June 4, 2013

Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it's like wow those look cool but in person it's all omg what do I do

— Nick Toplass (@TitaniumToplass) May 30, 2013

The '90s? Yeah, I remember. Bosnia, Rwanda, Waco, Columbine... man.Tragic. ... Oh, you meant Sprite Remix. Yeah, that was LOL and Win.

— Alex Woodward (@alexwoodward) May 30, 2013

you can lead a horse to water, but what’s the point? it won’t bring your dad back. nothing will.

— lawblob (@lawblob) May 30, 2013

can't wait to be the mother who drops her 13 year old goth son off at the mall and I go to Sbarro and Macy's

— lisa frankenstein (@barf_bag_) May 30, 2013

Oh you play a game called Candy Crush on your phone cool I play a game called pussy crush in real life every fucking night

— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) May 30, 2013

im eating a handful of walnuts like im some kind of beloved horse

— Greg (@weedguy420boner) May 30, 2013

does anyone know a decent c++ library (MIT or LGPL licence if possible) that makes it so when you die in the game you die irl

— supermoof (@supermoof) May 30, 2013

I'll delete this tweet in the morning but I just spent 30 minutes applying for a job at Pizza Hut.

— Zoë Klar (@madamezooble) May 31, 2013

YELP SEARCH: whole fried turkey LOCATION: this!!! this fuckin time of night

— David Thorpe (@Arr) May 31, 2013

Is there a notification when someone forwards your tweet to their mom?

— Andrew B. (@assholevegan) May 31, 2013

Was there ever a Beach Boys song about a girl getting her hair tore off by a transmission belt or was that just a dream I had

— Rich Lowtax Kyanka (@lowtax) May 31, 2013

why did they start packaging gum in tiny briefcases

— Gil Ozeri (@gilozeri) May 31, 2013

I got so high I thought I was a dead hobbit

— Marlo Meekins (@MarloMeekins) May 31, 2013

Please try one of our region's traditional haircuts such as The Day Drinker or Tractor Accident.

— Ceej (@ceejoyner) June 1, 2013

Introduced "it's pasta my breadtime!!!" to my friend group and I just heard it shouted into the muggy night and I couldn't be prouder.

— kbridge (@kbridge) June 2, 2013

Don't worry son, Grandpa's gone off to that Great Bounce Castle in the Sky, to ruin some angel's birthday party

— Nick Ciarelli (@nickciarelli) June 2, 2013

can u prove that my custom vintage skeleton is not bela lugosi, robert smith of the cure??? #GothThrowdown

— BRASNON (@bransonbranson) June 2, 2013

"Let's perform for no one in an empty warehouse!" - bands in music videos

— elan gale (@theyearofelan) June 2, 2013

Bugs were stuck to my chest after my run which means 1) I'm v. fast or 2) The bugs thought"here's a large tree-like object we can live on"

— alyssa kramer (@kramediggles) June 2, 2013

i was promised awful, screaming cicadas by the millions. i am starting to think i busted out my CICADA MAN 2013 t-shirt for nothing.

— wint (@dril) June 2, 2013

sorry son. i failed. im a fail. i got owned on imgur. i dont know shit abour dr. who. the garbagemen are your new dads now

— ben errrrrrrrrrrrrrr (@MuscularSon) June 3, 2013

u look like a damn hoagie. Date me

— elle o reid (@elleoreid) June 3, 2013

I never even learned the names of the characters in FRIENDS yet you expect me to somehow follow this dragon incest show?

— matt (@biorhythmist) June 3, 2013

a zip line from the pizza place to my mouth

— Kyle Kinane (@kylekinane) June 3, 2013

Is Donnie Darko set in the '80s just for the stupid Star Search thing. come on

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) June 3, 2013

Ne-Yo stands for Need Yoghurt

— piss khalifa (@VIETNAMESEWOMAN) June 3, 2013

where. are. amanda. bynes. parents.

— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) June 3, 2013

tweeting while twitter is out is like birthing babies into a crowd of mannequins who will love them why can't I stop having babies

— Saragh Adams (@SaraghAdams) June 3, 2013

One of my biggest regrets is never having tried quualudes.

— molly (@Molly_Kats) June 4, 2013

sometimes I get so drunk to the point where I argue that Shaggy's "It Wasn't Me" is a perfect song.

— Alison Stevenson (@JustAboutGlad) June 4, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)