I just got a job at a place where everybody uses Twitter. The first day of work, everyone emailed their Twitter to everyone else and then tweeted about their email and then emailed to acknowledge their tweet. It was like being sucked into the slow and sickening churn of the world's largest intellectual toilet, lined with a stale ring of human waste in the form of 140 character dispatches from the world's most chronically premature circlejerk.

Twitter is one of the worst things the Internet has going for it right now. Another is fmylife.com (the kids call it "FML" I'm told) where people post short Twitter style updates about, and I quote, "moments of fail" from everday life. FML combines all the fresh and witty humor of 4chan catchphrases with the gripping narrative of a sixteen year old who is upset they have to drive Mom's minivan to high school and thus lose their suburban cred.

Today, the forum goon explore what Twitter might be like if it dispensed with all pretenses and embraced its true identity as yet another venue for discomfited white people to express their tepid and unremarkable concerns. If you for some reason missed life in a suburban high school, here's your chance to relive it!

Fortune Favors Diebold

I had to walk 15 minutes to get to the car today. #firstworldproblems


does god exist? this is very important.... #firstworldproblems

Fortune Favors Diebold

this salad doesnt have nearly enough asparagus tips in it. #firstworldproblems

Der Meister

Why is my classroom 10 degrees colder than outside?!?!? #firstworldproblems

Oxygen Frog

Dunkin Donuts coffee is really terrible. I should've gone to Starbucks #Firstworldproblems


Speciaty's stopped using sprouts on their sandwiches because of an FDA safety warning #firstworldproblems


my stomach really hurts from overeating at lunch #firstworldproblems

the black husserl

what the feck is happening in episode 26 of evangelion. #firstworldproblems


the chick looks hot in that racoon costume got damn #firstworldfurries


I live in a rootless ambivalent self-absorbed material culture with no sense of community, no strong indigenous traditions, and few positive role models. #firstworldproblems

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