THE ELUSIVE DOG - I have only seen him twice in the past year. I don't remember much about him, but I think he's brown and white. Would love to trade for a more ambient dog. 555-7625
Celebrities are just like us, appearing in public right before our prying peepers. That's where our hungry-eyed star-spotters catch 'em unawares. Lights! Camera! Look!
By the time I finished inflating this thing, I was too tired to use it. This is just like real dates. Women wear you down making you jump through so many hoops, then you are simply too exhausted and sad to continue. The pump should be free.
I've got terrible news for you idiots. You're all going to lose your jobs. Your children are going to starve and die slowly in front of your eyes. Your whole world is going to end. If half of you make it through the day without committing suicide, I'd be shocked.
FREE HUSKY DOG - Not to be confused with "Siberian Husky." This overweight Corgi is too embarrassing to take out in public. No longer fits in any of the expensive sweaters I purchased for him. Sweaters not included. 555-8092
People can't stop talking about this Donald Trump character. He's said a lot of crude and hateful things over the years, and demonstrated a tremendous lack of judgment, discipline and decency. If you ask me, he's not fit to be our president. In fact, he's not even fit to be mayor of Buffoontown.
TREEHOUSE FOR RENT with wonderful, unavoidable views of my bedroom window, where I prance around fully nude. Ideal tenant is beautiful woman attracted to plus-sized men. $250/month. 555-7262
DOPPELGANGER NEEDED - To minimize stress to my dog, I'm looking for somebody who is identical to me to take over ownership. Must also be able to fool my wife. Call to set up interview. 555-8252
Tensions are mounting as Shaggy Butte's thirstiest gulpers have been hung out to dry. The Rug Emporium, home of the town's most popular fountain, has been taken over by foreign invaders.
REFORMED HOG - Former member of the swine family, has now agreed to behave like a proper dog. Free to patient home willing to overlook physical defects. 555-2519
Video games like Car Chess, Bear Escape Arena, Just Us Hogs, Get Back Here 2, Travel Agency and Yelling! are all the rage these days, thanks to amazing graphics and irresistible action. But did you know that their existence is no mere accident? Every game is actually created by skilled professionals in a laboratory setting.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
EXCITING PUP-ORTUNITY – we have puppies galore, all needing homes. They just keep spilling out, with no end in sight. Hundreds to choose from, in all manner of repair. Claim yours! 555-2915
11:30AM - Rumpus Men Kevin and Jeremy prove anything is possible when they turn a cemetery into a beautiful rumpus room just in time for a wedding.
BACK FROM THE GRAVE – We've been trying to bury our dog ever since it ate all of grandma's ashes. Now it's back, and barks and growls just like grandma did. Please buy this dog and kill it for good. $250 555-2515
May has been a trying month for Shaggy Butte's resident fountain fanatics. Drought restrictions have resulted in many popular fountains running dry, and penny-pinching businesses have cut back on fountain upkeep. In the end, many once-promising bubblers are now serving up some truly sour sips.
This is your typical consumer model throne. If you just want a cheap prop, it's fine. If you want to actually sit like a king, pony up the cash and get yourself a prosumer model. This entry level stuff is more for a duke or baron at best.
SLED DOG TEAM plucked from the arctic. These experienced and tireless dogs pull me around town in a shopping cart, which is apparently illegal. Trading entire bundle for a gently used van. 555-1924
Here is what I stand before you to declare: I am disgusted beyond all measure by the growing abundance of small dogs in the world. This vile plague has been spreading from Europe and the Orient with increasing potency.
That newspaper article is paying off big time. I just got off the horn with a man I've never met: my father. He recognized my photo in the paper and wants to come here and meet me. I want every last one of you working twice as hard cleaning this place up. My dad is coming tomorrow, and I want Bear Cave Soup to look like a million bucks.
For all the attention and buzz virtual reality is getting right now, you would think it something entirely new. The truth is it's been around for decades. Only now is the technology catching up with the dream.
RETIRED HAMHOUND – German bred and trained, skilled at tracking lost or stolen hams, cooked, frozen or in between. Has saved many holiday meals and aided police in countless cases. Gentle, friendly, healthy and professional. Comes with many civic awards. 555-9285
It was love at first sight when I first glimpsed the Parisian Poodle Serving Table, which seemed the perfect complement to my home. Unfortunately, that very same home was taken from me when the tunnels I was digging underneath collapsed, causing the entire structure to be condemned.
COLORFUL TUBED DOG - Our morbidly obese bulldog Windsor got stuck in one of those colorful obstacle course tubes. It's already grafted to her skin. Tube is about 10 feet long and neon orange. Put food in front end of tube, shake out other end over dumpster. 555-3318
MURDERERS APPLY - Join the most ruthless and ill-defined group in the Commonwealth. We Gunners aim to kill and occupy the whole dang wasteland. All applicants shot on sight, so come prepared to die.
WHAT a RIPOFF!!!!! You can get the same effect by smiling at the sun for a few hours every day, which is what I do. Guess what, bucko? The Sun is 100% free, delivered to your front door every day.
YOUNG AND USELESS - Meek dog lacks the age and experience necessary for the grim task at hand. Will trade for a dog unshackled from morality, and willing to do what needs to be done. 555-1299
Even when you picked up too many laser guns, so many that you could barely move and then spent five minutes carefully discarding individual pieces of garbage from your pockets -- all while I fought our enemies with little hope of survival -- you showed phenomenal fortitude.
From now on, you're going to do exactly what I say, and only what I say. I am the only one here who knows what we're up against. We're on the razor's edge here, inches away from the King Frog Scenario. In case you idiots failed Soup History 101, that's what brought down so many of the greats.
Best thing I've ever done was buy a set of these and set them up in place of our old TV. Now my family and I spend two solid hours of prime time every night looking them over from across the living room. We're having a lot more fun and best of all...no more arguing over the remote!
FULLY SPOTTED DOG - My attempts to remove the spots from a Dalmatian completely backfired, and now I have a useless dog that is all spots and nothing else.
It's been a painful month thus far for Shaggy Butte's steadfast sippers. While a few fountains have shown great promise, such as the VFW Hall's new fountain, many are pumping out plenty of disappointment. Unless you've simply gotta try 'em all, keep your thirst away from these certified diarrhea hydrants.
Works great as a family penalty box. Break a rule: that's an hour in the crate, buddy. No exceptions. I have purchased 4 and all are currently occupied 24/7 by my awful, rowdy sons.
VILE RASPUTIN-LIKE PUG - Gnarly facial hair and long nails that drag across the floor. Ceaseless wet cough. Glass-eyed gaze. Menacing giggle. Ideal for advanced owners only.
Not only are glass houses challenging to live in, they're also expensive. It cost me a fortune to hire a team of glass blowers to construct an entire ranch-style house out of pure glass. You should be criticizing me for that, not me throwing a stone.
TECHNICALLY A DOG - I have expertly subdivided a horse to create what is, scientifically speaking, a dog. I have done this 10 times before and plan to keep doing it forever!!! $400. 555-2466
RETIRED BLOODHOUND is docile and intelligent, but still determined to catch the serial murderer who got away. If he picks up the scent, just roll with it. 555-8172
Can't tell a drinking fountain from a urinal? We've got you covered. Brush up on your drinking fountain enthusiast -- or sipper -- vocabulary and learn to talk and swap sips with the best of them.
I just became aware of this Alice Cooper creep. Apparently this clown is putting on some kind of rock show over at the arena. I don't care for him, his music, his appearance, his attitude or any part of his act. It's disgusting. As of today, he's banned from the premises.
A fitting tribute to Crabnar, our Lord and Savior from the Briny Depths below. I shall pray always to this altar, and make sacrifices worthy of His Succulence.
SUPPRESSIVE DOG is overburdened with body thetans and refuses to cooperate with my attempts to audit him. I have no choice but to disconnect from him and adopt a better dog. 555-1294
The perfect addition to my living room. The hardy resin exterior is fantastic, because I can just hose it down to remove all the raccoon dung that tends to accumulate.
Does not handle moisture well. When I took it in the shower, it didn't take long before I got a really nasty shock and then smoke started coming out. This clearly was not engineered to withstand normal wear and tear.
WHEEZING WHIPPETS What we have is 7 genuine whippet dogs, all dangerously out of breath from me chasing them around the Wal-Mart parking lot with a chainsaw. A mere $50 apiece. 555-1239
Once again I'm stuck with a useless egg man statue and nobody to tend to my robust physical and emotional needs. Worst of all, the egg man didn't even come with a stool. I have to share my recliner and bed with him, and he is not sensitive to my needs at all.
If you recognize the dog in the picture, then we have a big security breach. I personally banished this dog from the neighborhood, so if you saw him, that means he is trespassing and threatening our way of life.
Pros: Much more comfortable than my last toilet seat, which was a transparent resin with seashells embedded inside. The outer layer wore off from friction, exposing the sharp jagged edges of the seashells, which were constantly scrapping my backside and causing major cuts and open sores.
You won't find me or my social media team endorsing dangerous behavior. I will protect our children from deadly teen trends like cavemaning, where misguided youths freeze themselves in blocks of solid ice to earn internet cred.
This is the crown jewel of my erotic lamp collection, and a must-have for any serious pleasure lamp collector.
This dog is no good. How do I know? Guess who spent six hours following this dog around town with a loaded gun. I would have kept following him, and maybe even put him down, but somebody called the SWAT team on me.
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