Who's Denis Dyack? Picture Derek Smart with delusions of grandeur, his seething hatred for vending machines redirected at the gaming press.

As the release of Too Human draws near, the outspoken president of Silicon Knights (a game studio, not the medievel jousting restaurant run by Hooters' management) has expressed concerns about how his totally awesome game will forever change the town in which it was developed.

Obviously, a man of such deep compassion has daydreamed about the global impact of his video game between shameful flamewars with 13 year-old message board users and hourly jerkoff sessions in front of a full-length mirror. Like Oppenheimer before him, Dyack realizes that his bomb will change the course of human history.

His concerns are numerous. These are but a few.

  • When the entire continent of North America gasps in astonishment at the exact same time, the Earth might get jolted off its axis.
  • Once Too Human's epic story about bald viking space marines captivates the public's collective consciousness, everything else will pale in comparison. Thousands of people will be out of jobs when all other forms of media go out of business.
  • Being presented with the key to every city on Earth could take several years.
  • Reviewers who give Too Human anything less than a perfect score will have to be protected from bloodthirsty mobs.
  • The environmental impact of 6.684 billion people playing Too Human 24 hours a day for the rest of their lives will be devastating.
  • Until gas reaches infinite dollars per gallon, it will be impossible to spend the vast fortunes that will be made by Too Human.
  • It's difficult to tell if lingerie models genuinely dig you as a person or if they just want to fellate the guy who made the greatest video game ever made.
  • Might get bitten by the ghost of a werewolf. Doesn't matter how good your security is, ghosts can walk through walls and silver bullets just go right through them.
  • It will be difficult to hold a conversation at family gatherings when everyone is shouting "We're so proud of you!" and "I'm so sorry I ever doubted you!" and "I was only kidding when I said your brother was my favorite child!" all at once.
  • When all roads are renamed Dyack Boulevard, giving directions could be awkward.
  • Some form of scoliosis could as a result from constantly being patted on the back.
  • Being a role model to every child on the planet seems like a huge responsibility.
  • Construction on the warehouse for trophies and medals might not be complete before Dyack's house buckles under their combined weight.

Strong Bad's Cool Game For Attractive People Part 1: Homestar Ruiner
At long last, the Garfield of the internet flash animation scene has a game that's almost good enough to rival Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties for the Nintendo DS. 5/10

Legend: Hand Of God
Two Worlds' uglier, simpler brother. 4/10

Space Siege
A Diablo clone without loot is like a first person shooter without enemies or a Wii game without disappointment. 4/10

Too Human
He who makes earnest use of cliched Neitzsche quotes might take care lest he thereby become someone that takes themselves way too seriously. 6/10

Bionic Commando Rearmed
See, the "rearmed" in the title is clever because the main character shoots guns. 8/10

Madden NFL 09
How about we stop bothering to review these games until they feature jetpacks or athlete-versus-referee fighting minigames? 7/10

New International Track & Field
Clever timing, releasing a track & field game during the height of excitement over the biggest event of the summer, the Warped Tour. 7/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

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