December 31, 2013

I want to adopt a dog rescued from dogfighting, but only if it was a winner

— Virgil Xmas (@virgiltexas) December 20, 2013

im at the beach trying real hard to get my nip slip out there. no shutterbugs in sight. I have the whole titty out and it is very sandy

— Michael Hale (@dogboner) December 20, 2013

yet another holiday party ruined by sex carl getting too drunk. tis the season

— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) December 21, 2013

it's really funny how people get jobs at Buzzfeed and then start pretending it's good, there must be something in the contract about that

— 萌え et Chandon (@notveryraven) December 21, 2013

Driving my sled like a maniac with these sexy women reindeer leading the way......, Yeah baby

— COMPUTER_KID (@COMPUTER_KID) December 21, 2013

soon as she say horoscope u best b runnin

— yung turd (@yungturd) December 21, 2013

Fun prank: next time your friend asks you for a ride to the airport, give him a ride & then sleep with his girlfriend while he's gone.

— david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) December 21, 2013

my friends 16-year-old brothers friends wrote "bareback king" all over his parents minivan after he lost his virginity without a condom

— soccerbabe2003 (@realemilyattack) December 21, 2013

'You work at Subway, you bald-headed bitch' is a thing I just heard a lady wearing a Jason mask scream to the woman making her sub. #alabama

— Lauren Fontaine (@saidbylauren) December 22, 2013

whats better - the seinfeld tv show or the movie he made about a woman falling in love with a bee

— Jack Allison (@jackallisonLOL) December 22, 2013

I'll probably die in a car wash

— Rachel (@googleymoogley) December 23, 2013

the official guitar world forums are not ready for me to unleash 100% astral projection techniques to smoke up dimebag, rhoads, and hendrix

— erik h (@trash_eater_dog) December 23, 2013

many colleagues lecturing me that my linkedin profile pic is "unprofessional". It is a fucked up drawing of mega man

— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) December 24, 2013

it's that time of year again, gang and my gift to you.. is another year of great tweets, gags and content from me , the king of twitter!

— Michael Hale (@dogboner) December 24, 2013

Achievement Unlocked:Crisis Vaper. This user maintained or even elevated his vaping while local to a major humanitarian crisis

— The Hot Taker (@SpookyMuscleman) December 26, 2013

this parent teacher meeting has just taken a turn for the #epic now that we both realized the other is secretly eating a lady speed stick

— Mike Radowitz (@MikesRadTwites) December 28, 2013

I missed the opportunity to swing around my Old Fashioned around like a dipshit and say “im drinking a craft cocktail” like a thousand times

— jon 'T-Bone' tbone (@Ennui_Raver) December 28, 2013

When I go to a house party I calculate the carbon footprint and announce the total at midnight. I am not invited to parties anymore.

— ragtime piglet (@frolixo) December 28, 2013

open letter to cesar milan thanking him for not having sex with any of the dogs

— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) December 29, 2013

hhhhahha my friend sent me a snapchat of himself alone in a limo just saying woooooah im in a limousine woaaah

— jerry icy (@dangerousneil) December 29, 2013

My favorite part of hip fashion in the past few years was when dudes started wearing tiny lil Beavis shoes

— Helena Bottom-Farter (@solikebasically) December 29, 2013

my parents had 2 cats that were black named amos and andy and they gave one to my grandmother and she misunderstood so now they're both amos

— tinybaby (@tinybaby) December 29, 2013

i would be a lovable oaf were i large. as it is i inspire only pity and concern

— something something (@6thgrade4ever) December 29, 2013

ever since I installed the chili's app on my phone, I've been able to get great neighborhood deals and not have to sacrifice great taste

— mike (@FARTDAUGHTER) December 29, 2013

Ok, 12 Years A Slave, let's do this!!!!!!!!

— billy eichner (@billyeichner) December 29, 2013

If you see someone post some insanely dark shit on here like "this pain of life is unbearable" wait a couple hours b4 u unfollow to be safe

— Shed Shitley (@DinkMagic) December 29, 2013

it'd be cool if we all agreed to put gene simmons in jail for the rest of his life for no reason and we filmed his confusion & anger for tv

— John V (@wettbutt) December 30, 2013

Thinking about posting a video on YouTube. It's been a while since someone told me I'm gay and should kill myself.

— Scott Losse (@Scott_Losse) December 30, 2013

For real first time I heard of EMO was an AOL chat . I thought "WeezerQueen" was just a girl with a bad cough tbh. I was like 9-10

— zachary garren (@zacharygarren) December 30, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)