April 22, 2014

Unable to join the X-Men because my mutation, the ability to tell how many times you've been fingered in a Honda Civic, wasn't "valuable"

— MattyTalks (@mattytalks) April 21, 2014

Jim Davis stuck in traffic with a suction cup Garfield watching him from the car ahead, the silent guard of a prison he created for himself

— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) April 20, 2014

I would say I am motivated 30% by love for my work, 10% by status anxiety, and 60% desire to spite an ex I haven't talked to in years

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) April 18, 2014

I just posted a song called "Hot Piss" by The Yellow River Boys on Facebook. Let's see how this goes.

— The Big Guy (@TSSteinbacher) April 18, 2014

1/4 of the stuff on my facebook is currently cartoons posted by a Serbian car repair shop. I can see why this company is worth billions

— Mikey Nicegood (@DinkMagic) April 18, 2014

Heaven Is For Real Is For Real • 2014 • Drama • 96 min • A young boy with bacterial meningitis sees an insanely shitty movie while in a coma

— stefan (@boring_as_heck) April 18, 2014

Guys with beards have the personality of a girl with bangs.

— Lauren Greenberg (@LaurenGreenberg) April 18, 2014

ZIZEK: It is only in this sense that Mr Devito and Mr Crystal "throw mama from the train." They have thrown mama from this train long before

— John V (@wettbutt) April 17, 2014

I don't know if you can be genetically predisposed to Twitter but my dad used to call radio stations to read political song lyrics he wrote.

— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) April 17, 2014

Imagine actually looking at the other person when you FaceTime

— lisa (@Squeeb_Slayer) April 16, 2014

[listening to joe rogan say that we're all people living on a fuckin rock in space and we should be cool to each other] oh my god, shit

— The Hot Take Man (@swarthyvillain) April 15, 2014

Finally set keyboard to British english. Favourite favourite Armour bollocks codswallop sarnie innit

— Ed Zitron (@edzitron) April 15, 2014

Cool name for god = "head writer of The Weather Channel"

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 15, 2014

JUst manscaped. Filled up a whole Walmart bag

— The Unagamer (@pr0spector88) April 15, 2014

All my tweets are carefully crafted to attract women and get me laid. It has never worked

— Hermit Thrush (@_Hermit_Thrush_) April 15, 2014

[clinks glass at wedding reception until everyone quiets down and i get up to give the best man toast] webster's dictionary defines irony as

— L Ǝ O И (@leyawn) April 14, 2014

I'm on the paleo diet, I only eat legumes and pussy

— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) April 14, 2014

Hey can I borrow a picture of Jesus? My parents are coming to visit.

— Kiki and the Rancor (@rancorcuddles) April 14, 2014

id like to report an error of the googleglass please. if you accidentally wear it backwards it sends video of a big horrible eye to everyone

— wint (@dril) April 14, 2014

"The titular jungle in "Jungle 2 Jungle" is actually found within Tim Allen's mind" - excerpt from essay that got me kicked out of college

— stefan (@boring_as_heck) April 14, 2014

One thing I've had trouble deciphering since I was 14: Are you interested in me or just talkative?

— J-Dubs (@Brotherwags) April 12, 2014

i stood over a roaring fire shirtless drinking beer for like 4 hours im exhausted

— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) April 12, 2014

a man just cat called me and i screamed at him I CAN COOK A BABY IN MY BODY i'm doing great

— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) April 12, 2014

Star Trek: life in a bad ass car Star Trek next generation: life with a bad ass dad Deep space 9: you live at the airport now

— Mikey Nicegood (@DinkMagic) April 12, 2014

*uses the NATO phonetic alphabet to spell out xXBLAZEBRO420Xx to the xbox customer service rep*

— Celebrity (@FamousCeleb) April 11, 2014

just finished assembling what i can only imagine is my coffee table's dick. i have no idea what i am building

— tinybaby (@tinybaby) April 11, 2014

Definition of the day: "the internet": basically a lot of complaining.

— Whiskey Rodriguez (@whiskeyish) April 10, 2014

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)