December 17, 2013

need a woman to spend the night and pet me when i wake up out of nightmares like p diddy in the "can't nobody hold me down' video

— dark triad tweeter (@bIoach) December 16, 2013

Calm the fuck down, of course i planned for the fact that i am becoming more powerful legs wise. [hauls out bootcuts]

— cool buff man (@heynerditsme) December 16, 2013

i'm too big for bath tubs

— BRANSON (@bransonbranson) December 15, 2013

my period is late .

— Hermit Thrush (@_Hermit_Thrush_) December 15, 2013

"Judge says giant cross must be removed." Think I'll jump straight to the comments on this one

— St. Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) December 14, 2013

no not BMW, i said PMW. i meant there's going to be a brand new Problematic Male White in your garage when you get home. its me by the way

— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) December 14, 2013

Damn....upworthys headlines follow a certain formula that could be repurposed for humorous intent if you think about it

— Pube Goldmyrrh (@PubeGoldberg) December 14, 2013

Beyonce released a new album. Lorde released a new song. It's boot season. The white girl has never been stronger.

— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) December 13, 2013

classic sushi chef humor - sorry im out of rice and fish. just kidding hahah. check this out *methodically prepares several piece of sushi*

— John V (@wettbutt) December 13, 2013

coffee is the true mans drink.. But only if its black. are you putting cream and stuff like that in it? You must have a pussy with no balls

— Michael Hale (@dogboner) December 12, 2013

The amount of beers I drink is directly proportional to loudly I sing Santeria

— Steve Bottos (@steve_bo_toss) December 12, 2013

I wonder if birds look at planes and think man i've got to get to the gym

— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) December 12, 2013

*puffs e-cig* *does high-pitched voice* Hey who's the cool guy w the e-cig? *does low voice* Yeah good for him that's a healthy alternative!

— patrick (@tastefactory) December 12, 2013

when i was driving to work a guy pulled up next to me at an intersection, lowered his window and yelled "nice toy" at my car then sped off

— Khaled Mardam-Bey (@420WeedLord) December 12, 2013

god adjusts the parameters of the weak nuclear force, mumbling "I really hope in 14 billion years two dudes don't love each other"

— Ann Boobus (@a_girl_irl) December 11, 2013

*in a voice like the singer from Cake* We're building a toilet... we're making it bigger... we're going to fill it with hot lentil chili.

— The Fuck Turd (@Perfect_Beanis) December 11, 2013

In 8th grade, an older guy asked me to make orgasm noises on the phone with him while he yelled, "Unngh! I'm fuckin' my own fuckin' bed!"

— Lynn Bixenspan (@lynnbixenspan) December 11, 2013

fired from the UFC commentary team cause all i say is "these big boys love to roughhouse"

— Good Boy, Hot Takes (@SpookyMuscleman) December 11, 2013

i'm buying 6 frosted donuts and the 2-for-2 taquitos, does it LOOK like i want a receipt of this transaction, tyler at 7-11?

— Julia DeLois (@jdelwoo) December 11, 2013

some adults on this website list their favorite tv shows in their bio. thats all i got. im going to make chocolate milk now #ovaltine -spon

— deg (@degg) December 11, 2013

I love sandwiches! All kinds of sandwiches! Hoagies, subs, heroes--I love em! Oh, an app for my phone for grinders! This is perfec...oh god.

— Kyle Kinane (@kylekinane) December 9, 2013

What idiot called it "Duck Hunt" and not "Murder Most Fowl"

— Matt (@Cheesegod69) December 9, 2013

the real historical wario is being released from japanese prison island this week, everybody stay safe

— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) December 9, 2013

macklemore seems like a dude who reminds the audience to "drive safe" after the encore

— Kill Tim Faust (@crulge) December 8, 2013

had a skype job interview once where laptop battery died half way through, saw it coming but couldn't get up to get charger, no pants

— supermoof (@supermoof) December 8, 2013

I remember in 8th grade football, Mountain Dew Code Red was newer, and our linemen all drank it pregame and puked by halftime lol

— michael (@michaeljhudson) December 8, 2013

any time someone starts telling me about quinoa I freeze in place and slide out of reality like a glitching video game character

— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) December 7, 2013

When I scanned that QR code, I had no idea I was embarking on the greatest summer of my life

— Duncan Fyfe (@DuncanFyfe) December 7, 2013

i wonder how many people from my life i can get to start calling me Coach

— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) December 7, 2013

this method of picking up women is called "the cute baby elephant" *turns pockets inside out and pulls dick out of fly*

— deg (@degg) December 7, 2013

picture me, in a room full of hundreds of wind chimes in a black satin suit, now picture you.. smdh

— ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨ (@HotSugar) December 7, 2013

somebody is threatening to sue me because one of our forum members photoshopped a large butt onto his photo of a bird

— Rich Lowtax Kyanka (@lowtax) December 6, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)