shadowy car and stares straight ahead for half the film while other people advance the plot. | ![]() | Heatstroke
Highlight: The explanation of the aliens' master plan, lifted word-for-word from The Arrival but spoken by a robotic dog. |
Thursday, July 31st - 1:00 A.M.
Justice Mercenary
Highlight: Dressed in black, Steven Seagal punches and kicks the ghost of Anne Frank as an abandoned factory explodes around them. | ![]() | Tremors 5: Spaceshock
Highlight: Michael J. Fox stepping through the wormhole in his classic Back To The Future outfit, lifting his shades and immediately being eaten by a Graboid. |
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