Reader Mail - Back from Vacation

Subject: You don’t know who you are dealing with.

Think you are so smart? Better than everyone? Posting that picture of an underage girl is illegal in The United States of America. Just because you are on the internet doesn't make you immune to its laws and practices. If you thought what you saw of us was disgusting, you are not going to like what we do to your bank account when we take you to the courts. Think "jailtime", shithead.

Our lawyer friends are going to enjoy this especially. Don't even bother to change it, we've already taken screenshots. Ironic, eh fuckface?

Oh boy, a potential lawsuit!

I’m assuming this email refers to the article here, in regards to the sexual Star Wars Cantina meets WoW forum Darknest . In regards to your questions, yes, I do think I am smarter and better than everyone. That’s why I spend my time playing a MMORPG - to show off my many talents with some of the most brilliant people on this planet. Why waste my ego on the scientific community, when I can instead show the world (and by world I mean Azeroth) how incredible my level 49 Paladin is? The only reason I write this column is to boast about the self-awarded accolades I have given myself. That, and because my account has been banned from the Lookingforgroup chat channel.

After discussing this with my fictional internet attorneys, which I can assure you are much more qualified to “make shit up to scare people for calling us perverts”, I’ve come to the conclusion that is in fact much too late to change any of the content from Sunday. The only “irony” I can detect in your email is that a Sexual Predator, who role-plays as a Sexual Predator, is lecturing me on the proper practices and tact for the World Wide Web.

Don’t touch me,
Blue

Subject: today's update/b>
very funny good work should try to keep the pope in your reach once the pope is beyond the garden walls the city of rome built on the late lake of ____ shal fall.

What the fuck does this even mean?

I swear to god I spent more than an hour trying to figure out what “late lake of _____shal”meant. That blank is still haunting me, even mocking me, as I try to decipher what in the fuck you were talking about. One day, I do hope to make fun of the pope in an article about a computer game. Until then, my readership will have to settle for lesser High Priests and Deacons. If anyone has an idea to what this author is talking about, please hit me up.

Godspeed my ____ man,
Blue

Subject: WoW thingy

I was going to read your article on the WoW nerd boyfriend thing, but in the beginning there you mentioned that you watch "Sex in the City". I think that qualifies you as equally pathetic. Feel free to reply to this, but I have an account dump, so I'll never see it. Adios looser!.

OHBTWEATSITKTHX

Dear Sits where he Eats,

If anyone knows “voidfnord”, please tell him for me that I’m not that pathetic, because I only watched the first two seasons. Anyone that put up with Carrie and Mr Big’s bullshit beyond season 3 is the real loser.

Sayonara looser,
Blue

Subject: love on wow

Hi Abraham,

My husband and I started playing wow April 2005 in the UK on the Turalyon server. In December 05 we started our own guild specifically for end game content....then our Raid Leader and I started the whole flirting thing and soon after that we were completely smitten. A month after declaring our love to each other (him as human warrior and me as night elf druid) my husband caught us and deleted his and my character and cancelled our subscription. I decided to leave him (which I'd been wanting to do for about 2 years). About a month ago my human warrior and I met IRL and he has since moved in with me.

I am now a reformed WoW addict and wouldn't encourage anyone to get roped into it, since that is all my husband and I did - work - play wow - work - play wow. But, I must say that love is possible even in a world where virtual sex, continual switching of cyber boyfriends/girlfriends, threesomes, flirtation with anything that remotely sounds like a real woman, insults, tantrums and general grandiose complexes are common place occurrences...

I wonder if we get married, if we will be the first truly wow couple..

cheers, Kato

Congratulations on your success!

I am so happy that a computer game proved to be the impetus for ending your marriage. As a real woman, who at times pretends to sound like a fake woman, I’m heartened that somewhere out there, Mr. Knight-Lieutenant Right could be out there, waiting to whisk me away from my terrible, cyber-partner-swapping douche bag of a boyfriend. Maybe I should spend less time on focusing on end-game progression, and spend more time on asking the Raid Leader if he’s done something new with his character’s hair. With any luck, I’ll beat you to being the first truly wow couple, and will be able to proudly proclaim “WORLD FIRST - TWO CRAZY PEOPLE GOT HITCHED - US, ALLIANCE SIDE”.

What in the fuck is wrong with you people,

Blue

Subject:***SPAM*** Hi Mr Blue

I red ur atricle on epic monts lolz, it was da h4xz, but d0 u watch teh tv cos I do n sumtimez it givs bettr tips thn u, cos birth control juz doz not cut it, i was in rag n tolf em bout it, they kiked me lolz! i suggest uz tri slippin out teh pants wai cos it iz so much bettr i

Dear Readers who Play WoW,

Please stay the fuck away from the Burning Blade server. The exception to this are people who can actually comprehend the majority of what this idiot is saying; in which I would ask that you stay the fuck away from the Ner’Zhul server because that is where I play.

Huggles

Blue

Subject: World of Warcraft. evil?

I have recently accepted Christ into my my life about 2 months ago. I have been living with a Christian family for about 4 months, and before I became saved I was an atheist, now on the subject of World Of warcraft and other games, I find that my father does not approve of this game at all, so I am asking, should I as a Christian who wants to stay in the light, be playing world of wacraft?

He does not approve of this game because----
it has magic in it
it has demons in it.
there are names that sound demonic.
you can play as a warlock.
he believes games have a spiritual side to them and that Satan will corrupt people in any
form he can and what would stop him from coming through as something as "its just a game"
he says he sees nothing but evil and darkness coming from the game and to stay away.
He asks "where does that magic those characters are using come from? it sure isn't coming from god.
he saw the night elf on the main world of wacraft site and wondered why she hardly had
anything on.
The word "warcraft" sounds like "witchcraft"

This applies to all games that have magic in any form present in the game, thus making the game evil and should not be played.

As I have said I'm just a baby in Christ, I have been playing this game since around December 04 and now I find myself being unable to play this game at all as long as I live in his house. I've never practiced witchcraft in real life and I don't necessarily see myself corrupted from this game, and I've never been addicted to the game(he says people are addicted to this game because Satan has gotten a foothold on them through this game) everything I say to him in regards to defending the game is rejected and I'm told "I'm just saying all this because I want to play the game and I do not want to see the truth" .

So, is what he says correct and that I should not play this game? I'm struggling with this, when I was a non-Christian I had no limits other than what my own interpretation of right and wrong were, and for this game I don't believe it to be evil. but now that I'm Christian, I want to do what is right in god's eyes. .

Huh.

As a former adult in Christ, I’ve been playing this game since May of 04 and I would say that WoW is most certainly of a demonic nature. Satan has touched me through this game like no other MMORPG could. I can’t say how the Dark Prince has changed into the Satanist I am now, because I've been shopping at Hot Topic for anarchy symbols for at least four years. I can now recite dark incantations in Ventrilo that will make my mother stop yelling at me to get off of the computer, so my witchcraft has improved. However, I don’t think it’s fair to hold the Satan responsible for my crippling addiction - unless he was responsible for the closed alpha invitation that I received two months ago.

Hail Satan,
Blue

Subject: : I wanna help

Caylen, ur epic monts thing waz soooooooooooo funny. If u ever ned a real girl to help with da next 1, let me no because i wanna help u make some gold of tem. U can evn use me to webcam wit them... I’ve made gold and thingz showin of what i got and i no u can 2.

Let me no if u like~~

Why do I subject myself to opening attachments?!?

Do you see that image she sent me? The picture I used for this email was actually a picture of her She sent me like 20 nudes of her in elf ears and a Gordok Ogre Suit. Or at least I hope it was a Gordok Ogre Suit, because from what I understand, once human fat tissue dies, it is not supposed to continuing malignant growth while being ravaged by the effects of her own gravitational pull. Please, for all that is good in the world, if you read my articles do not send me nude photos of you.

,
Blue

And I’m done. Why don’t you come back in two weeks, where I share a photo documentary on the wonders of Role Players, in their own words. Until then, if you have any humorous WoW related pictures that don’t show your nasty ass titties, or just want to remind me that you will be seeing me in court, email me at abraham@somethingawful.com Later hos!

– Mr. Blue