Beethoven's 2nd

At a Glance: I don't even think it takes more than a glance to see that this game is going to be terrible. Think of all the great animal movies. Try real hard. Push your fingers to the sides of your head and go "la la la summoning great thoughts." Pause. Now, did "Air Bud" or one of those movies where the monkey plays a sport come into your head? This is the exact reason why I've chosen "Beethoven's 2nd" as the subject of today's RomPit.

Platform: SNES (Download Emulator here - 192k)

Download: Download ROM here - 64k

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Game Plot: I absolutely refuse to watch the movie that this game is affiliated with. I don't care how much I'm paid, how many death threats I get, or the dazzling 11% review the movie got on rotten tomatoes. I'm not watching it. For my own amusement, I'm including my own story and giving this game a -10:

Beethoven fell out of Bill and Ted's time machine, the spatial distortions caused by such a problem brought him into the 20th century as a Saint Bernard. Beethoven, being Beethoven, did not take long to fall in love with another dog. Little did he know it yet another composer that had undergone the same strange circumstances he had. Mozart and Beethoven soon had four puppies, all of which were stolen and placed randomly throughout the world. Beethoven vowed he would not rest until he rescued their. The end.

The game is divided into two parts: acquiring the puppies and then returning them to their ugly mother. The first part requires very tediously timed jumps and long range barks while you hide from your enemies. The second part requires tediously timed jumps, putting the puppy down, and long range barks while you hide from your enemies. The variety is staggering.

I also have to note that the puppy you have to cart around in the second half of the levels is invincible. Couldn't I at least be given the option of being able to throw this puppy around like a boomerang or use it as a shield?

Enemies: Apples and platforms. Other enemies exist but nothing in this game murders your canine warrior so badly as apples. Have you ever heard some faint scratching on your backyard door? Then you open the door to see your beloved Scruffy, bruised, leg broken and whimpering softly - apple wounds spotting its' back like machine-gun fire? Or perhaps you've noticed nature's more silent killer, the platform. Never has humankind seen such violent killers. Floating innocently over deadly pits. How many dogs have a lost to these murderers? I cannot count. No seriously, I was never taught how to count.

The second greatest enemy in this game is no doubt the sound. Imagine, if you will, be serenaded by the works of Beethoven in full SNES sound as you traverse this wonderous gameland. Then add the almost constant barking of a 16-bit poodle on top. If this is the type of way we are expected to treat our greatest composers then don't be surprised to soon see a Chopin high-intensity plunger and a full set of Wagner sex toys. Both will, no doubt, be a big hit at parties.

Weapons: Your bark. No bite. You also have the ability to shake water off of yourself at such great velocity that it causes everything around you to die. Never expect to find water or be able to use this move. Since the second half of the game has you holding onto a god-puppy, you are paralyzed and cannot use your weapons until you put it down. The most affective strategy is to put your puppy down immediately and let it run around next to a fire while you try to deal with lions or dart-shooting maniacs. This is natural dog behavior so don't be alarmed if you spot your basset hound shoving it's young into your fireplace. It's just nature. Sit back and admire the beauty.

Levels: There are basically four levels like there are four elements: earth, wind, water, and suburbia. You must travel through them in order to achieve what you desire. Should you fail to overpower the earth, falter in the face of wind, drown in the body of water, or crack under the mind-bending boredom of suburbia, you will feel the shame of a thousand failures. Once you have defeated it once, you must do so again with puppy in mouth. I'm sure there is a strip club by this name somewhere but I didn't feel like pulling out the phonebook.

The best thing going for this game is how short it is when cheating like a bastard with save states. I, however, believe even the smallest things can have a great impression on the human mind. Like a piece of shrapnel flying away from the wreckage of my car as I drive it straight into this game developer's wall.

Bosses: None that I could find, but this game was only four stages long so that's pretty bossin'.

Defining Moment: Murdering myself on a picket fence at the beginning of the game. Murdering myself by sliding off of platforms. Murdering myself by running straight into enemies. Murdering myself by not being able to put down my puppies fast enough to fight the enemies. Murdering myself.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Kevin "The Goblin" Wilson