Time Diver Eon Man

Tim E. Diver travels back in time to tell someone they're gonna get laid.Story: Long ago in the ancient past of 1993, five years after the groundbreaking invention of the cordless telephone, history would be made. Members of the evil organization "Romedrux"attacked Dan Nelson on an empty LA street. It was rush hour, so Dan hardly noticed the space age weaponry and flying pedestals. After fifteen blocks of being chased and shot at with laser weapons Dan knew something was up.

A well placed beam made Dan drop his burrito he was about to give up hope. Then a man jumped out of nowhere and punched everyone really hard. Only expecting a carefully drafted letter of complaint in MLA format, the assailants were caught off guard and ran away to their time mommies.

"Cool shades, dude from the future. Where did you get them from, the future?" asked Dan while he took a quick bite from his reacquired burrito.

"Sunglassesoverglasses.com!" said the future hero.

They became fast friends, but after an unsuccessful attempt at a toga party and a few nights on Dan's couch the guy from the future said he had stomach cramps and had to impart an important secret to Dan: He was going to get laid.

"But my girlfriend's a Presbyterian!" said Dan.

It doesn't matter, replied future guy. Your son is going to invite time diving, which is what I just totally did when I saved your burrito back there. It's also how I know you're going to agree to become the new time diver.

"Nuh uh." said Dan.

"If you don't then you'll never get laid." replied future dude.

Donning the time diver armor, future dude gave Dan a crash course on time diving with a few artful euphemisms and a "she's got big hooters" gesture. The advanced technology of the future required little more explanation than that. And, kicking him out the door, future guy introduced to the world it's new Time Diver Eon Man, Dan Nelson: defender of thyme and spice.

Gameplay: I'm going to stop pretending you're in diving school now. Just as man is drawn to the dualities to segregate the confusing and numerous infinities about them, in Time Diver Eon Man you can either punch things or not. For how much I hated this game I did have to admit that the amount of unpunchable things was surprisingly low. I am glad Taito worked hard to secure the god given right of every Time Diver to uppercut Eagles in order to save the timestream.

Punching is pretty much where the game stops. Powerups exist to shoot beams at your enemies to make them explode and do somersaults in dirt. After you save every single worthless wussy ancestor you've ever had they give you another equally useless powerup that you'll probably never use.

Does anyone playing video games honestly ever use power-ups on anything but the bosses? I know this is true, so why do so many developers give players powers that don't work on them? Is there some kind of list that game companies have that indicate how many special abilities a game should include and everyone gives up after "shoots fireball"?

Graphics: The only compliment I can give to the graphics are the graphical equivalent of the vague but never go so far away from it that you don't know what's going on. A rough, Frankenstein like zombie appears from a drop that falls from the ceiling. You can tell it's a creature, it's moving in your direction, and it has two legs and arms. It's a terribly sad state of affairs when your best graphics are surpassed by high schoolers drawing what they think a snail smoking a cigarette looks like.

Your armor shields you from time but can never shield you fragile ego.

Enemies: Terrible one punch enemies and bosses that shoot text at you or chop you with lightsabers.

Fun: The reasons for this game existing could be written on a grain of rice sliced in half horizontally.

Defining Moment: You know, I may be going pretty hard on a game that was never officially released. It got cut before it got pushed out and only circulates around the internet because of illegal copies and insider guys. But I remember seeing the article in Nintendo Power about this when I was younger. This game has a title sequence, ending, and barely any bugs. This either means that this game was so cheap to make that axing it near the end wasn't a huge loss or Taito had so much money they could waste it effortlessly. Either way this game exists, and to get that far without ever stopping to ask yourself if you're going to produce the game should be the only justification you need to remove people's voting and land owning rights.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Kevin "The Goblin" Wilson