THOSE HARD TACKLES WILL BRING YOU BITTER DAYS

Hello friends here are some pictures from my my time off! This was taken when I went to visit fellow teammate #46 and tuck him in!

I've got some bad news my teammates in Team America! Your good buddy #86 has hit the ground so hard that it's plum fallen out from under him (HUT HUT HUT (THAT'S ME, I'M #86!!!)!!!)!!! Now I've struggled hard and fast with all my God-given might to do the best job I can do on the field and for my country, but in my private time, my me time, I've fumbled big! HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT OH BOY OH BOY!

Friends, I had the great misfortune of tearing my hamstring recently! Normally #86 (THAT'S ME!) would say, "I'm no puppet pulled by hamstrings, 110% I'll give! HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HIKE!" and forge ahead like the trooper I am! But Coach, always generous and wise like an owl with a degree in intelligence, said it was best for me to get some rest and let the other boys have some fun. I guess I was working so hard nobody else was getting a chance to work! After Coach assured me taking time off wasn't communist, I agreed! If anything, it was a chance for me to hit the books and see the sights I had taken for much granted! That's where my trouble begins, friends, because I had never had free time to spend on myself! Always give is my motto! That's what Jesus did, and that's what America does every day to honor Jesus!

My terrible problem begins when I had to go buy some groceries. Poor old me had never cooked before, so I sought to remedy that by cooking with 110% of my focus and energy. When it came time to pay for my hardy food purchases, I discovered that a universe of riches had exploded in my wallet! I never paid attention to the money I earned, but I had earned an awful lot! Suddenly I realized I was rich! Can you imagine your old friend #86 as a wealthy gentleman? It's a silly sight, since I'm such an athletic figure. I'm built to tackle, not to spend! I'm wealthy in spirit and ability to play football, and that's all I needed to be wealthy in!

Friends I did not mean for this picture to be included! Please look away this is a mistake!

At first I thought I would donate all my money to charity, but then I realized I'd be doing them an awfully big disservice! Nobody deserves a handout without earning it, not even orphans! A funny little fact about your friend #86 is that he never knew his real parents. That's right, I grew up a foster child! HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT ORPHAN ANNIE 32 BLUE HIKE! Then Coach said to me, "You've earned that money, #86. It's yours to spend! Take a vacation, buy a new car maybe. Live it up!" I never knew Coach to be wrong, so I set out to spend my hard earned money and support this good and free economy that God has seen fit to bless America with!

I give 110% at everything, but it turns out you're not supposed to do that when it comes to spending money! Nobody told old #86 that, and he sure made a royal fool of himself in the grand hall of fools! I spent everything I had, even all the copper coins haunted by the ghost of our great and true friend in history, Mr. President Abe Lincoln! It's hard to believe I could fail at anything, especially something so important! I've tried to be a moral man, honest friends! I believe fully a man should carry his morals like he carries a football: tightly like a newborn baby. Then when he makes it through hard times, he slams that football hard into the ground and does a dance. I let go of that football before I ever got to the end zone. Now I have to dance in shame. HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HIKE!

So I can clear my conscience and regain your trust, I'm going to tell you everything I spent my money on! Follow my example on the field, but don't follow my example in the playing field of economics! You'll get sidelined good if you do!

Hello again, it's me #86! This picture was taken when I went for one of my nightly walks! I love night walks!

48 RARE SEA TORTOISES

I'm very fascinated by the secrets of the deep blue sea! It was only natural for me to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars buying and importing rare deep-sea tortoises to my private estate. I admire these hardened beasts, since they're built to withstand tackling just like me! I spent a lot of time rehabbing my hamstring by sparing with these tortoises in my back yard. Let me tell you, when it comes to tackling tortoises, there is no margin for error! I kept myself in good physical shape by doing this. Of all my expenses, buying rare sea tortoises to tackle was the most practical and sound.

PRIVATE JET STAFFED COMPLETELY BY CHEERLEADERS

When I took to traveling, I wanted to be reminded of my true home - the gridiron! Naturally I bought myself a modest surplus C-5 Galaxy cargo plane and had it decorated to look like my home field! Even the cockpit seats were lined with Astroturf! My biggest mistake was in hiring cheerleaders to staff my flying stadium of so many tackles. It turns out they were good at motivating me in the big games, but not at flying planes! Three cheers for emergency crash landing! HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HOORAY HIKE!!!! Though my plane crashed, everybody gave 110% to surviving! I hope to get this expense wiped from my debt because my pilot, a lovely lady named Dallas, did not give 110% to keeping the plane airborne. It's only fair it comes out of her wallet.

FINANCING A TRIPLE DISC "SUPER BOWL SHUFFLE" CONCEPT ALBUM

If there is one song that embodies everything glorious about life, it is the "Super Bowl Shuffle" by my friends the Chicago Bears. While I tackle those Bears very often, I know that I will never be able to tackle the catchiness of their incredible tune of triumph! I liked this song so much I bought the rights to it and then financed an album exploring what it would be like if it was me who won that Super Bowl and was shuffling instead of them. The album ended up being three hours and let me tell you, #86 hit some high notes and some low notes, but not a lot of fan interest. I spent millions making this record that turned my 110% attitude into a musical celebration of great power! I think the fans just weren't seeing enough of me on the field, and so they didn't know to buy my album! I guess I can't blame them for not giving 110% support to the team and especially its players who are recouping from a hamstring catastrophe, but it sure would have been nice for them to do for me what I do every day for them! HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT SUPPORT THE TEAM HIKE!

Finally I get some time to relax in this picture! But now it's back to work! FOOTBALL SHAPED SWIMMING POOL FILLED WITH SOLID GOLD

I've carried a lot of footballs in my day, from footballs made of leather to footballs containing nuclear codes for the president, so I thought it would be a real HUT HUT HUT HOOT to have a swimming pool shaped like a football. I sure needed a place to keep my 48 tortoises anyway! Well, once that was done, I realized I still had a lot of money left. I'm nobody's idiot, I'll tell you that! Old Roosevelt may have taken our gold away, but he wasn't here to take it from me now! I decided to invest my money in a sound future by having the swimming pool filled to the brim with solid gold! Unfortunately #86 was crash landing in his plane the day the men came by to fill the pool up, and I forgot to leave a note for them to move the tortoises! I sure made a mistake there, since I tackled my shelled friends for good underneath a mammoth, all-encompassing solid gold offense!

Although it was me, your friend #86, who made the mistakes of spending his money like a waterfall, I still can't help but feel a little bit of teamwork would have made my investments pay off! But if Coach taught me one thing, it's to take responsibility and be a man! I was fast with my money but not fast enough to outrun bankruptcy! Old #86 will just have to work 120% now on and off the field! I'll see you in the big game, and also at Egmont Dodge, where champs like me come to buy our cars! Egmont Dodge has the latest 2003 and 2004 cars out for sale at the lowest prices! Mention me and put no money down! I'll be out there on Tuesday for the Egmont Dodge Annual Auto Fair! Come get your picture taken with a real athlete and drive away in a brand new car! HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT AUTO SAVINGS HIKE!!!

It's a Massacre, Man

Hey pardners and pardnettes, Taylor "Psygnosis" Bell here with a review of a shitty Doom ripoff with elements of a shitty Max Payne ripoff! I speak (reluctantly) of the demo of the upcoming megahit, Demon Massacre.

Be warned that in its own highly retarded way, this introductory text is telling you the truth. This definitely will not be an easy mission, mostly because the "demons and other things" were smart enough to move into a small futuristic disco club with glowing walls, ensuring that any human being who entered would last about ten seconds before his eyeballs decided to give up and detonate. I'm guessing the guy who made this game was a raver, because only a lifelong addiction to esctasy could possibly make someone create a game that looks like someone swallowed a bucket of rainbow chiclets and ran around puking on all the walls.

That sounds absolutely massacriffic! Don't delay, read the review today!

– #86/#68 (@Livestock)